insomniac

on a date from a guy I met off off of a dating website.

and it's like my first date date. dinner date.. gulp

-I've been on cute little dates before, but this seems so official.

He lives in the next town over and he's coming to my town. he doesn't know whats around so I said I'll figure out a place. (stupid on my part cause now I have to think of a place)

any pointers.

I'm 20 and not an experienced dater. but I'm not stupid... so I know stranger danger rules apply. Haha Like I'll tell my friends so if by some crazy chance he kidnaps me people will look for me. I'll be safe.

I'm going on a date with this guy I hardly know. We've talked on aim for a bit and he is funny nerdy bla bla bla my type.

But I just have this feeling that he is just saying things I want to hear. How do I make sure I'm not going to be played?

different parts of my identity have been killed

by me and others. and I guess the natural maturing from teenager to adult. I'm just turning 20 soon.

so many terrible things have happened in my life that have changed me into a confused frighten mess. and it feels unnatural to be what used to be natural.

I'm trying to be the girl that wasn't raped, who's grandpa didn't die a lonely death, who's never been depressed, who's never gone crazy, who didn't hurt her self to feel connected to her self, who didn't have panic attacks, who believed in god, who was not a flake.

and with all these things I feel pathetic for my state because there are so many people who have it worse.

I feel like I'm this stranger living in my head. I've had so many mental changes that I'm lost in what I'm supposed to be.

I don't know me.

my cheery love the world love people self has been changed, the part of me that could show affection and trust and the joy of being with others feels fake. I'm left with this colder person. I'm sorry for my friends that haven't seen me for a while because I'll have to introduce them to the new me.

well I've known this one person for a year

I'm 20 and I also know that it should be in a public area and my friends should know where I am and to have my cell. and not to let them lead me away from others.

I'm also not sure what to suggest for the first meeting, because it's been a year I feel like we should do something awesome not just chat in a coffee shop.

I am kind of intimidated by how much we know of each other, and we are in different parts of our lives. I used to have a little internet crush on him but it has died because of age difference and his style of life is different. But being friends is something we both agree on.

The reason I've never met him was because he never asked me, but I'm asking him soon. Another reason for not meeting before was that the 4 year age difference put him on red alert. but he's never done anything to creep me out or make me feel uncomfortable.

thank you for your time and consideration

It's becoming more clear to me than ever that I might be a bit of a sadist.

I'm fine with it but I just think that society would shun me, and I'm not even sure of the kind of people who do that.

the stereotypes i believe in are not something i want to be. but it's tempting to try. not into dressing in black leather and such. and I'm not promiscuous, I haven't even lost my virginity.

what i mean by sadist is that i enjoy other peoples pain, I like the whole idea of people controlling pain and using it in other ways like in a sexual way or more of a spiritual way for the meditation like properties. or people who just like to give up control.

being a dominatrix sounds fascinating.

I would not like some one to hurt me in anyway though. maybe bondage, but if the plan is to make me cry or bleed I would have to say no.

I feel like a freak, I like looking at body mods like suspensions( people haning by hooks for show or meditation or what ever) and this kind of freaks people out.

I'm writing too much.

but what should I do with these feelings and curiosity when I feel too shy to try it.

and I don't like the guys who do like me...

ugh silly question. but it just happened again. :-/

well the point is not to care i guess but I have a problem of being connected to my culture.

I wish we weren't told as women to be unnatural, why is hair bad?

I like silky legs, but all this money to something not important.

Also I haven't shaved for a while and it turns out my legs aren't disgusting.

I'm having a hard time with the underarms, still have this fear that i will be mocked for not having smooth underarms. this is an obscure fear when you think about it.

well it's going to happen, I might shave if i get bored and want to mix things up, like when i get a hair cut. but it will be for me.

I had it for a month, went to the doctors took this week's worth of antibiotics. I got better, I couldn't live with out taking NyQuil or NyQuil. now i just have shortness of breath and if i laugh i get a coughing fit. and I can be good if i just cough up everything real big in the morning. this is icky, but it's just flem and i get a sore throat from coughing sometimes.

I know I should go to the doctors but it's not bugging me enough to go there again.

I'm trying to move the friend ship to relationship.

I feel like a chicken any tips?

i don't like sleeping. I've had episodes on and off for years.

I'm 19 now.

they are too much at times, last night i was rapped in two different dreams. I was once in real life so having a dream about it really freaks me out.

I also have sleep paralysis off and on.

we kinda randomly started talking off of myspace a year ago.

haven't met him in person, I'm working on that now. like a phone call away.

anytips?

