Forgiveness is for me and not the person that I am angry at?

Question

I was betrayed three years ago and to this day I am still angry. I try not to think about it much lest it consume me but I think I am loosing the battle.

I was taught as a young man that forgiveness is about repairing the harm that we do to others. Its about healing their pain by showing that I understand that I had hurt them, that I was truly sorry, and that I will make every effort to no reoffend.

Back when I was taught this I was a troubled young man but found when I made amends as described above, that a great weight was lifted off of me and all the anger I had as a kid/young man was undone.... healed... gone!

For 20 years I went without anger but now I find myself again consumed by anger because of a deep betrayal of two of those closest to me. I have made amends for my part but they do not seem to care or even understand the harm that they caused me. Because of this I cannot let go of the anger.

Online I have been told that forgiveness is not for others, its for me... which is a foreign concept for me. Forgiving others for my benefit just seems selfish and self serving. But I am nearing a place of complete defeat and now question the validity of my past teachings on forgiveness.

So my question is how does forgiving so I can feel better help resolve the problem? It really seems like ducking my head in the sand. Can someone please help me understand the concept that forgiveness is for me and not the person that I am angry at?

On A Journey · Accepted Answer

Your description of forgiveness (as you initially learned about it) actually sounds more like apologizing and taking responsibility for wrongdoing. That is something very different than forgiveness. The person who was in the wrong doesn't get to forgive the person who suffered. It's the other way around: the person who suffered is the one who decides whether to forgive.
To forgive means to basically let go of your negative feelings about something that happened. So basically when you forgive someone, you free yourself of the hurt, anger, pain, etc connected to what the other person did. When you hang on to anger and bitterness for long periods without healing from it, lots of negative things can result: depression, anxiety, aggression towards others, drinking/doing drugs to excess, etc. In that sense forgiveness is for yourself and there's nothing selfish in doing that. 
It can be hard to move on when the people who have harmed you refuse to acknowledge what they did. Unfortunately, you have no control over that - it's possible they will NEVER acknowledge what they did. (This happened to me.) Often people cannot forgive until they've worked through the anger and hurt that they experienced. If you're struggling to move past that hurt (been there!), consider talking to a professional about it. Sometimes we just don't know how to make sense of what happened or can't move on, despite our best efforts and great support from loved ones.

? · Answer

We cannot change the past but can learn to live at peace with the memories of it by allowing ourselves to heal within. Your anger affects nobody but yourself and such a continuous negative thought pattern will ultimately impact on your health, either emotionally or physically. It appears you do not consider yourself worthy of forgiveness either so use it as a form of self punishment but in reality the anger is an expression of the fear felt within. It is suggested you consider seeking help to find peace with those experiences.

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Forgiveness is for me and not the person that I am angry at?

2 Answers