Tony T

Thank you

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead

sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat

own, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket

toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to

make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the

theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest

dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her

place for a night-cap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to

every guy you meet? '

'No,' she replies. . . . .

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

(oh shut up, and just forward it!)

We are hitting £106.9 a litre in some areas now, soon we will be faced with paying £1.10 a ltr. Philip Hollsworth offered this good idea:

This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the 'don't buy petrol on a certain day campaign that was going around last April or May! The oil companies just laughed at that because they knew we wouldn't

continue to hurt ourselves by refusing to buy petrol. It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for them. BUT,whoever

thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can really work.

Please read it and join in!

Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think that the cost of a litre is CHEAP, we need to take a ggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the market place

not sellers. With the price of petrol going up more each day, we consumers need to take action. The only way we are going to see the price of petrol come down is if we hit someone in the pocket by not

purchasing their Petrol! And we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves. Here's the idea:

For the rest of this year DON'T purchase ANY petrol from the two biggest oil companies (which now are one), ESSO and BP.

If they are not selling any petrol, they will be inclined to reduce their prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to follow suit. But to have an impact we need to reach literally millions of Esso and BP petrol buyers. It's

really simple to do!!

Now, don't wimp out at this point... keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!!

I am sending this note to a lot of people. If each of you send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300)... and those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000) ... and so on, by the time the

message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers! If those three million get excited and

pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted! If it goes one level further, you guessed it... ..

THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!

Again, all You have to do is send this to 10 people. That's all.(and not buy at ESSO/BP) How long would all that take? If each of us sends this email out to ten more people within one day of receipt,

all 300 MILLION people could conceivably be contacted within the next 8days!!! Acting together we can make a difference . If this makes

sense to you, please pass this message on.

PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO THE 69p a LITRE RANGE

It's easy to make this happen. Just forward this email, and buy your petrol at Shell, Asda,Tesco, Sainsburys, Morrisons Jet etc. i.e. boycott BP and Esso

We

find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack

Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in

an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer

magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They

had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple

produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull

Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a

high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt

divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids

were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was

then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son

with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the

other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable

throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in

a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced

the Schitt-Happens

nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently

returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

any suggestions would be most apprecaited.

The animal cried piteously for hours as

the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the

well needed to be covered up anyway;

it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and

help him. They all grabbed a shovel and bega n

to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the

donkey realized what was happening and cried

horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he

quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally

looked down the well. He was astonished at what

he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his

back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel

dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it

off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey

stepped up over the edge of the well and

happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds

of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well

is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of

our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out

of the deepest wells just by not stopping,

never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less.

NOW ............

Enough of that. The donkey later came back,

and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and

the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover

your ***, it always comes back to bite you.

IT WAS ALREADY LATE FALL AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION IN SOUTH DAKOTA ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR MILD.

SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD SECRETS. W HEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY HE COULDN'T TELL WHAT THE WINTER WAS GOING TO BE LIKE.

NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED.

BUT BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. HE WENT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND ASKED, "IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?"

"IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD," THE METEOROLOGIST AT THE WEATHER SERVICE RESPONDED.

SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE FIREWOOD IN ORDER TO BE PREPARED.

A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "DOES IT STILL LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?"

"YES," THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, "IT 'S GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER."

THE CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND.

TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY COLD?"

"ABSOLUTELY," THE MAN REPLIED. "IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE COLDEST WINTERS WE'VE EVER SEEN."

"HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?" THE CHIEF ASKED.

THE WEATHERMAN REPLIED, "THE INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY."

It's really not difficult...

To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynaecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organiser

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly

45. love shopping

46. be honest

47. be very rich

48. not stress her out

49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:

birthdays

anniversaries

arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1 . Leave him in peace

IRONICALLY, THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A WOMAN.....Hmmmmmmm

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below .

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)

Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.

where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have big boobs.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving

my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more

than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car

shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When

I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a

neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard

and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her

unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed,

and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and

kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back.

But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke

down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six

months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his

job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly

depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave

him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I

can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a

variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no

debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the

vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the

problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low

delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Steve? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country

house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Steve, that your parrot died.”

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor Steve"

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Steve."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Si Senor Steve, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because

of a candle??!!!

"Si Senor Steve."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Steve."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"

"Your wife's, Senor Steve...She showed up one night out of the blue

and I thought she was a thief,! so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE...................

LONG SILENCE.............

"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****!"

EFFECTIVE NOV 1, 2007

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Internet

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your d1ck.

What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of t1ts in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?

To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Women will never be equal to men...

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

i feel mullered now,lol

This is weird, but interesting! This is a cool thing check it out.

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it

"Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mum Replies,

"No, because she is on heat."

What does that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says,

"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked

Mum, but she said the dog was on heat and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside

with it to disguise the scent and said

"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go

one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no

dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

(YOU'RE

GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said,

"She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block so another

dog is pushing her home."

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white."

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the

middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned

to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out

but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they

became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he

could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then

proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful!

Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they'd got over-enthusiastic on the Vodka Cruisers.Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee,

so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had

nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take

off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she put down her panties picked up the ribbon and proceeded to

wipe with that. After the girls did their business,

they continued to stumble home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights

have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the

worst.. My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her **** that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."