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I'm a white girl dating a pakistani man, advice?
Hi, I'm very afraid to post my question here due to the responses I might get, but at the same time, I know many of you can give insight that I can't see since I wasn't brought up in the same culture and religion. Here is goes...
I'm 26 and have been dating a 34 year old Pakistani man for nearly 2 years. He has US citizenship and is a successful engineer, he has never been married nor does he have kids. He isn't too religious and admits that if he was, dating isn't allowed, but he prays and observes Ramadan, doesn't drink, eat pork etc. He's a very kind man and is so good to me that sometimes I think he's too good to be true. I was very hesitant to start a relationship with him since I'm aware of some stereotypes. For example, dating is forbidden in Islam, most men's mothers have the final say in who they end up with and, in fact, want their sons to end up with someone from the same culture or an arranged marriage. I'm aware many men from the middle East only use white girls, but then dump them for women of their own culture when it's time to marry. I'm aware men are allowed to become polygamous.
He agreed and said much of what I said is true, but that I can't stereotype everybody and to please give him a chance since he doesn't fit into any of the stereotypes and assured me all along of how seriously he's taking me. Well, his mom and sister came overseas from Dubai to visit for 4 months (his sister is having a baby here in the states, she had an arranged marriage...she's 36 right now and it's her first kid). I had a sudden rush of fear, wondering if he even told them about me, or if he had kept me a secret the entire time we were dating. After a few weeks of them being here, he invited me to a nice restaurant to meet them.
I was so nervous, thinking they would disapprove of me. To my surprise, they brought me a gift and both welcomed me with warm hugs and kisses on the cheek. I couldn't of asked for a better meeting and after, he told me how much they both liked me. I was shocked. Since then, we've met up several more times and they have been nothing but sweet, inviting me out to dinner themselves, cooking food for me etc.
The one thing that makes me feel depressed is that my boyfriend won't even give me a hug goodbye when it's time to go in front of them. I suppose it's a huge thing for me to even meet his family, so I shouldn't complain, but is it common not to touch someone of the opposite sex at all? even a hug goodbye? it's so weird as he just waves his hand bye in front of his mom and sis.
Is this normal of him not to even give a hug goodbye? and how big of a deal is it to be introduced to his mom and sister? Thank you.
Jordan- I tend to agree with you and I'm not pro intercultural relationships. Friendship, yes. Relationship, no. If this ends would I ever do it again? Nope! I understand some relationships do beat the odds, but very few. It takes a lot of work from both sides to make it work. My heart is already invested as of now. and I keep falling deeper. We've already had talks, but I suppose it's time to have another very serious talk again soon about marriage, the specifics, asking if its in our cards. i'm 26 and nearing 30. I don't want to spend the last few years of my youth on something where there isn't a chance. As much as I hate, I may even ask for a timeline. We've already been together for 2 years, so it might be fair for me to say I'd like to be engaged within a year. or something....
I'm so happy to be getting great advice from all. Thank you so much for being blunt but putting it nicely. :) you're all helping me sort my thoughts!
Basma- If you were to ask him if he's Muslim, his answer is no. He knows that since he dates, he isn't one. Still, for whatever reasons, he choses to observe everything else like a saint and i support him. I told him more than a few times "you know I'm a christian, and we are allowed to date. I know you aren't allowed to. Are you sure you are ok with a relationship?"
His answer has always been, "I want to know the person I will marry. I could never get to know someone via arranged marriage or a few short dates where we're not allowed to be one-on-one. I will NEVER be that person. It isn't you that's straying me from that path, it's just what educated person would be ok vowing to spend the rest of their life with someone they barely know or that's a daughter of a family friend etc. I assure you that you aren't steering me off the path. There are a lot of things I observe with my religion, but there's a few I don't. So I
Basma- It started off light-hearted, we were friends. But we quickly fell in love. I thought with my heart and not my head. He treated me better than anybody else has treated me. and, at the time, I rationed in my head: yes, he's from a different religion, but how can you discontinue a perfect relationship when he even assures that he isn't the stereotype. Thanks, I hope it's a big deal to be introduced.
26 Answers
- 6 years ago
Hey! I am a Norwegian boy (18) with pakistani parents. I have had a girlfriend for the last 3 years whom btw is norwegian and I haven't yet introduced her to my parents, but I know that I will keep seeing her even if I do not get my parents consent (something I doubt that I won't get).
The point is that I love my girlfriend and that is why some of the comments here makes me want to puke. Honestly I don't know the guy, but you can't judge him without having the knowledge necessary to do that. And btw, for those of you writing that he is using her for sex, I have been with this girl for 3 years now and I have still not done the deed. Yes, the topic has been up for debate, but sex is something that I believe that most muslims (and also most humans) find sacred and so do I.
