cheeks the slick

For Sale—One (1) Wife, slightly used, 1950 Model Needs muffler, as it is currently VERY LOUD. Intake valve is stuck in the open position. Rear end needs major overhaul. A crack there has grown monstrously large. Needs re-wiring—Many wires are currently crossed. Lots of little dings in the body, which have been covered up with too much paint in a failed effort at camouflaging them. Needs re-upholstering—Carpet has turned a dingy gray. Needs front-end work--Headlights are too close to the ground, and fenders are too far apart. May not pass emissions test, as it currently produces foul clouds of malodorous gases on a regular basis, Heater works great. Hot air is never in short supply.. Asking $500 or trade for 1990 model

THIS CAN HAPPENTO YOU!!

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was

already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed

wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you? "Demanded

Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned. You mean I'm dead? That can't be, I have so much to

live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me

back straight away."

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch!

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated but kn owing there was a farm not far from his

house, he asked to be sent back! as a h en. A flash of light later, he was

covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This isn't so bad

he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen.

How are you enjoying your first day here?

It's not so bad, "replied Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside

like I'm about to explode."

You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid

an egg before."

Never," replied Brian.

Well, just relax and let it happen." And so he did, and after a few

uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the

better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of! happiness was overwhelming

and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had

happened to him...ever!!!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he

felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife

shouting, Brian! Wake up, you drunken bastard, you're $hitting in the bed."

African roulette

The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.

They had spent the day discussing the progress the country had made with the Russians

Before kicking them out.

"They built us a power plant, an airport, and taught us how to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."

The ambassador looked pained and said, "Russian roulette is a dangerous game." "Right, that's why we invented African roulette; would you like to play? “I’m not sure, how does it work?" , the ambassador askeThe African clapped his hands and six gorgeous black women, all nude, came wiggling in. The diplomat said, "Choose the one you want to give you oral sex.The smiling American ambassador exclaimed, "That's a lot better and less risky than Russian roulette..."

To which the African remarked,"....Not when one of them is a cannibal."

Don't Do Drugs

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to

the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

I said, (pointing to the small circle) this is your asshole before prison......"

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly... "My as$hole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

Was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun,

Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the

old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's

nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night

bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,

and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where

he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to

Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided

his Key to Heaven.....and unlocked my destiny."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more earnestly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation

was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with

ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was

Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . . . .. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

She said . . They don't have time

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was

Placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of

Flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy,

And after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the

Coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of

The mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

Big Johnson Gets a Tan

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that.

When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot about it.

Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!"

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The old man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Aren't you afraid of me? Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep, " was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed..

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son.

Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear

the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag.

"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.

"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help so much when I'm out hunting! Oh, please, please, please let me have it!"

"Well, all right," says God. "Now, let's see what we have for you, Eve." God rummages about a bit more in the bag.

"Ah, right. Multiple orgasms.",

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

had you thinking wicked for a minute hahaha

one day a young chap was peeping the neighbor daughter and her boyfriend necking.

when he heard the guy said,

i just going to put the head in alone ,it would not hurt much.

the girl said ok ,

not soon after the girl started to halla out and push the guy off and ran.

the young chap saw her after and said,

ya stupid,

ya know that head has no shoulder ,

and there is nothing stopping the body

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away.

When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him, and said, 'It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth, so I want you to start by kissing Eve.' Adam answered, 'Yes Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam then took Eve by the hand, behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged, and said, 'Lord, that was enjoyable.'

< small>And the Lord replied, 'Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve.' And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'caress'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam went again behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, 'Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'

And the Lord said, 'You've done well, Adam, and now I want you to make love to Eve.' And Adam said, 'Lord, what's 'making love'?' So the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam went to Eve, behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in two seconds... ..And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'headache'?'

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "its fart Rugby ." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Try and conversion - 7points each". After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Penalty - 10 to 7." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty 10 each." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, change sides."

A guy and his date were parked on a back road way out of town. Things started to heat up and he began to undo her dress. "I probably should have mentioned this before," she said, "but I'm a prostitute and if you want to have sex with me, it will cost you 20 dollars." The guy wasn't happy, but he paid up. Afterwards, he got dressed but just sat in the driver's seat without starting the engine. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the woman. "I probably should have mentioned this before," he replied, "but I'm a taxi driver and if you want to get back to town, it will cost you 30 dollars!"

Superman was bored because Batman and Spiderman were on vacation and there was nothing much to do. Flying around New York one day, he spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back with her legs apart on the roof of a tall building. He had always lusted after Wonder Woman so he thought he would swoop down and have his wicked way with her. "What was that?" said Wonder Woman afterwards. The Invisible Man climbed off her and said: "I dunno, but my fcuking as$ hole in pain

A young woman goes to her doctor complaining that the insides of her upper thighs have turned green.

The doctor examined her and asked her if by any chance , your boyfriend wears ear rings ?

When she said yes the doctor said

"Well tell him his ear rings aren't real gold!!!