Question about co-parenting?

These things apply equally to *both* of you:

Be flexible - Realize that things happen, schedules change, etc. Life doesn't adhere to a rigid schedule, so neither can child visitation/custody. This may become especially important as each of you begins to establish a new social/dating life. Be willing to trade days if a weekend invite comes up on your weekend with your son. Be ready to change your plans in an instant if the other parent is pulled in to work on a scheduled off day or has to work overtime/go out of town on business. From a scheduling perspective, you almost have to look at it as if the two of you were still together. What would you do if these situations came up and you were together? Chances are you'd change your plans and work to make sure the child was cared for. It's no different when you're no longer a couple. You just have to do what you have to do to make sure the child feels loved and is well cared for. It can't be something that's done begrudgingly.

Decide, together, what the major rules are and enforce them consistently in both homes. The single worst mistake many people make when co-parenting is to have vastly different rules in each home. It's confusing for the children and also leaves openings for them to get by with behavior that they may not otherwise get by with. I'm not talking about one of you sneaking him a cookie for breakfast and the other not. Subtle parenting style differences will always exist. I mean is he expected to pick up after himself, bedtimes, computer/internet/tv access and daily duration of each... essentially expected behaviors and acceptable activities.

If, for whatever reason, the child needs to be punished for a major infraction the punishment should be discussed and agreed upon before it's imposed. Then it should be enforced in both homes in the exact same manner. In other words, don't have the child grounded at dad's but not at mom's.

Communicate often. Make sure your son knows that the two of you communicate. NEVER fall for the 'mom said okay' or 'dad said okay' line. Your child WILL, at some point, try to use the two of you against one another. Don't fall for it. Take everything that's said about whatever *horrible* thing has been done to the child at the other parent's house with a grain of salt. Don't react and don't say anything until you've spoken with the other parent. Kids have a tendency to exaggerate (or even downright lie) if they believe it's going to benefit them. They're master manipulators and will use separate living conditions to their advantage in a hurry. Always wait for the rest of the story, and don't automatically assume that your ex is lying and your child isn't.

Never... ever... speak negatively of your ex in the presence of your child. No matter what you think of each other, you're still mom and dad to him and he loves you. It's not your place to taint that image and it's a downright hurtful and cruel thing to do to a child. If there's something wretched about one of you the child will figure it out on his own.

You'll all be fine if you and Dad are both careful to always focus on 'What's in the best interests of our child in this situation?' If you are both busy making that the priority you won't run into very many difficulties, and neither will your son.

If you are ever irritated with Dad -- shelve it for twenty-four hours; that helps make clear whether or not you have a petty annoyance that you should ignore, or a real problem that needs to be discussed, and, if it's the latter, lets you calm down enough to go at it productively. Rather obviously never ever argue in front of your kid. Best, I find, to disagree via e-mail...

There are not rules against doing stuff together with all three of you; definitely try to do that if possible. Here, my daughter lives with me, Dad lives nearby and is over all day on the weekends and sometimes during the week, and we bring him to my family's house for Xmas, have him here for parties, bring him to the beach or ice skating if he's around, etc.

Do what you can to support your ex -- again, the 'what's in my kid's best interests' thing -- if Dad needs some sort of help that you are able to provide, provide it without hesitation.

Your child can guide you on the right thing to do a lot of the time, so keep him in the loop when decision-making.

I think communication is the key. That and being respectful of one another. You both love the child and want what's best for him.

i have to agree with above, communication is def the key, my parents split up when i was young and thankfully remained on good terms and any problems were aired as they arouse to save any bad feeling

My condolences to your child. It's too bad his parents couldn't work it out.

This is why people should not have children unless they are SERIOUSLY married to the person they will 100% commit to for the rest of their lives, no questions asked. Till death! The kids are the ones who suffer in your situation. Sorry.

It takes two to have a civil relationship that is healthy enough to co parent successfully. You know what you have to do and really don't need advice.

Does his father?

Does he have a girlfriend? Do you have a boyfriend? Will you commit to not having a revolving door of boyfriends? Will he commit to the same?

So many things can go wrong from this point on.