miracleMB

Little Ramy was 7 years old and like

other boys

his age rather

curious.

He had been hearing quite a bit

about 'making out'

from the older boys, and he wondered

what it was

and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his

mother, who

became rather flustered. Instead of

explaining

things to Ramy, she told him to hide

behind the

curtains one night and watch his older

sister and

her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning,

RAMY

described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for

a while,

then he turned off most of the lights.

Then he

started kissing and hugging her. I

figured 'Sis must

be getting sick, because her face started

looking

funny.

He must have thought so too, because he

put his

hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,

just the

way the doctor would. Except he's not as

smart as

the doctor because he seemed to have

trouble

finding her heart. I guess he was getting

sick too,

because pretty soon both of them started

panting

and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold

because he

put it under her skirt.

About this time 'Sis got worse and began

to moan

and sigh and squirm around and slide

down

toward

the end of the couch. This was when her

fever

started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis

told him

she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making

them so

sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his

pants

somehow. It just jumped out of his pants

and

stood there, about 10 inches long,

honest, anyway

he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from

getting

away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her

eyes

got big, and her mouth fell open, and

she started

calling out to God and stuff like that. She

said it

was the biggest one she's ever seen; I

should tell

her about the ones down at the lake by

our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the

eel by

biting its head off. All of a sudden she

grabbed it

with both hands and held it tight while he

took a

muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it

over the

eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she

could get

a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying

on top

of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a

fight.

Sis started groaning and squealing and

her

boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess

they

wanted to kill the eel by squashing it

between

them.

After a while they both quit moving and

gave a

great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure

enough,

they killed the eel. I knew because it just

hung

there, limp, and some of its insides were

hanging

out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired

from the

battle, but they went back to courting

anyway. He

started hugging and kissing her again. By

golly,

the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up

and

started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats- they have nine

lives or

something. This time, Sis jumped up and

tried to

kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35

minute

struggle, they finally killed the eel. I

knew

it was

dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel

its skin

off and flush it down the toilet

The sky was dark

The moon was high

All alone

Just her and I

Her hair so soft

Her eyes so blue

I knew just what

She wanted to do

Her skin so soft

Her legs so fine

I ran my fingers

Down her spine

I didn't know how

But I tried my best

To place my hand

On her breasts

I remember my fear

My fast beating heart

But slowly she spread

Her legs apart

And when she did it

I felt no shame

All at once

The white stuff came

At last it's finished

It's all over now

My first time

Milking a cow!

When you were 8 years old, your mom handed you an ice cream. You thanked her by dripping it all over your lap.

When you were 9 years old, she paid for piano lessons. You thanked her by never even bothering to practice.

When you were 10 years old she drove you all day, from soccer to football to one birthday party after another. You thanked her by jumping out of the car and never looking back.

When you were 11 years old, she took you and your friends to the movies. You thanked her by asking to sit in a different row.

When you were 12 years old, she warned you not to watch certain TV shows. You thanked her by waiting until she left the house.

When you were 13, she suggested a haircut that was becoming. You thanked her by telling her she had no taste.

When you were 14, she paid for a month away at summer camp. You thanked her by forgetting to write a single letter.

When you were 15, she came home from work, looking for a hug. You thanked her by having your bedroom door locked.

When you were 16, she taught you how to drive her car. You thanked her by taking it every chance you could.

When you were 17, she was expecting an important call. You thanked her by being on the phone all night.

When you were 18, she cried at your high school graduation. You thanked her by staying out partying until dawn.

When you were 19, she paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus carried your bags. You thanked her by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your friends.

When you were 25, she helped to pay for your wedding, and she cried and told you how deeply she loved you. You thanked her by moving halfway across the country.

When you were 50, she fell ill and needed you to take care of her. You thanked her by reading about the burden parents become to their children.

And then, one day, she quietly died. And everything you never did came crashing down like

thunder on YOUR HEART..

Do love your mother and thank her with all your heart.

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through 20 minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom.

After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside.

He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. "Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left.

They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register.

His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK." He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out... just the sweater.

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."

The bartender says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman

sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his

courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively.

"Um, Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,

"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the

guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks

back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks

over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate

student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond

to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do

you mean $200?"

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend

so get yourself a dog."

