I'm thinking of opening a Christian strip-club named "The Pearly Gates", to minister to men...?

I have thought about this for awhile, and I think this club can help men to face their addiction to sins of the flesh. You see, I spent years and years going to strip clubs, and despite hours on my knees in prayer, the temptation was just too great. I finally decided I could not give it up.

That is when I had a vision, a vision of a club that used those very God-given physical natures to minister to men like myself. I have decided to open a strip club called "The Pearly Gates", one that will deliver pulchritude with a message of hope from Jesus Christ.

I want to make men feel that they have nothing to be ashamed of in admitting that they struggle with these temptations, so my strip club will look, to all intents and purposes, like a church. Standing at the pulpit, I will introduce the girls, who will come out dressed in the best attire, like you would see any respectable lady from TBN wearing. To the sound of hymns played on a heavenly organ, the girls will modestly disrobe.

All the time they are taking off their clothes, I will be pointing out the wondrousness of God's creation, the human body. Instead of having the men stick dollar bills in g-strings or between enormous, surgery-enhanced breasts, the ladies will walk around with collection plates, and the men can give offerings to the plates of their favorite dancers. Instead of lap dances, the ladies will, for the right price, "dance in the spirit".

Everything will be tastefully done to acknowledge that God made the human body, with all of its physical desires, but with the reminder that the flesh is subordinate to Jesus. Men with noticeable erections will be reminded that Jesus dealt with "wood" too...they hanged him on it. We will serve wine, but only at the end of the dancing, and only as part of a communion service, where every man has the chance to "search his heart", before partaking, so that he can take communion pure.

In this way, I think that a thriving ministry can be built, and men can have a holy outlet for their urges, without falling into sin. I picture a whole series of "The Pearly Gates" strip clubs spread across the United States, along with the slogan, "Where the Bible belt meets the garter belt". Will God bless this holy undertaking, and give it success?