I'm stuck inside today. Can someone send me some really good jokes?

A farmer has three daughters who all have dates tonight.

The doorbell rings and the farmer answers it, the boy says,"Hello i'm joe, i'm here for flo, we are going to the show, is she ready to go?" so she comes down and leaves w/ joe. The doorbell rings again and the boy says,"hello i'm eddy, i'm here for betty, we're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?" and so they leave together. the doorbell rings a third time and the boy says,"hello my name is chuck..." The farmer shot him!

____________________

So a lady walks into a bar on the 20th floor of a building. She starts drinking and a man walks up to her and says "Do you want to watch me fly" and she thinks "what a creep" and ignores him. So a few hours pass and no one has talked to her so she goes back to the guy and says "Ok, lets see you fly" so he takes out a flask and drinks from jumps out the window and starts flying, then comes back and says "wow do that again" so he takes a swig from the flask and flys again, when he comes back she aks "can i try", she takes a swig jumps out of the window and falls 20 storys to her death, then the bar tender looks at the man and says "You know superman, your a real asshole when you do that"

____________________

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

____________________

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

____________________

A man asks his wife to get a guard dog. She goes to the pet store and asks around. The lady in charge takes her to the back of the store and opens a cage. Inside the cage is a box. The lady takes the box out and opens it. Out comes a chihuahua. She says he may be small but watch what he can do. She says " Karate box!" Instantly the box is reduced to shreds of card board. Then "Karate Cage" sparks fly as the steel cage is quickly and noisily dismembered. All you say is his name which is Karate and then what you want him to attack. "I'll take him" she says. Then she pays 300. When her husband gets home he looks at the CHihuahua. "So you got a guard dog" "yeah, his name's karate" "YEAH?! Karate,... Karate my foot!" Get it. It might not be the funniest but it's the best joke I can remember having heard.

____________________

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."

He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the

agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to **** all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

What are you "stuck inside" of? Did you here about the girl that was stuck inside the middle of a toilet roll? She was so cramped she crapped the tube but didn't have to go far to wipe her bottom.

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?

Son: At school.

The robot slaps the son.

Son: Ok! I watched a DVD at my mates.

Dad: Which one?

Son: Kung Fu Panda.

The robot slaps the son again.

Son: Ok! It was a Porno.

Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!

The robot slaps the Dad.

Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he’s your son.

The robot slaps the mom.

I am in a very serious mood because I have to pay the electricity bill

A bartender says "Hey, we don't serve your kind here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.