OnTheProwl007

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. "An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company, he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, How do you know they are having sex?"

" Billy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

Sunday's sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." Toward the end of the service the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time except one small, elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and said, "I outlived the bitches."

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food. While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"

Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"

He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.

A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"

"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."

"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

"Yes," replies the waiter, "…they're complimentary."

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont

Their first night there, she undressed as he did and there she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied : "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom .

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences".

What kind of coat can be put on only when wet?

There is a pink single story house and everything in it is pink. The doors are pink, the windows are pink and the TV is pink. What color are the stairs....

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a

picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one

raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What

animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good

Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.

None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on

this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and

says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next

she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized

the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's

something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A

large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.

She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.

Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said,

"Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with

the brown nose."

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a

picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one

raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What

animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good

Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.

None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on

this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and

says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next

she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized

the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's

something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the

delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top

of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says

to the doctor, "Are you my dad?".

The doctor says, "No, I am your doctor!". With that, the baby pops

right back inside.

"Damn!", says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head push

through again.

"Are you my dad?", asks the baby.

"No, I am your doctor.", he replies.

Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother's womb.

The doctor turns to a nurse and says, "Nurse, get that baby's father

in here right away--we may have a situation on our hands!". Moments

later the baby's father is in the delivery room, and the baby's head

once again pops out. "Are you my dad?", the baby asks of the father.

The father replies, "Yes, little baby, I am your father!"

The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead

with his index finger--"How do you like that?"

Thanks for having my last question titled "free points" removed but i got what i wanted which was 2007 points because i love the year 2007 so my next question was if you love 2007 and you see how many points I have then give me a star and enjoy the two points

Mrs. Jenkins comes to visit her son Anthony for

dinner...who lives with

a female roommate, Vikki. During the course of the

meal, his mother

couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate

was. She had

long

been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and

this had only

made her more curious.

Over the c! ourse o f the evening, while watching the two

interact, she

started to wonder if there was more between Anthony

and his roommate

than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony

volunteered, "I

know

what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and

I are just

roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying,

"Ever since your

mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the

silver sugar bowl.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Well, I doubt

it, but I'll

email

her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from

my house,

I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the

fact remains that it

has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

________________________________________________________________________________

Several days later, Anthony received a response email

from his

Mama, which read:

Dear Son,

I'm ! not say ing that you are not with Vikki, and I'm

not saying

that you are with her. But the fact remains that if

she were

sleeping in the other room, she would have found the

sugar bowl in the

bed

by now.

Love Mama.

I am a telephone operator at the hospital here and this lady calls in and says, i was wondering if you could get in touch with a doctor that treated me last week i said do you know his name she said well he was a short black guy but i can't pronounce his name i will spell it out for you i said okay she said i'll spell it from my prescription bottle m-u-s-t is his first name and his last name is a-u-t-h-o-r-i-z-e i placed her on hold so fast my co-workers were literally rolling on the floor when i told them

How many miles is it to swim across the Atlantic Ocean from New York to Paris?

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when

a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his

butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the

baby was his and asked what was he going to do about

it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until

the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar,

and one day the teenager who had been collecting the

meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been

counting too, tell your mother, when you take this

parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat

she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The

woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher

and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk,

and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the

expression on HIS face!"

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, t

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Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.

As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"

After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.

A neutron at a bar

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.

"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"