My in-law's do not accept my daughter into their family?

Question

I have two daughters and am pregnant with my third child (we think it could be another girl). I was pregnant when I met my husband, my oldest Brooke(6), her dad wanted nothing to do with us or his family. So when she was born he signed over his parental rights. My husband and I married when she was 1 year old. And he adopted her a year later, he treats her just like he does our other daughter Colbie (3).

At first my in-laws did not pay much attention to Brooke, I thought it was because of her age. But since Colbie has been born there started out with small differences and now it is so obvious. Brooke gets no presents, time or attention from any of my husbands family. Where as they always want Colbie and she is so spoiled by them at this point.

She loves her aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins. They are the only ones she has because my parents died when I was 15 years old and I am an only child. 

We have spoken to my in-laws and they say we cannot force them to accept Brooke. And we could stop them seeing both girls, but it would hurt Colbie in the long run. This is true so now we feel like we have to choose between one daughter or the other. My husband was at his parents house yesterday and he said the family photo of the 4 of us was bent and you could not see Brooke, only the three of us.

My sister-in-law told my husband that there are lots of presents for Colbie, and no one has bought anything for Brooke. She does notice this, but has said she should be grateful for what she has. Those are the words my mother-in-law says. Even when we want to go somewhere, his family take Colbie and Brooke has to go to a friends house. 

My husband has always wanted daughters and now we have two (maybe three) and his family are spoiling a lot of things. He has not really spoken to them in a while, he just acts civilly for the kids's sake's. But even they wont play with Brooke, their parents have taught them not to. I am really getting down about this and it is really hard.

Please, what should we do? How can we chose one daughters happiness over the other.

Giselle · Accepted Answer

This is sad and I think we just naturally expect better from adults. Sounds like a very difficult ordeal, but I would talk to my husband about finding a solution. Whether that be that the children can't be around them or accept gifts unless there are gifts for both, provided it isn't a birth occasion or you could have your husband speak to them alone, as they are his relatives and not yours. 
Perhaps him just telling them that they are putting him in a really difficult position and making him unhappy because he feels the need to do what's best for his family. You and his girls come first & he won't do anything to sacrifice their happiness, including spending time with extended family. She is a SIX YEAR OLD CHILD, should she be punished for not being born into a family that loved her & should she continue feeling rejected? Because that is exactly what's happening right now. 
Happiness isn't allowing your kid to be around them, if anything you're protecting her from growing up with that dim and ugly mindset towards those who are less fortunate. Less fortunate is generally an indication of poverty, but in this case it is loved ones. This is appalling, appalling that people could be so very hurtful and inconsiderate to a child. And even if they don't care for one child as much as the other, must they make it so apparent?? To TRULY love your youngest child would also be encouraging her to have a strong and healthy relationship with her sibling. So, do not feel as though you are sacrificing something by cutting them out of your younger daughter's life. Hopefully your husband will step up to the plate and deal with them, but if he doesn't it is your responsibility to your daughters to do it & especially your older baby. She has no father in her corner to root for her, if your husband doesn't. You said he treats her just like she is his own, well-- what would he do if someone were isolating Colbie, but celebrating Brooke?
If I were you, it would definitely be time for action! They have to change their ways or they're cut off. Put your foot down, stand firm, say what you mean and mean what you say. People get on board or get out of the way whenever you do that.

elaeblue · Answer

Just say no.

Tell these people that for every single gift given to Colbie there better be one for Brooke...and if there is not ...then go home and don't go back.

You cannot sacrifice one childs mental health ..emotional well being for the other child.
Face it - no child really "needs" grandparents unless the parents are unfit. 

Be strong - its your childs well being thats at stake here..believe me I know - I was once just like Brooke...the child the in-laws never accepted..its hard and its unfair and I would not allow anyone to do that to my child.

Anonymous · Answer

This is really hard, but their behaviour is just not acceptable. Most hurtful thing for me was when you said that they also teach their children to make the difference between your 2 daughters, so they are passing their terrible behavior to next generation! 
One, I don't think that Colbie's happiness depends on them. If they are so conservative and narrow-minded, maybe they will reject her sometimes in the future, for some of her actions-so she might get hurt by them even more because they have spoiled her until that possible point beyond and logical limit. That spoiling Colbie part is also important-not only that they don't accept your older daughter, but they ruining your disciplining, authority and teaching her of what's right and what's wrong.
Basically, my point is next- cut their contact's with Colbie until they learn to act civily toward your older daughter. They can't black-mail and manipulate you, I wouldn't accept this! If they can't at least pretent in from of them that they are equal, then they don't deserve to harm either one of your daughters. And with this behavior they are indeed ruining both of them, only in different way.

Ariana · Answer

i ve read this and i felt really sorry for you.those "grandparents" are terrible.this is so unfair.how can someone hurt a young little girl on purpose.i believe you should cut them of.it sounds cruel,but Colbie will get over it.She is young,so she will forget about them.she might be upset at first,but if you dont cut them of,it will be worse,since it might make Brook jealous of Colbie and ruin their sibling relationship.
i wish the best for you and your family.

? · Answer

You should not have to choose one daughters happiness over another! This is bull-crap! Your in-laws should accept Brooke as part of the family, as she is part of the family. If they do not accept Brooke, they do not accept you!

All your children deserves the same love from everyone. Your in-laws are creating mental problems for Brooke, tell them to deal with it, or they will never see their Daughter-in-law or any of their Grand-Daughters ever again.

Tiesha · Answer

Withhold Colbie from them, they're horrible people. This would be a good time to teach her about favoritism and how it destroys families.

cassandra · Answer

That is really sad You should sit down and talk to all of them. tell them how she feels. just because she not there blood grandchild they should still be nice to her.

? · Answer

i would tell them off, and cut them off if you need to. If they cant love all your kids, they can't see ANY of them. That should tech them a lesson, tell them what to do.

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My in-law's do not accept my daughter into their family?

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