Do you think this story is scary?

Question

I just finished editing a short story and it's one of my few stabs at horror AND at writing in second person (trying new things, as always!), so I need some feedback as to whether or not it strikes that tone of fear that I'm looking for. It's a bit of a slow burn, but if you stick through you'll get the payoff!

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You are old enough to know by now that there are not monsters watching you sleep, or murderers in the bathroom while you bathe, or dark creatures behind your feet when you walk up the stairs.

You are mature and intellectual, so you know that when you're lying in bed and the power's gone out, there's nothing crouched in the closet beyond the candlelight’s reach. There's nothing behind the shower curtain, even when an odd shadow catches your eye and makes you stop and wonder what cast it. There is no hollow-eyed woman in the mirror across an unlit room, even though there’s an unearthly tingle somewhere deep in your spine that tells you she's watching.

continued:
http://www.worthyofpublishing.com/chapter.asp?chapter_ID=93665

AeRicks · Accepted Answer

It was...okay. 

I wasn't very much into the fact that the reader is supposed to be afraid because of what could happen to other people. Generally speaking, when you put someone in a situation where their life is the one that's at stake, they're the one is harm's way, I find it to be much scarier. 

The most intense moment of the story was visualizing sitting in the car, with a horrible, rotting demon sitting in the back seat, watching. The thought that, at any moment, you might feel a cold, dead finger brushing across your neck, or hear the quiet hissing as it took in a ragged breath, that was absolutely chilling. But then it just...wasn't. Because it instantly became about how someone else might be in danger, rather than the person in the car. 

Don't get me wrong, the story was definitely macabre and depressing. But most likely, it's not something that would stick with me. I might check the back seat of my car, before I leave the house for my guitar lesson later, out of curiosity, but that's probably about it. 

Of course, this is all my opinion. Maybe it'd scare someone else more, the thought of their weakness harming other people. But for me, I only tend to be scared by stories when I feel like I'm the one being put in danger. Which doesn't happen very often. 

Hell, the tone that I'm talking about may be the last thing you want anyway.

Anonymous · Answer

To tell you the truth, it felt like I was reading an essay on the absurdity of the paranormal. It was not scary, per se, because you made repeated attempts to create the idea that the supernatural exist. It was off-putting! You were trying too hard, and yet you were not! But I have to say, that your writing has the power to attract and hold attention, and I would really like to read more of what you intended in the first chapter, to see a more elaborate play of your world and its demons.

Kelley · Answer

Scary, no.   However, I'm a little weird when it comes to reading scary.  I can manage tense, but true fear has been elusive when it comes to reading.

But I loved it.  I loved getting that little twinge, that feeling that made me want to look over my shoulder.  It also made me smile (sorry if that's not what you were going for) as I recalled running hell-bent for my bed and leaping from about 3 feet away so the monster under the bed couldn't grab my feet.

Anything that can bring childhood fear into an adult sense is a great pleasure.  Thanks :)

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Do you think this story is scary?

3 Answers