On the hugging topic; Yes it is seen on as wrong from a muslims mothers view for her son to hug a girl in public.
Source(s): Life - 7 years ago
He's the good pakistani dating type and is proud to have you to have u as a wife. If he didn't he wouldn't introduce u to his family. Also another plus is his mother likes u. The reason why pakistani men an white girl relationship don't last is because of these mothers wanting there child to marry within his own race. U are blessed. The reason why he might not hug u or kiss u in public is b/c it's in our culture to be modest in public and do these things in private. Honestly I know my mother would never be happy if she saw me with a white girl that why I never dated b/c When I am deeply in love I don't want to hurt the one I love by taking my moms side. There are jerks that use white girls for sex and I hope god torments those men i am very emotional I wouldn't ever be able to break any girls heart like that.
Source(s): I am a pakistani at the age of 18. Born and raised in USA - 6 years ago
Probably late for this answer but here goes incase you might stumble upon it and find it helpful.
I'm a Pakistani male, 27 years of age, and I'm married to a Venezuelan, 26 years of age. We've been happily married for 3 years. She is catholic and I am muslim. We dated for 3.5 years before marrying. My family accepts her fully. We live in Toronto (both are Canadian citizens).
What I can tell you from experience and because Im of that ethnicity is that there are generally two type of men from Pakistan when it comes to dating foreign women: one type likes to play around and the other is genuine. The first type find white girls to be "easy" and easy to get intimate with compared to Pakistani girls. They'll be intimate & loving but will disappear when it comes to marriage. The other type will go to all lengths to have a successful marriage.
The first type will NEVER introduce you to his parents, so if your boyfriend introduced you to his parents then that is the #1 cue of being genuine.
Source(s): Marriage experience - 6 years ago
Your question is over a year old. I hope that you would see this and that it is still relevant, or that at least somebody else would find it useful. I am a Pakistani male doctor, living and working in the US. I think I am falling in love with a Korean American woman, who I am dating these days. I grew up in Pakistan. There are barriers, on both sides that we have to overcome. There are real challenges. But this is my life. Risk nothing, gain nothing, right? Go for it! Don t second guess your love. By the way, please also keep in mind that statistically speaking, when two White Americans get married, chances of their marriage falling apart are also very high. I don t know either one of you but I feel very happy for you guys. Good luck.
- Anonymous7 years ago
Hi First of all in Islam men are allowed to choose their wives not their mothers and arrange marriage is a cultural thing not Islamic. If he wants he can marry you but only if you are Jewish or Christian and its his choice not his mothers. In Islam men and women dont date but some Muslim people do anyways.
Polygamy doesnt happen like that. If the wife agrees with it then the man can but if the wife doesnt agree the man cant go and marry another lady. Plus if a man can provide for both his wives and be there for them the same amount and he can be equal with all of them then u can have more then 1 wives otherwise u cant and its hard for any men to do that and u cant do it if ur wife doesnt agree.
He probably doesnt want to hug front of his parents. And if his parents like you, you have nothing to be worried about. But get to know him longer.
Good luck x
Edit: I know many White guys/guys who have married Bengali, Pakistani, Middle East etc girls and have had long, happy marriages. Yes their may be some cultural differences but you should talk through everything and ask as many questions you want. If you dont like his culture which is fine then you can break up and find someone else. =D
Edit again: Why is his sister having a baby in America? Isnt that illegal or was she born here?
- 7 years ago
You brought up, the fact he does not hug or Kiss, you in front of his Parents. This is just one example, of cultural clash that exist between you. Strictly speaking according to Islamic teaching, he should not be engaging in premarital sex. So I think on one level there is an element of shame. The more, serious the relationship, becomes the more obstacles you will encounter. And don't consider a family with him, unless your are, happy your children to be brought up as Muslim. My opinion is that he is using you for sex, as Pakistani men have almost no opportunities to engage in premarital sex with females from their own communities. A similar scenario happened to a female friend of mine.
- Anonymous7 years ago
Intercultural relationships bring a whole new level of complexity to the relationship that other relationships don't have, as you've already noticed. I think you should visit Pakistan with him; I think you should feel comfortable with the language; I think you should be aware of more religious and ethnic differences you may have. Be aware; you may be in for a shock.
But good luck, nonetheless.
- 5 years ago
here are numerous reasons why a once committed relationship would degenerate to one partner asking for a divorce. how to save your marriage https://tr.im/jxFO4
It could have been:
- an affair
- having been separated by a long distance for lengths of time
- conflict
- behavioral issues or psychological problems of one spouse
- even unmanaged addictions.
Whatever of these problems may be what is seen on the surface, the bottom line is that usually, barring any abuse or psychological problems that are best handled by a professional, a couple find themselves in danger of divorce when there is a loss of:
- communication,
- love
- and intimacy
in the marital relationship.
