On a nursing resume, how to describe in a professional manner, "Clean patients when they poop & vomit; comfort them, brush their hair, etc"?

Bedside care, grooming, and custodial services.  No need to be more detailed as they likely are fully aware what you are referring to already.

That's part of a CNA's job.  Go on-line and find out exactly what the duties of a CNA is and write those down.

Taking care of personal and hygiene needs of patients. 

Everyone will understand what that means. 

Professional pooper scooper on the vomit comet.

"Assist patients with their daily needs"?

That's not a nurse resume. Are you trying to write a resume for CNA or Patient care tech. If so, u need to rewrite entire resume and be professional on your job duties. Definitely not how you word a resume. All u have to do is google search engine cna resumes and look at examples

Attending to hygiene and other personal needs for patients.

Responsible for patients personal care and grooming

Personal care.............