If I'm ashamed of something in my past, does that mean i don't accept it, or does ceasing to he ashamed mean that i finally have? ?

Lyla, we all have a past and we can all look back and wish that we either hadn't done  certain things or wished we had done some things differently. Looking back on our past is natural to all of us with some degree of regret. The important thing here is that we don't allow ourselves to become prisoners of the past. None of us are perfect and we all make wrong decisions at times however, it is all a part of our learning curve we all endure as we go through life. Whatever has happened in your past, is now in the past, and gone forever and none of us can turn back the clock. What really matters is how we live our lives in the future and having learned from our mistakes in the past helps us to live a little wiser. Please don't make the mistake of allowing your past to hinder your future. Always remember too, that those who you may feel might be judgmental of your past actions are by no means better than you and you may also be assured that they also have plenty of skeletons in their closet that they would rather forget. You keep your chin up and look the world right in the eye and don't  condemn yourself for a past mistake as we all prone to making them.   

It is in the past, let it stay there.  We all have something we are not proud of, if it is still haunting you, you haven't let it go.  Water under the bridge is a long ways back there.  Some things just haunt us all our lives & we cannot let go.  Best to let go but sometimes we can't.  A burden to carry all our lives.

Everyone's got something in their past that they are embarrassed or even ashamed about.  But it's history.  It cannot be changed.  You have some history of which you are ashamed.  See it.  Recognise it.  Regret it......and then move on.  You aren't going to repeat it.  You will never do it/say it/whatever....ever again.  So put it where it belongs, in the past and let it drift off out of memory.  One incident in your past does NOT define the you that you are today.  So don't dwell on it.  It's over and done with.

i really need him

I have suffered a lot

am getting really horrible flashbacks all the way from 2008.

Its not a joke. Its severe pain.

I suppose so, too.

I suppose..........