Would any of you read any further? Comments Please?

Question

This is a novel I've been working on and am curious if any of you like it so far.  Thanks.


	“You haven’t told him, have you?” Lily Morgan asked her sister.  Her voice held only a trace of apprehension.  The dozen or so bangles on her wrist jangled as she stirred honey into her tea.
	Magnolia gazed across the roomy kitchen of their antebellum home and out the window over the sink.  “I was thinking of telling him after we were married.”
	The clatter of Lily’s spoon hitting the ceramic tile caused Magnolia to jerk her attention back to her sister.
 
	“You can’t be serious,” Lily said.
	Magnolia lifted her chin a notch.  “Why not?”
	“You already know the answer to that, but I’ll remind you, dear sister.”  Lily leaned forward over the scarred oak table.  “If you wait and the marriage is consummated, you’ll never be able to take the memory away.  Before marriage that option is always open.”
	“I know.”  Magnolia once again looked out the window.  A crisp spring breeze fluttered the lilac curtains and the weeping willow tree swayed.  Sometimes she cursed her own fate.  “Lewis does love me.”
	“Are you trying to convince yourself or me?” Lily asked.
	“Why do you dislike him so much?  And don’t tell me it’s because of Hestia.”
	Upon hearing her name, the black and white feline stretched and sauntered over to the table.  Lily picked up the cat and stroked her hand over its back.
	“She hisses and tries to scratch Lewis every time he comes here.  Besides, she’s told both of us he isn’t the one for you,” Lily said.

Besides, she’s told both of us he isn’t the one for you,” Lily said.
	Magnolia looked away.  She knew Hestia had never been wrong.  But maybe she was this time.  “She only senses Lewis doesn’t like  
cats.  And how can you blame him?  You saw the long ragged scars on his arm and hand.  Can you imagine getting those at only ten years old?”
	“Hmmph.  He probably deserved it,” Lily said wagging her finger.  The cat purred as though in rhythm with Lily’s bracelets.  “Besides, it isn’t just Hestia.”
	“What else then?”  Magnolia let go an exasperated sigh.
	Lily tilted her head matter-of-factly and said.  “He doesn’t smell like wintergreen.”
	Magnolia stood and took her teacup to the sink.  “I’ve had enough of this.  Don’t you have to go brew a potion or something?”

bluetigerpaw4 · Accepted Answer

I don't like it, I love it.  It's extremely captivating, and I felt like I was actually reading a book.  I do have a few suggestions that you may consider....but really, you have talent.  It wouldn't matter what the plot is - though it does sound intriguing, don't get me wrong - because your writing makes up for it.  Very, very, nice job.

This sentence, "Magnolia gazed across the roomy kitchen of their antebellum home and out the window over the sink" is a run-on sentence and a bit of a mouthful, in my opinion.  The first part is fine, but "out the window over the sink" is a little much, because I didn't really care where the window was, just that the character was "gazing" out of it.  Maybe later, when Magnolia takes her teacup to the sink, you can somehow hint there how the window is above the sink.  Just a suggestion.

The phrase "she's told both of us he isn't the one for you" is not techincally correct.  When you used the contraction "she's," you are saying "she IS told both of us" when it should read, "she HAS told both of us."  It's just grammatically correct.

Also: “Hmmph. He probably deserved it,” Lily said wagging her finger."  There should be a comma between "said" and "wagging."

One more thing: Instead of saying "Lily said," switch it around and say, "said Lilly."  Not really necessary, but it's an idea.

That's really all I saw.  This is very good, and it has the potential to be extraordinary.  Good luck!

Toi · Answer

Hello ,

Without knowing the genre of your  novel  , and based on the giving paragraphs . I assure you that your story is going to be captivating and will grab the attention of your readers .
If this is going to be a novel , then ,  the too many descriptive background will help to paint a beautiful picture that we as readers will get the feeling as if we were transported to the  TIME and PLACE of your novel.
e.g. " The dozen or so bangles on her wrist jangled ........."
       " A crisp spring breeze fluttered the lilac...................."
I think that using such figurative devices help the reader enjoy the process of reading and also strengthen the story .

Congratulations , and
Good luck.

Awesomeness · Answer

Yes I would read on to see what it is about. This is a very good beginning to a good novel:)

person · Answer

really sooooooooo good what novel is this going to be called and when will you finish

? · Answer

yes, keep writting its pretty interesting WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?!

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Would any of you read any further? Comments Please?

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