paddlepop

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud

pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken

stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a

chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the

door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 o' clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about

three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think

you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding

rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still

there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

> Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day

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> No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

> and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

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> But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his

> Head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

> medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't

> be the last.... And you're single. Just let it go."

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> But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to

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> .........you're a vet Dave

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

One more. !

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast ?"

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit

the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few

years, they are in financial trouble. In order to

keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need

to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town

so that they can breed their own stock.. They only

have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her

sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the

bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and

haul it home."The brunette arrives at the stockyard,

inspects the bull, and Decides she wants to buy

it.The man tells her that he will sell it for $599,

no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest

town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the

news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says,

"I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her

that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to

hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out

here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator

explains that he'll be glad to help her,Then adds,

"It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for

the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.She realizes

that she'll only be able to send her sister one

word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and

says, "I want you To send her the word

"comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is

she ever going to know that you want her to hitch

the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here

to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her

just the word "comfortable?" The brunette explains,

"My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it

very slowly ... com-for-da-bul.

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After a hard rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of the water holes. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother was running toward them in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she said, as she shook the older boy's shoulders in anger, combined with relief.

"We were just playing church mommy," he said. "And I was just baptizing him. You know, 'In the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole he goes.'"

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a Friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?' 'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.' So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a Male or female horse.

'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once Over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point,

But he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his Arms and sticks the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's u know what

Pulls him out and plops him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should rephrase that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her

students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem ?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd

grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade

too !"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the

principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would

give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to

go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he

agreed to take the test.

Principal : "What is 3 x 3 ?"

Harry : "9."

Principal : "What is6 x 6 ?"

Harry : "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader

should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to

the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal," Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !

Harry replied : "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into ?"

Harry : "Pants."

Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,

delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?"

Harry :" Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks :" What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the

answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks : "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down

and a dog does on three legs ?"

Harry : "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks : "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a

lot of heat and excitement ?"

Harry : "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher," Put Harry

in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....."

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand.With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.Keeping my ears carefully tuned to

> >the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the please of

one Senora Rodriguez that her husband be released from the state

penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor

gently.

"For stealing a loaf of bread," replied the offender's wife,

nervously fingering her mantilla.

"Is he a good husband?"

"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he

gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really

not much good at all."

"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said

the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"

"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license.The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?'Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

Does anybody know the little nursary rhyme the little girl is saying in the new aussie ad 4 macdonalds? it goes like this.....

.There was a little monkey who ran around the country he tripped .......???????????????????????????????????

Please help my kids are driving me nuts with "what they think is right"

thankyou in advance

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. "

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w j*b?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch

in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clean clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!