Marie

I've been seeing my boyfriend for over a year now. I am 19 and he is 13 years my senior. A year ago I adored him, I couldn't get enough of him, but for certain reasons we kept our relationship secret until recently.

Basically, what happened was over the summer I had a job whilst being back home from Uni. Not many people knew I had a boyfriend here as we were still on the 'down low'. And soon enough there was this guy who started flirting with me, and I must have flirted back without realising because one night, after a shift we walked back to his car and I swear, when we hugged, he tried to kiss me. Naturally I backed off and said 'see ya next week!'. I know I should have told him then that I had a boyfriend, but my boyfriend was still strict on who I could tell. After a couple more weeks, this guy from work then gave me a present in front of other people, and I didn't know what to do! I just tried to avoid him until I had to go back to university. Though the trouble was, I was starting to like the attention.

During this time however, I started to feel not as in love with my boyfriend as I had been, he was starting to annoy me with his constant questions of whether I loved him and putting himself down. I found myself wanting to go back to Uni to just get away from him.

After a few weeks of being back at Uni, I had begun talking to this guy from work on facebook, just general chats about day-to-day life. And then I found myself talking to him more than my boyfriend. Missing him more and actually imagining life with him instead of my boyfriend. But I knew this couldn't go on and I eventually told him I had a boyfriend and he even told me how much he liked me and he always wanted more than friendship but he didn't know he could trust me again after how much I'd hurt him and didn't want to talk anymore. I broke up with my boyfriend a few days after, and stupidly proceeded to tell the other guy this, who I then started talking to again.

However, my boyfriend called me and near enough begged me to get back with him, I felt so guilty, I felt I had to. But first I wanted a 'break' where I didn't talk to either guys so I could figure out how I felt. I went with my boyfriend, because I knew how much he loves me and I felt I could imagine I would be happier with him than with the other and also because I didn't want to just give up on a year long relationship for potentially nothing. However, now I'm back with him all I can think about is the other guy again!! When I'm with him I just want to get away from him... he is asking me more than ever if I still love him, if I'm happy, if I still want to be with him and it's putting me off even more. When he texts me, I shout at my phone for him to leave me alone! I haven't spoken properly to the other guy in a while because I'm trying to get over him so I can concentrate on my boyfriend, but I can't handle it anymore.

And now this has happened, he suddenly wants to go 'public' on facebook, and post pictures of us for everyone to see. I know I wanted this a year ago, but after a whole year of trying to hide the fact we're together, I'm not ready for it anymore! I don't want to break up with him and I don't want to break his heart.

It's like, recently I've realised, being 19 I have so much to live for, and him being 32, he's ready to settle down and everything. I thought I would be too once I'd finished University, but now I want to live properly and experience things I can't do whilst I'm with him. It's messing with my head. He tells me every day that I am the best thing that's ever happened to him, I am the best girlfriend he's ever been with. I don't want to destroy him, but I just don't think I feel the same anymore. Do I stay with him and forget about how I am feeling now and try and work on my relationship?