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If

the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around

me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,

"We are in BIG trouble this time, dude... God is missing—and they think WE did it!"

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

Lady : Why do you like me? Why do you love me?

Man : I can't tell the reason, but I really like you..

Lady : You can't even tell me the reason... how can you say you like me? How can you say you love me?

Man : I really don't know the reason, but I can prove that I love you.

Lady : Proof now! I want you to tell me the reason. My friend's boyfriend can tell her why he loves her but not you!

Man : Ok! Ok!!! Erm... because you are beautiful, because your voice is sweet, because you are caring, because you are loving, because you are thoughtful, because of your smile, because of your every movement.

The lady felt very satisfied with the man's answer. Unfortunately, a few days later, the Lady met with an accident and had a comma. The Guy then placed a letter by her side, and here is the content:

Darling,

Because of your sweet voice that I love you...

Now can you talk? No! Therefore I cannot love you.

Because of your care and concern that I like you…

Now that you cannot show them, therefore I cannot love you.

Because of your smile

Because of your every movements

That I love you... Now can you smile? Now can you move?

No, therefore I cannot love you...

If love needs a reason, like now, there is no reason for me to love you anymore.

Does love need a reason?

One late autumn evening two boys, having collected a sackful of conkers, decided to share them out in a graveyard. On their way in one of the boys dropped the sack and two of the conkers rolled out. 'We'll get those later,' he said, and in they went to divide up the remainder. As they were counting them out a small girl happened to be crossing the graveyard, and to her horror she heard from behind a bush a voice say, 'One for you, one for me. One for you' one for me!' In terror she rushed to the gate and bumped into a policeman. 'What's the matter, little girl?' He asked, for she was obviously in great distress.

'Oh, Mr. Policeman!' she wailed, 'there's ghosts in the graveyard, and they're sharing out the dead bodies! Listen!' And as she held a trembling finger to her lips they heard a voice say, 'One for you, one for me. And we mustn't forget those two by the gate!'

A frog is lying on a lilypad in the middle of a pond. If he is six inches from the north edge, six inches from the south edge and four inches from the east and west edges, in whici direction will he jump to get out of the pond?

A donkey wanted to cross a stream in order to eat the lush grass in the meadow opposite. There was no bridge, no boat, and the donkey couldn't swim! So how did he cross?

What is found in air but is not oxygen, what is found in brains but isn't blood, what is needed by animals but can't be found in zoos?

1.A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".

2.A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered,

"Thou shall not kill."

3.One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several

strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,

"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

4.The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to

persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and

say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

5.A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to

make the matter clearer, she said, �"Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and

fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

This is a love letter from a boy to a girl....

However, the girl's father does not like him and want them to stop the relationship......

So the boy wrote this letter to the little girl.

1 "The great love that I have for you

2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you

3 grows every day. When I see you,

4 I do not even like your face;

5 the one thing that I want to do is to

6 look at other girls. I never wanted to

7 marry you. Our last conversation

8 was very boring and has not

9 made me look forward to seeing you again.

10 You think only of yourself

11 If we were married, I know that I would find

12 life very difficult, and I would have no

13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart

14 to give, but it is not something that

15 I want to give to you. No one is more

16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not

17 able to care for me and help

18 I sincerely want you to understand that

19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor

20 if you think this the end. Do not try

21 to answer this. Your letters are full of

22 things that do not interest me. You have no

23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,

24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that

25 I am still your boyfriend."

Sad isn’t it? However, he told her to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES", meaning - only to read the odd numbered lines!

Please read it again.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or

family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first

time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

This guy was lonely, and decided life would be

more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet

store and told the owner he wanted to buy an

unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally

bought a centipede, which came in a little white

box to use for his house. He took the box back

home, found a good location for the box, and

decided he would start off by taking his new pet to

the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, Would you

like to go to Frank`s with me for a beer? But there

was no answer from his new pet. This bothered

him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then

asked him again, How about going to the bar and

having a drink with me?

But again there was no answer from his new friend

and pet. So he waited a few more minutes,

thinking about the situation and he decided to ask

him one more time! This time, putting his face up

against the centipede`s little house he shouted,

HEY, IN THERE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO

FRANK`S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH

ME?

A little voice came out of the box, "I HEARD YOU

THE FIRST TIME! I`M PUTTING ON MY SHOES!"