Yahoo Answers is shutting down on May 4th, 2021 (Eastern Time) and the Yahoo Answers website is now in read-only mode. There will be no changes to other Yahoo properties or services, or your Yahoo account. You can find more information about the Yahoo Answers shutdown and how to download your data on this help page.
Trending News
What do you think of my writing?
Here's a suicide scene that I have written, I'd like to hear some honest opinions.
Morbid thoughts of past engulfed me, they were present around me, I can feel them in the splashes of water, I see them rising as steam. I desired to escape this agitation and free myself from the grip of those memories, my brain scanned for some memories that would bring in joy to this gloom, to my despair there were none. My eyes rummaged the air around in a hope of escaping this steam. I was hypnotized by the razor that laid on the sink, those blades! so sharp in nature, my sole companion, water fall on me slowly, it's heat not sufficient to burn me, it's force not enough to drown me, then where shall I seek solace but in the sedative I just found! My hands slowly reached the blade. Who'd love me when I am gone? No one. What's the use of this life? Nothing. Then it's not a sin to end it. Now I come to you, O Jesus, and from you I have to ask some questions.
The frenzy of the water pushed my hand... It pained. It pained a lot. I heard bees buzzing near my ears then I heard a waterfall! You might think I am insane, but lunacy overwhelmed me. A moment later I saw the pool of blood fade away in water. Nasty Water! They weren't letting me die, but die I must. My bones became numb and I fell down. It was all red... I drowned slowly in my own blood. I was in a sea of blood. I think I was dizzy, I was trapped in a whirlpool until my grief succumbed me to the depth of it.
I think I should have said this: It's actually written from a dead person's point of view (not some one who is dying(he'd probably not have time to write it down, LOL!), and starts with the story starts with "25 years ago I used to live." (It might sound ridiculous: How can a dead write? But is just an experiment). So tense was actually supposed to be past, I'll look into that and try to add more emotions (so difficult to put them in words!), Any more suggestions would be highly appreciated.
2 Answers
- ?Lv 79 years agoFavorite Answer
Agreed with everything Red Star said. In looking at your additional details, it does seem like a very difficult perspective to write in. If the ghost is telling the story, it might automatically remind people of The Lovely Bones, which handled the life after death aspect very nicely. As you said it's an experiment, but I will give my reasons why it didn't work for me.
First, the opening sentence doesn't seem like a hook yet. 'Twenty five years ago I used to live...' sounds like the setup for an information dump. What I like about the piece is that it seems to take place in the moment where this character is actually taking his or her own life. That right there has the potential to be the hook, not a character (or in this case a ghost) musing about the past. Stories work best when the reader is with the character as things happen, even if it's told from beyond.
My main agreement with the first answer is that this is really overwritten and brimming on what's called purple prose. It's too flowery and there's no real description of why. There's a feeling of despair, but without knowing what the morbid thoughts are, I can't relate. It almost seems like a spontaneous decision brought about by noticing the razor. Try reading your work out loud to get a feel for the flow too. For instance, 'rummaged' doesn't work because hat's something done physically - not with the eyes.
Relax with the exclamation points as well. The words themselves should have enough meaning that the reader knows what's going on. My main suggestion, bring the piece more down to earth and give some indication of why this character is in such despair. It needs some grounding. For instance this sentence 'They weren't letting me die' makes me wonder - who? What does it mean?
Just adding my two cents - keep working on it!
- RedStarLv 79 years ago
Pick a tense and stick to it. You've confused past and present in this. And a lot of your word uses and syntax are simply incorrect. If you're going to try to write in certain way, make sure you're capable of getting it right.
But mostly, it's all a bit overwritten and you're trying so hard to sound clever that there's really no emotion in this. You're writing from the perspective of someone who is killing himself. Do you really think people in that state of mind think in words and phrases like this? It's way over the top.