angeleyes

Considering he has a violent history, he pre-meditated attacking Amy Barnes and kept her prisoner in their home, he is 22yrs of age and he could be released in his 40s. Surely a life sentence, especially in this case, should mean life.

I cant buy it anywhere now! Roast beef is not the same without it! They seemed to have stopped selling it in all the shops and am wondering where its gone

?'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper

> > down. A lady cashier

> >

> > walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is

> > open.' Not a phrase

> >

> > that men normally use, he went on his way looking a

> > bit puzzled. When

> >

> > he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,

> > 'Your fly is

> >

> > open.' He zipped up and finished his shopping. At

> > the checkout, he

> >

> > in tentionally got in the line where the lady was

> > that told him about

> >

> > his 'barracks door.' He was planning to have a

> > little fun with her, so

> >

> > when he reached the counter he said, 'When you saw

> > my barracks door

> >

> > open, did you see a Marine standing in there at

> > attention?'

> >

> > The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought

> > for a moment and

> >

> > said 'No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled

> > veteran sitting on a

> >

> > couple of old duffel bags.'

>

I hope none of you have been too adversely affected by the 'credit crunch' .

I don’t want to spread rumours, but following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock Building Society in the UK ,

uncertainty has now hit Japan .

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut

some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in

Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on

at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and

Heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun

Suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

'Oh look' says the first nun, 'it's a soap dispenser'. To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then

Yells...

'Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!'

A little boy walks into his parents' room

> to see his mum on top of his dad

> bouncing up and down. the mom

> sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried

> about what her son has seen. She dresses

> quickly and goes to find him.

>

> The son sees his mum and asks,

> "What were you and Dad doing?"

>

> The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad

> has a big tummy and sometimes

> I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

>

> "Your wasting your time," said the boy.

>

> "Why is that?" the mum asked puzzled.

>

> "Well when you go shopping the lady next

> door comes over and gets on her

> knees and blows it right back up."

>

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting

about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night

all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and a mask

over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: "the other night, when my boyfriend came back

home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He

saw me he said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we

made love all night long

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office

and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes

and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say

anything.....but we had wild sex all night

The married one: "the other night I sent the kids to stay at my

mothersfor the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super

stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work,

opens the door and says:

I have just been contacted by an old school friend from Friends Reunited ( actually he was my first boyfriend, when we were 14yrs old) which was a long time ago! and not only had both our memberships run out at the same time on that day, so we were both renewing, he saw my name on ex pupils list at the same time

as I saw his! He sent me a message and asked me if I had forgotten him (which I hadnt) and then told me that he now owns a Holden car dealership in Australia and guess what that turns out to be my surname now, which he didnt know!!!! Do you think this is a huge coincidence or was it meant to happen???? We havent seen or heard from each other since 1971!!!!

BARNSLEY EARTHQUAKE APPEAL > > A major earthquake measuring 5.2 on the Richter Scale hit in the early > hours of Wednesday, 27th February 2008. > Epicentre - Barnsley , England . > > News of the disaster was swiftly carried by 85,000 racing pigeons. Victims > were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering, "bloomin'eck" and > "chooffinnora". The earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately > £30 worth of damage. > > Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearics and Spanish > Costas were damaged beyond repair. > > Three areas of historic burnt-out cars were disturbed and many locals were > woken well before their giro arrived. Radio Barnsley reported that > hundreds > of residents were confused and bewildered by the fact that something > interesting had happened in the town. > > One resident - Tracey-Sharon Braithwaite, a 15 year old mother of three > said, "It was such a shock; my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into > my bedroom crying,

To all in my address book My thanks go to all those who have sent me emails this past year........?

I send thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. I also have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I now have no money at all, but that will all change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split £7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

New Chinese Proverbs

Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run in back of car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches *** should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.

"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine".

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

I couldn't believe it when I heard the news. Arthur Hokey, the man who wrote the world-famous "Hokey Cokey" died

peacefully in his sleep last night. The funeral was this morning, and it lasted for over 3 hours. It took so long because they put his right foot in, then they took his right foot out, they put his left foot in, they took his left foot out....

A lady walked into a pharmacy & spoke to the pharmacist. She asked: "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," He answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked

"I can if I take two," he answered.

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the boots the Irish guy is wearing.

She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being fanny or nuffink, but why doz one of your boots 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it"

So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot"

"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them

A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree, staring back at him. He tried unsuccessfully to get the gorilla to leave, so he called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with: a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun.

“Now listen carefully,” the serviceman told the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for the privates of the animal, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs!”

“Got it.” the homeowner replied. “But what’s the shotgun for?”

“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” said the serviceman, “shoot the Chihuahua.”

A man visits his doctor complaining of uncontrollable flatulence. The doctor tells him to undress, then leaves the room. Moments later he returns carrying a long pole with a hook on the end.

"My God!" says the man, in terror. "What are you going to do with that?"

"I'm going to open a window," cracks the doctor. "It stinks in here."

Into a belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.

"What happend to you? asks Sean the bartender.

"Jamie O Conner and me had a fight." says Paddy.

"That little sh*t, O Conner " says Sean "He couldnt do that to you, he must of had something in his hand."

"That he did. says Paddy ''a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licken he gave me with it"

"Well'' says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didnt you have something in your hand?"

''That I did'' said Paddy..."Mrs. O Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?’”