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? asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 8 years ago

Do you like this writing?

This is just an excerpt from about thirteen pages into my writing. I was wondering if it was interesting, or if you would read a book written this way? Before you read, know that the narrator just woke up screaming from a horrible nightmare.

Footsteps pound down the hall, and a fist bangs on my door. “Payton! What the hell are you doing in there?!?”

I flinch, then curse under my breath before swinging my legs to the floor. When I open the door, Mom is raising her hand to knock again. She stares down at me with sleepy-pissed blue eyes that are identical to my own. They’re framed by a strong, angular face that is also identical to mine. We could be twins if I hadn’t inherited my father’s straight hair and funny, sticking-out ears.

“What was that all about?”

“Sorry,” I mutter, avoiding eye contact so she can’t see the panic in my gaze. I run a hand through my hair and lean against the door frame. I’m still shaky, still sweating, but not from the nightmare anymore. I feel feverish. “Bad dream. Didn’t mean to wake you up.”

She stares at me with hard eyes for a few seconds before relaxing. Her hand presses against my forehead, and I lean into it, relishing the coolness, the comfort. She may work too much, and she may have a quick temper, but she’s my mom and I can’t help but want her around at a time like this.

“You’re burning up,” she murmurs. “Go back to bed, and I’ll bring you an ice pack.”

I say something that could be loosely translated as “Okay,” and shuffle back to bed. Just as I’m about to flop down, I stop. The sheets are soaked with sweat, and I stare at them. The Thing was just there, lying with me, ready to consume me as I slept. Its presence seems to still hang over the mattress, and I can’t bring myself to lay down. I feel like it will come right back if I do.

Great. I’m scared of my own freaking bed.

I'm fifteen and an aspiring author, so I would appreciate any criticism and/or advice. Thank you!

3 Answers

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    I'm not a real critic, but I do have some pointers...This is a decent piece of writing, although some of it is a little awkward and stilted. The dialogue is good, and I like the way you describe this person's bond with his mother ("Her hand presses against my forehead, and I lean into it, relishing the coolness, the comfort..."). But be sure to be consistent with your voice. You don't want to sound like an "older" person (assuming the narrator is a teenager) by using words like "relished" and then using "teenager" words like "freaking" right after. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's just my opinion. Also, some of the terms you use for description are a little unusual (sleepy-pissed blue eyes, etc...I personally like that one, but other people might not appreciate it as much.). Overall you did a pretty good job. Keep writing and good luck!

    Source(s): Seventeen, also an aspiring author. skyler.j.c.raine@gmail.com
  • 8 years ago

    Good, i like it!

    it not usual for someone like me (must be mention, i'm a eastern chinese that not usually read english novels and story) to be attracted by writing.

    the wording you are using is quite plain for me, i can understand and having the image in my mind.

    i would be happy to read your writing further~!

    qiya_an1991@hotmail.com

  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    its ok. Now im not gonna put anything rude but im not gonna give you any ideas on how to fix it either, if its a piece of writing you want to publish or not, i'm still not gonna give my ideas to fix it.... because im not gonna write it for you....

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