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Noah Thall asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

Still working on this poem. See anything that might help me with it?

Scratch and Dent People

They're the scratch and dent people

With thrift shop

Bargain basement dreams

They carry in black plastic trash bags,

The pockets of oil stained winter coats

Or orange back packs

Salvaged from

Salvation Army racks.

Dumpster diving denizens

Of alleys and streets

Named after presidents,

heroes and trees,

They sit warming in libraries,

Stand smoking hand-rolled humility

And rest on benches

Covered with snow and futility.

They're from everywhere, nowhere

And points in between.

They once had fathers and mothers

Sisters and brothers

Some have forgotten who

Doesn't think about them anymore.

Most never will trust us

With their dreams from before.

How did they land here

And Why do they stay

In freezing cold climates?

Who are these hungry

Scratch and dent people

We see on the bus?

If you want to know their story

It's the story of us.

7 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I'm not very good at editing poems, but I think the last stanza needs to flow more smoothly. I really enjoy this poem, and the messages all your poems convey. It may not say much coming from me, but I love your poetry and I think your extremely talented! Maybe it is because of your age but you seem to have a really unique view of the world. I look up to your words and am always looking for another critique from you, I take your opinions on my stuff really close to heart. So..thank you for creating such beautiful works of art(:

  • ?
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    To my dyslexic ideas this became into surely no longer complicated in any respect Blue Feather and an exciting twist. I enjoyed it. to locate the fact interior, how dazzling this is, in tying this in ribbon and putting a bow on it. # 3. i'm specific i'd desire to examine longer, however the ideas is a peculiar and wonderful factor. whether, if I used a reflect, as in dishonest possibly it might desire to have been basically rather much less demanding. # 4 i'd say it extremely is analogous often, and we will not consistently understand the authors unique motive, although therein my lie the answer to the authors motive. a chew to contemplate. I do trust Cassie besides although. i'd desire to be, want to be drawn right into a chew...possibly why maximum of my paintings are like own thoughts. i want to sense in contact in a chew of paintings, and nevertheless appreciate a cliff hanger, or "woah" end.

  • 1 decade ago

    Evocative poem for me.

    I used to volunteer at our church's "snow" nights. There was a separate building we used for fellowship and we had cots and blankets and restrooms and showers, etc. It was hard, especially when mothers with children came. There was always someone from social services there, and police. A story of us, quite easily.

    Anyhoo . . .

    Salvaged and Salvation that close together seems awkward to me. Try using another word, perhaps discovered, rescued, rummaged, ferreted (ferreted from, alliteration? consonance perhaps?)

    Benches. Resting, not so much, they are cold. Usually fidgeting or sleeping. Or as a life statement: life benched on benches?

    On the whole, accurate, compelling.

  • ?
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    I enjoy the near-rhymes: denizens/presidents; libraries/humility/futility. The catch-line/title works, too.

    I might not capitalize every line. That makes me expect a kind of poem this isn't, either rhyming or perfectly metered. (If you prefer the caps, you missed one, and there's an extra in the last stanza.)

    Kinda like my own last post, the closing message seems over-told. If you could disguise it a bit, maybe? Even I don't quite know what I'm asking for.

  • Very cool title.

    S2 & S3 have a similar 'beat', although bumpy at times,

    which you may want to 'tweak' and 'use' in S1.

    S4 may be superfluous. Your last line in S3 is succinct

    and could work as 'the end'.

    Note: I could put down my Fresca and Ruffles and 'edit' or rather re-write your entire

    (and very interesting) poem, but today is a holiday in my country and I must pray and things.

    .

    .

  • ?
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    I thought the line "with their dreams from before" would be a powerful ending point. The word "before" implies the content of the last stanza.

  • 1 decade ago

    Hm mm I got a story of my own from your poem , but I've got a strange way of thought .

    Anyway I like it very interesting thank you :)

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