Blue P

ok.. it's not the new one..

kinda old but whenever i read it again.. i couldn't help but smilin'....

(I just hope that those psycho over-religious people r not here in this Jokes and Riddle section.. otherwise.. i could get reported)..

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

i m makin' one right now.. fancy sharin' with me??

lol

(lol.. don't mind me.. just hate the idea of eatin' alone)

with the chosen one borrowin' 2 trillion dollors from China and.. spend it in a ruthless plans... wat r the odds of us bankrupted at the end of Hussein Obama's term..??

i say its the sure thing!! wat do u guys think?

China buyin' our government's debt..? can u Guys believe it..?? Whooppp.. com'on hey..! it's china to the rescue..?? no way.. these guys r not trustworthy..(not even a bit)...

No offense..but can't anyone in Whitehouse do anything to prevent this from happenin'...?? oh .. plz don't tell me about our precious "chosen one" borrowin' 2 trillion $ from other countries.. it's the best and quickest way to bankrupt us...

omg.. i just wish that... George Bush is still in the WhiteHouse.. he could come up with a solution to solve all those problems...

Wat do u guys think???

Thank you.. Mr.Representative of the America..

In history we ve this "Who found America?" debate goin' on..

but i think from now on.. we won't ve any problem in pointin' out "Who DESTROYS America..?"

God bless America.. i just hope that he doesn't screw us over before his term is over...

This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails received in a while. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

Wh en you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

play with urself in a week????

no offense.. i m just curious to know..

NOTE: just a joke... and no offense on feminine point of view..

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1"

ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl.

If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.

See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh

lie in a day....?

to become the First Madam President of United States??

lol..

no offense..

but we'll be d..a.mned if she becomes Madam President.. she might not know even where Mexico is. ....

Diary of a Viagra Wife

Day 1.

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3.

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4.

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his problem. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5.

What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.

Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7.

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8.

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with whip cream and whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11.

I'm basically being scr£wed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12.

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...

Day 13.

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry", thing again, I'll kill the *******.

Day 14.

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him h-o-r-n-i-e-r. Help me.

Day 15.

I think I'll have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f... himself and he did.

Day 16.

The ******* has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17.

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18.

He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the telly all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

of this joke...?

An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great white hunter, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never showed up. Finally, he told the tribal chief to k$ll a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of bl00dcurdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter lying there, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.” What happened, bwana? Where is the lion? asked the chief.” Forget the d@mn lion!" he howled.” Which of you Idiots let the bull loose?"

COMMITMENT ISSUE..???

i know it may sound completely crazy.. but i broke up with my last gf due to my commitment phobia... so wat about u .. guys???

picture your future husband would look like..???

picture your future wife would look like????

we have to pay for our mistake so soon at the start of the 4 years term.. (our mistake = for pickin' HUSSEIN 0bama to be "Mr. Representative of the America" )

Yes or no.. and a little details would be a great help..

No Offense to those who love him..

(for those retarded who always thought someone is racist because they don't vote for 0bama... i myself is not a white man.. and here i make it myself clear that i m not a racist)

we have to pay for our mistake so soon at the start of the 4 years term.. (our mistake = for pickin' HUSSEIN 0bama to be "Mr. Representative of the America" )

Yes or no.. and a little details would be a great help..

No Offense to those who love him..

(for those retarded who always thought someone is racist because they don't vote for 0bama... i myself is not a white man.. and here i make it myself clear that i m not a racist)

we have to pay for our mistake so soon at the start of the 4 years term.. (mistake = for pickin' HUSSEIN 0bama to be "Mr. Representative of America..)

(no offense to those who love him.. )

blonde r stupid...???????

yes or no .... and some detail to ur answer would be appreciated..

(i personally don't think so.. i ve two blonde friends and.. they both r smart, fun and interesting.. wat about u?????)

i ve two friends who ve blond hair... and.. they both seem pretty smart, fun and interesting..

how do u guys think???????????????????