Sangy .

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRE SSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A **** BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!

The Market

Dear friends,

With all the turmoil in the market today, and the collapse of Lehman Brothers, and the acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Take note:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:

Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:

MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:

ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:

Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:

TittyTittyBangBang

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat and the pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater. But soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said, 'Place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease'. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

A bus load of nuns was travelling to see the Pope, and they had to make an overnight stop at a small inn on the way. The inn was nearly full, but there was enough room for the nuns if they went two to a room.

One couple had to share a double bed in a room. One of these two nuns turned to the other who was sharing with her and said, "Can I be frank with you? I'm a lesbian; I hope that doesn't make you feel too uncomfortable."

The other nun said back, "No - but if you're Frank tonight, can I be Frank tomorrow night?"

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling... Upon

hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went

straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother

and comfort her.When she asked how her grandfather had died, her

grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love

on Sunday morning.'Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people

nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.'Oh

no, my dear,' replied granny.Many years ago, realizing our advanced age,

we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would

start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'She

paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the

ice cream truck hadn't come along.'

Two Italian Men

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation that seems to be English.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: 'Emma come first Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more, ' You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig, she retorted indignantly. 'In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi.'

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

Two Priests are using a restroom at the Vatican.

One of them looks down at the other one s penis and notices there s a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks up at the other priest and says, I believe you re supposed to put that patch on your arm or

shoulder, not your penis.

The other one replies, No, It s working just fine. I m down to two butts a day.

*IF YOU LAUGH....YOU LL GO STRAIGHT TO

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,

"Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,

"What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He

thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths

when you're calling for a cab

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a

girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl bending over in the photo

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long

wavy hair, graceful legs...well you get the picture !

He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel .

.When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call

.

'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room

and give me one...No wait, I should be straight with you.

I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.

I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now

Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in

your

bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in

chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that

sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside

Line '

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of

unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to

change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual

purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old

son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting

home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit

project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,

knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us

where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,

knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am

sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I

never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that

nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,

'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!

You can't be too mad with Tommy.

After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and

knocked her out of her chair.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.

I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight.

Well, the hours passed And the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up

and Cuckooed three times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably Wake up, I cuckooed another nine times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed),

In order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "Midnight."

He didn't seem pissed off at all.

Whew! Got away with that One!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, ;

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said,

"Oh ****," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.' The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

The Cremated Husband

Martha lost her husband 3 weeks ago, She had him cremated

and brought his ashes home and kept them on the endtable.

The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the patio,

She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the table.

She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her fingers in them,

After a few minutes she started talking to the ashes.

'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?

I bought it with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

'Herman, remember that car you promised me?

Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in

the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring yo u promised me?

Bought it too, with the insurance money!'

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,

'Herman, remember that ******** I promised you?'

'Here it comes.'

Einstein's (other) Theory

August 19 was Einstein's birthday. He would have been 128.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin,

Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the

attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection................

.... This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'

Oh, be quiet!! - I didn't write this, I just received it and sent it on

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree" sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he

settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman

boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading

straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the

seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,

"Business trip or vacation?"

She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the

annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has

ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a

meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his

composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at

this convention?"

"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some

of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard," what myths are

those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African

American men are the most well endowed when, in fact,

it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to

possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French

men are the best lovers, when actually it is the man of

Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best

potential lover in all categories is the Southern

Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and

blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be

discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto!" the man says, "Tonto Goldstein! But my friends

call me Bubba!

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at

the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a

corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,

leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in

the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house

today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.

Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His

buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker

and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got

it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I

ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get

really mad

but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,

'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma

liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk

by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and

Says................

'Grandpa;....... Go home! You're drunk.

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