I love my husband but he's useless and never wants to do anything ?

Do not fall for his "...we should have one and he will find a job as soon as I'm pregnant..." given that he has said HE will stay home with the child.

Perhaps use that.

Say "When you can show me that you can care for yourself and US, work around the home and keep it clean, maybe then we can revisit the idea of a child. But I am not leaving you with a child when you are NOT capable of taking care of yourself, let alone anything else - specially a child who is going to depend on BOTH of us to raise it.

Time to stop being the victim of your past and start being the responsible adult you should be IF you want to be a Father.". See how that goes over?

why do you love him he sounds like a *****

I don't believe he will find a job after you're pregnant if he's refusing to go get one now! That's like a drug addict promising to get clean IF their gf gets pregnant. It's BS. In my little town, fast food places are hiring in new employees at $13-15 an hour. I'm sure that wage would come in handy and it does not require a glowing resume of learned skills or a long steady employment history. Absolutely refuse to get pregnant until he's worked steady for a minimum of one year. He'd better get busy!

"I was the only one working". That's past tense. Are you working now? If not, why not? 

It would appear that you didn't 

really get to know him (his true 

inner character) before getting 

married to him. Regardless, he 

has made it clear that he doesn't 

love you enough to put in any 

effort, and is even so lazy that 

he will make YOU do the work 

of ending the relationship. May 

as well not disappoint him... 

go ahead and GO. 

I think it’s time to give him an ultimatum. Either he gets a job, or you file for divorce. Give him 3 months, or whatever you feel is appropriate. Under no circumstances should you have a child with this man if he will not work. His “ill get a job when you’re pregnant” crap is ridiculous. He’s trying to trap you with a child that you’ll get stuck taking care of alone. My ex bf was kind of like that. He always complained that he couldn’t get jobs, but he didn’t even try. He would sleep till 4pm and watch tv all night. He wouldn’t even clean the house. As long as you keep taking care of him, he’s comfortable and has no reason to do better. Don’t cook his meals, don’t wash his clothes, and don’t give him a penny of your paycheck. Unfortunately you’re married, so he’s legally entitled to it. But that would require him to get off his butt and make an effort.

I suggest you stop babying him, and tell his dad to do the same. Have a serious conversation with him, and do not cave or back down. Tell him that starting tomorrow, he will get up and start applying for jobs. He needs to do it by himself. He’s a grown man and you shouldn’t have to hold his hand. Tell him that when you get home from work, you expect the house to be clean, a hot meal, and he will give you a list of every job he applied for that day. Do not accept excuses. If he doesn’t have a job in 3 months, you will move out and file for divorce. If he shows no progress in a month or so, start looking for apartments for yourself so you can leave in 3 months. Get a copy of the divorce papers to fill out. When you leave him alone with no money and no place to live, he will finally be forced to grow up. He will not change as long as you keep taking care of him. I know you love him, but love isn’t enough to make a marriage work. He’s basically your child right now. When I finally got my ex to leave, I felt like I was finally free. It was like a huge, fat, lazy weight being lifted off my shoulders. You don’t need to stay married to a guy who is using you and bringing you down. Don’t worry about upsetting him either. He needs to hear this stuff. The longer you tolerate his behavior, the less likely he is to change.

Since he's comfortable in his ways and he's found people to support that, he's not 

likely to change.  People can't change other people - they need to choose to change for themselves.  Although you love him, his laziness is putting a big strain on you and it's causing you to resentment him.  Everyone knows what their marriage deal-breakers are, and no one could blame you for leaving him.  Marriages take two and it's unfair that everything is left on your shoulders.BTW you write very well.  Such a nice change from what I've seen here over the years.

Well .. book an appointment for the two of you to go to marriage counseling.  It may or may not help.

In the end, NO ONE is perfect, so no mar"Triage is perfect. Couples often fight for about 10 years, then withdraw into alienated distance for about 10 years, before they understand that only rarely can we change our partner, that all partners have flaws, that trying to change our partner is what CAUSES the fighting ... so we either decide the person is worth putting up with the flaws .. or we leave them. Or they get tired of our dissent and they leave us.

I cannot make your choies for you.  You have to decide what priority your various wishes fall into, and choose the strongest priority.

As for having a child ..  DON'T.  Not with THIS man. He isn't going to shape up if you have a child.  You will just be working harder.

Telling you he will change AFTER a child is born is either his self-delusion or a deliberate attempt to trick you.  HE has to find a job NOW, and hang onto it for ... oh, give it at least 3 years ... before you can believe that he will KEEP a job long-term.

No .. he has to show you first.

You wouldn't give your car to someone who doesn't repay borrowed money, on the PROMISE that they will pay for the car at a later date.  Dont' have a child by a man who will not work at a job NOR at home instead of a job.

The one who stays home full-time serves the one who works full-time out of the home. And it is a 24/7 job for the house-person, and they keep the house to the working partner's standards.  It is actually more psychologically draining than going out to work, because it has no emotional perks to it, no sense of self-worth or accomplishments. The dirty dishes only become dirty the next day.

Here’s the part that jumped out at me “he tells me go right ahead if I don’t love him anymore”. That means he isn’t listening to what you are saying about his lack of contribution and how tired you are and instead is turning it into emotional blackmail. Don’t fall for it. You can love someone and still recognize that the relationship isn’t a good one, and staying together is a poor choice. People go through difficult times and struggle to deal with sadness or even depression, and it’s fair to support them for a while. But if someone is totally unwilling to work on pulling themselves out of that state (even by acknowledging that they may need professional help to deal with the depression), it’s hard to continue to support that.

And I bring up depression because he may be clinically depressed and require therapy and potentially medication before he will be able to make progress. You view it as lazy, because he won’t do anything, but he may be unable to do much of anything due to something like depression. Does he acknowledge that he has a problem? If you suggest it, does he lash out, or is he willing to consider it? 

Maybe the best thing for you to do is give him the final ultimatum. Don’t threaten to leave him, inform him that you cannot continue to live like this, and that he needs to change/step up or you will have to do something else. Tell him that he needs to get a job and be contributing to the household by June 1. Or that if he thinks he may have an issue with depression, he needs to find a counselor and be actively getting treatment. Otherwise, you will be moving out and moving on. And then you follow through.

Married men have jobs to do.  Leader of the home, he’s failing.  Partner in growing a healthy relationship...failing.  Contributing to the household and community...he’s failing that job, too.

Despite all the problems he has doing what he’s supposed to do?  Now he’s asking to have the massive increased responsibilities of fatherhood.  Absolutely no.  The child deserves better.  And so do you.

You’re a managing partner in the business of marriage and you’d be foolish to promote or increase the responsibility of anyone failing at the basics.

Choices?  Discipline.  For yourself and for your husband.  Set the standards and meet them, and expect your husband to fulfill his role.  If he doesn’t?

Do what you would do for anyone else with substandard performance.  Offer chances for improvement, and based on what happens?  Either cheer him on or “fire” him.