McKenna

I am trying to recover. I really am.

I have gone from a measly 56, gained, and then lost back down to 70ish, and then gained some more. I am now 103 lbs- still underweight by about 15 lbs.

My life still involves calorie crunching. Recently I have stopped eating 2500 and started 2000 calories because I hated stuffing my face. My gain has slowed. I hate it. The bones are showing again, and the pants are starting to fall.But I just... don't want to eat anymore. I hate food, but I won't starve myself.

I want to move on. I am 16, have suffered for a few years, and need to grow up. How can I get over it? I don't want to see my counselor nor do i have the means with all my medical bills piling up (I can't keep doing that to my parents)

I faked happy and now I am reverting back. I have no friends. At all. I can't stand all the people in my school. I don't belong there. I need a job but that has to wait until I get my license.

What really got me angry was when a boy hit on me. Inside I was thinking "yeah, because my bony body is so hot" I wasn't openly mean but every time a guy checks me out I feel so disgusted. I admit that my face is pretty, but my body is repulsive.

I know there isn't any secret but I just need to get on with it! I can't be like this for forever and it is holding me back. I am still afraid of being over 105 lbs, but I know that if I can get to 108 my period will come back.

It still has this hold over me and I am sick of it. School is so bloody triggering and I think I am going mad.

Any advice from those who have/are recovering?