I feel like a looser for falling for a guy i never met in person.

i know he's real.

my silly plan is to meet him in person and flirt and have him head over heals for me.

we never talked about meeting. so I'm kinda scared that he doesn't ever want to meet me. he's 4 years older than me but we are both in our 20's.

so i like this guy i talked to off the internet.

he's 24 I'm 20

we've been talking for a long time on the web never met in person. He talked to me off of myspace. I've liked having this person to talk to when i was down. anyway i am totally smitten about him. he's a real person. It's been a year talking to him online. he's never tried to push me out of my comfort zone. i don't know why we haven't met in person. I think it was mostly me afraid of stranger danger. so I've made the idea of us ever meeting a non reality.

but i can't get this guy out of my head. and i want to meet him in person.

all my friends say to for get him, because how we know eachother is kinda weird and they think he is a creeper. I've never got that vibe off of him.

what should i do?

I think I'm worth what i want.

not that I'm conceded i just know what i want, and i know that I've gotten the kind of guys I've liked in the past.

it's just these days i feel like I'm aiming too high. There's no one i want.

i think it's cause I'm still wanting the last guy but i can't have him. every one compared to him seems like a down grade.

I know this is all in my head but i can't stop my thinking or feelings.

what should I do?

I've liked this guy for while,

it's not going to happen with us, two different lifes and all and he lives away from me.

but i have a huge crush on him. it's so bad. and i can't stop.

it's got to the point where he defines what i like. I try to find guys that are like him. he's into music, creative, cute, and a little crazy.

all i want is him and no guy is ever going to be what i've built him up to be in my mind.

and then i try to go out and meet new people, but they are just not him.

how do i knock this off?

I've liked this guy for while,

it's not going to happen with us, two different lifes and all and he lives away from me.

but i have a huge crush on him. it's so bad. and i can't stop.

it's got to the point where he defines what i like. I try to find guys that are like him. he's into music, creative, cute, and a little crazy.

all i want is him and no guy is ever going to be what i've built him up to be in my mind.

and then i try to go out and meet new people, but they are just not him.

how do i knock this off?

getting a cabin up in the snow with 8 friends, some are taking acid.

I've done it were i could freely walk around in nature for a part of the day. I don't know this place and was wondering what else to do with my time.

I'm thinking art supplies and music. bubbles, glow sticks.

any one else have ideas?

when i can't take it anymore i like to punch the wall. or my hips. I cut myself once but it's not the same release as doing something as brute as a punch. I also like doing risky things so i can get scraped up.

I also stretch my ears, it's pain but i like it. and i like plugs.

I feel like i do this when i can't take the world any more. i just get so angry/sad that i have to do something. I can't scream because people will hear me. bruising your self doesn't cause attention. and after i feel better because the pressure is gone. i don't know why it does that.

it also makes me feel like i am a live and human. like the pain connects me to my body. i feel real.

sometimes i feel like worthlessness consumes me, and I'm stuck in this pit of sadness and pain.

and other times i don't think it's real and i'm normal. it's just my mind playing trick on me. or i am lashing out like this for attention. how i am at those times isn't real, or it's all a game.

and then i come off as this really happy person, full of hope and love. this is feeling fake too.

it's like i have two sides of me acting and a third trying to understand.

I'm on medication right now but i feel like it's made it worse. and i hate it.

anyone feel like this some times?

more like crush cause i never met him, it's been an infatuation that consumes me. I don't think it's love till you can get that rush from their eyes.

He said every thing a girl wants to hear, and did nothing to send me running to the hills. (he was cute and played the guitar, and shared loving a random pet and a humor)

it was 2 years ago he first said hi, and I being bored said hi in return.

we talked and played lightly at first but soon we were calling each other a good friend.

little secrets we told the other, free with our internet ambiguity.

I grew to trust this stranger.

then his father died within a year and he was distant and with drew him self from friends. I know this cause when i check to see how he was doing his friends asked him where he been, and if he is ok.

with a month of not talking and not sharing little joys i forgot about him and said it was fun while it lasted.

first month of college i get a little beep as my aim told me there was someone who wishes to speak.

I looked at the name and who it was was a person from 3 months ago.

he was nice and as sweet as ever.

we began to catch up and be came frequent talkers.

He in love with music and shared many albums with me, so much time was spent downloading .

along with the music he he sent pictures he took and made and told me about his friends.

needless to say i was having a blast. my love life in the flesh was not standing up to his attention to me.

he talked about girl friends and I said i hate men. we bonded and told each other our pains. and why we think we are dead inside.

it's been two months and the play is not the same. I mostly say hi, and he runs and hides.

I'm so sad that my friend is lost once more.

I don't know what to do.

I feel kinda used, he can just leave me and come and go. while I'm here missing our chats.

btw he is 4 years older and we live different life. but ... i can't deny that i want him some how in my life.