lost the will to exist? ?

I understand this feeling, you gotta pull through because in my experience I've pulled through, things got better (not immediately after, but Ive always ended up saying "Im glad I didn't do it" whether it was a few months or year later). I wish it got immediately better, but you're worth it enough to pull through. It's difficult, but you got this. If anything, the crisis line helped me a bit and it's confidential. 

Nature walks help.

Keeping a pet cat, dog, bird is helpful.

Reading good books helps:

"The Great Divorce;"

"The Code of the Woosters;"

"In a Sunburned Country;"

"For Couples Only;""Understanding Yourself" by Mark Prophet.

Be patient with yourself, and also talk with a counselor:

https://www.hopefortheheart.org/

http://klove.com/

same here maybe it's just our time to go?

Contact a local mental heath professional.