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B&A - What do you think of this writing?

Just looking for some reactions. This is a scene from an unfinished book, around Chapter 3. It was my first attempt at Young Adult so I'm just looking to see if people like it, if there's any helpful criticism or encouragement out there.

Thanks!

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Laughing, they entered the art room.

“Hello?” Jasmine said. “Anyone left in here?”

No answer. The room was dark and it smelled like dried paint and glue. It felt like last night at the concert all over again: the adrenalin, the laughter, and the hoarse voices. Nathan pulled her over to the teacher’s desk, far away from the windows and out of sight of anyone passing by.

“What is it?” Jasmine asked. She felt giddy skipping lunch, glad to exchange the awkwardness between her and Mary for whatever this was between her and Nathan.

“First,” he said, “I want to do this.”

Nathan leaned in and kissed her. She expected it, but it still caught her off guard, like waiting for the toaster to pop up with toast. She wondered if this was what it was what a first kiss was supposed to feel like. It wasn’t that exciting, at first, since she was mainly worried about messing it up. That is until she reminded herself that he could be kissing pretty much any girl, but had chosen her even though she was just a sophomore and he was a junior. The fluttering feelings that she expected to accompany a first kiss came over her like a wave.

Still, it was all new to her and she had no idea what she was doing, so when their teeth bonked together uncomfortably they both laughed a little, and she pulled away.

“Does this mean that we’re exclusive now?” she asked.

“I’d say so.” Nathan smiled.

Anxious to fill the silence, she cleared her throat and asked, “So what did you want to talk to me about?”

He grabbed two hip-height stools, metal with wooden tops, smeared with years-old dried paint and etched with initials. Jasmine hopped up onto one of the stools, and Nathan perched on the other.

“Last night, after the concert,” he began, “remember how I said my parents wouldn’t flip out about me being home so late?”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“Well, I sort of lied. I didn’t want you to feel bad for me or anything, or regret inviting me.” He frowned, looking sheepish.

Jasmine sighed in relief. She wasn’t enthralled about him lying, but the fact that he was so upset over something so little more than made up for it. All day she’d been afraid he was going to announce that his family was moving, or that he was having second thoughts about liking Jasmine, or something that meant they couldn’t be together.

“Is that all?” Jasmine said. “I’d never regret inviting you.”

“That’s not all,” Nathan said. “I just…When I came home after curfew, I was expecting my parents to flip out, but they didn’t, even though I knew they were awake. Their bedroom lights were on, so I thought they were waiting up for me. But they didn’t come down to yell at me, or tell me to come up there. It was like they were ignoring me.”

“That’s lucky. My parents would have totally lost it.”

Nathan scratched his short hair. “I mean I’m glad I didn’t get in trouble, but I was so confused as to what they were doing. So I went up to listen to them, to see why they waited up for me, but weren’t going to yell at me.”

“You went to listen at your PARENTS BEDROOM?” Was her new boyfriend a pervert or just an idiot?

Nathan caught on to what Jasmine was thinking. “No!” he emphasized. “No, no, NO! I could hear them TALKING when I was coming up the stairs. So I started listening. Then I heard them say your name.”

“My name?” Jasmine said. “Do they even know I exist?”

"Not from me. I don't talk to them about girls. But whoever told them also knew that I asked you to the Thanksgiving Dance."

"But I didn't tell anyone you asked me to go with you."

"Neither did I."

Jasmine, feeling suddenly paranoid, asked, "Then how did they find out?"

5 Answers

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  • 10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Good pacing , good buildup, conversation mixed in well- I would have kept reading to pursue the mystery- books one reads cover to cover quickly often maintain that kind of suspense. The only minor critique would be to rephrase,"felt giddy skipping lunch" to "felt giddy after skipping lunch". I encourage you to keep writing- the more you work at it, the more refined it will become and we need more good writing to motivate young people to keep reading so that it doesn't become a lost art.

  • 10 years ago

    "That is until she reminded" should be 'That was until she reminded." Although "this is" is the beginning to a common phrase, in a novel written in the third person, it should be written "that was."

    PARENT'S BEDROOM--remember your possessive apostrophes!

    Past that, however, I would say you're moving along strongly, especially from the grammar and language perspective. However, the language is awkward at points, and I don't mean the dialogue. Don't ham up your sentences. For instance, "Nathan scratched his short hair," is very strange. It sounds almost like he had other hair he might have scratched instead--perhaps his long hair! No, if you want to point out his hair is short, you need a better place to do it. If you're not trying to describe him, then DEFINITELY don't do it! If you want to describe people, maybe take a paragraph to do it, or, if you're clever, you can slip it where it truly seems plausible.

    Also, I'd say the story seems a little... dry. Generally well written, which is a compliment coming from a guy who usually slams on the Yahoo! folks pretty hard, but I can tell you two things it really needs:

    interesting plot

    interesting words and sentences

    I don't think this kind of high school dance thing is going to fly... Maybe because it's not my cup of tea, but you need something a little bit funk-ay. Otherwise it's just... another teeny book.

    Try some variation in your construction. I'm truly in favor of making a novel more than just pulp blah, and so I think getting some inspiration from the great novelists would be in order. I think Lewis Carroll wrote brilliantly; combine him with this and One Hundred Years of Solitude and you'll knock 'em dead!

    Also, I'd leave out colloquialisms and cliches; maybe it's just me, but they degrade a book. It's also a great way to enhance the interest of your work. "more than made up for it" ... "caught her off guard." They should be either replaced with more witty phrases, or simply replaced with regular English.

    Source(s): I'm a writer myself... written over 500,000 words worth of material, mostly for scripts... almost completed with my 400 page novel; in the editing phase.
  • 10 years ago

    It's really good. However, it kind of seems like someone who isn't a young adult wrote it. It just seems a little off. I mean no disrespect because it seems really really good. I would just try and make it sound a little younger and not use words a teenager wouldn't use. Description is good, but the communication between characters is a little awkward for young adult. Great story. Truly. Best of luck. :-)

    Source(s): A fellow writer
  • ?
    Lv 4
    10 years ago

    Pretty good. I got a little bored in it, though just make it more exciting if you can!!

  • 10 years ago

    I like it. keep on writing :-)

    Source(s): I'm a writer writing for my fellow teens
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