None A

An old mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to the bed.

- You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.

- But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your rolex watch instead?

- Shuddup and lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifulla wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a coulple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find your beautifula wife in bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then? Pointa to your watch and say:

"Time's up?'"

Every cigarette smoke reduces your life by 5 minutes; but sex, increases life by 10 minutes...

So the basic theme of this equation is: a fockin' smoker never dies...

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations throughout the U.S. Hopefully, none of us will be seeing similar ones on ours.

- Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not allow this employee to breed.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

- He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

- A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

Bono is at a U2 concert in Dublin when he asks the audience for some quiet.

Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice...

"Just for a moment, think outside yourself... Outside this arena... Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A loud Irish voice from near the front pierces the moment...

"Well, ya stupid ****, stop yer fockin' clappin', then!"

Little Logan and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated round the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

- Logan, wait until we say our prayer, his mother reminded him.

- I don't need to, the little boy replied.

- Of course you do! his mother insisted, We say a prayer before eating at our house.

- That's at our house, Logan explained, but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

1) That’s not right = Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive = Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP = Kum Hia

4) Stupid Man = Dum ***

5) Small Horse = Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach = Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped the coffee table = Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift = Chin Tu Fat

9) It’s Very dark in here = Wai So Dim

10) I Thought you were on a diet = Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone = No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week = Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight = Lei Ying Lo

14) He’s cleaning his automobile = Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive = Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great = Fa Kin Su Pah

A man drinks a shot of whisky every night before bed. After years of this, his wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whisky.

After getting him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whisky, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?"

He says, "If I drink whisky, I won't get worms!"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

- You all have obsessions, he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said:

- You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second Mom, Ann:

- Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce:

- Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers:

- Come on, Dick, we're leaving.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold...

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate

with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck

on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

An elderly couple, who are both widowed, had been going out with each other for a time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

- How do you feel about sex? he asked, rather trustingly.

- Well, she said, responding very carefully, I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his glasses, he casually asked:

- Is that one word or two?

How many bytes do you need to "write" a "program"/"file" to restart the DOS operating system?

asm

{

int 19h;

}

I read sometime ago some papers written by a doctor who said the complexity of this virus could not be "generated" by "natural" causes. There is some "med-scientist" here who can say something about this???

What is the minumum number of lines which you can draw (without raising your pen from the paper) and manage to unite the all 9 points described as below? (the "star" sign represent the points and I "draw" some imaginary "lines" between them...). And another thing, the lines must be "straight" lines (as geometry defines them...not "curves"...).

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Waiting...