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Still working on this poem. See anything that might help me with it?
Scratch and Dent People
They're the scratch and dent people
With thrift shop
Bargain basement dreams
They carry in black plastic trash bags,
The pockets of oil stained winter coats
Or orange back packs
Salvaged from
Salvation Army racks.
Dumpster diving denizens
Of alleys and streets
Named after presidents,
heroes and trees,
They sit warming in libraries,
Stand smoking hand-rolled humility
And rest on benches
Covered with snow and futility.
They're from everywhere, nowhere
And points in between.
They once had fathers and mothers
Sisters and brothers
Some have forgotten who
Doesn't think about them anymore.
Most never will trust us
With their dreams from before.
How did they land here
And Why do they stay
In freezing cold climates?
Who are these hungry
Scratch and dent people
We see on the bus?
If you want to know their story
It's the story of us.
7 Answers
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
I'm not very good at editing poems, but I think the last stanza needs to flow more smoothly. I really enjoy this poem, and the messages all your poems convey. It may not say much coming from me, but I love your poetry and I think your extremely talented! Maybe it is because of your age but you seem to have a really unique view of the world. I look up to your words and am always looking for another critique from you, I take your opinions on my stuff really close to heart. So..thank you for creating such beautiful works of art(:
- ?Lv 44 years ago
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- Ding-DingLv 71 decade ago
Evocative poem for me.
I used to volunteer at our church's "snow" nights. There was a separate building we used for fellowship and we had cots and blankets and restrooms and showers, etc. It was hard, especially when mothers with children came. There was always someone from social services there, and police. A story of us, quite easily.
Anyhoo . . .
Salvaged and Salvation that close together seems awkward to me. Try using another word, perhaps discovered, rescued, rummaged, ferreted (ferreted from, alliteration? consonance perhaps?)
Benches. Resting, not so much, they are cold. Usually fidgeting or sleeping. Or as a life statement: life benched on benches?
On the whole, accurate, compelling.
- ?Lv 61 decade ago
I enjoy the near-rhymes: denizens/presidents; libraries/humility/futility. The catch-line/title works, too.
I might not capitalize every line. That makes me expect a kind of poem this isn't, either rhyming or perfectly metered. (If you prefer the caps, you missed one, and there's an extra in the last stanza.)
Kinda like my own last post, the closing message seems over-told. If you could disguise it a bit, maybe? Even I don't quite know what I'm asking for.
- 1 decade ago
Very cool title.
S2 & S3 have a similar 'beat', although bumpy at times,
which you may want to 'tweak' and 'use' in S1.
S4 may be superfluous. Your last line in S3 is succinct
and could work as 'the end'.
Note: I could put down my Fresca and Ruffles and 'edit' or rather re-write your entire
(and very interesting) poem, but today is a holiday in my country and I must pray and things.
.
.
- ?Lv 71 decade ago
I thought the line "with their dreams from before" would be a powerful ending point. The word "before" implies the content of the last stanza.
- Caz :) xLv 71 decade ago
Hm mm I got a story of my own from your poem , but I've got a strange way of thought .
Anyway I like it very interesting thank you :)