Jay A

she's not getting paid for it - it's not voluntary work either for charities n stuff. and it's a bank holiday.

taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! :)

why is water wet and why is the sky blue??

football team do you support & why. PS: who do you hate more; Red Scose or Manyoo?

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says,

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs and get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed, and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?'... and she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

come round to mikeys for a tear-up? and what will you bring to the tear up? :)

for 10 mins?

Me (Jay)

Stephen

Mikey

Kirsty

and give a reason!

Father Patrick was talking to his replacement in a small village church.

“Father Michael,” he says, “You’ll be looking after my flock from now on.”

“But where do I start?” The young priest replies. “You’ve been hearing confessions for over 50 years, I’ll be lost.”

“Don’t worry,” says Father Patrick, “I’ve written a list of sins and absolutions on the wall in the confessional box. Look up the sin and it will tell you next to it what to say. After a while you’ll get to know the congregation and you’ll be okay.”

One week later, Father Michael is sitting in the confessional box looking at his mentor’s list when his first visitor arrives.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned,” says a female voice. “I had to give my husband a gobble last night.”

The priest searches the wall but can’t find the correct reply anywhere. In desperation he pulls open the curtain of the box and stops a choirboy.

Little 10-year-old Freddie goes for a long weekend with his uncle, a wealthy Hampshire farm owner.

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out, ‘Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is f*@$ing the cow!’

Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside, and explains that a certain amount of decorum is required. ‘You should have said, “The bull is surprising the cow – not some filth picked up in the playground!" he says.

A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his aunt and uncle are entertaining. ‘Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!’

The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you, Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not cows. A bull cannot “surprise” more than one cow at a time, you know . . . .

"Yes, he can!" replies his obstinate nephew. "He’s f*@$ing the horse!"

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn bank account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn bank account, NOW!!!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So without saying anything, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn bank account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager excitedly, "andv is this b!tch giving you a hard time?"

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a br0thel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen darling, I ain't horny. I'm just homesick"

The priest and the rabbi were on a plane flying across the ocean when the plane developed engine trouble; everyone was doomed.

The priest turned to the rabbi and said, "Before I die there's something that I would like to know. You being Jewish 'n' all . . . have you ever tasted ham?"

"Well," the rabbi laughed, "Sure I''ve tasted ham. But tell me father, before we die, could you tell me if you have ever made love to a woman?"

Taking their current predicament into account, the priest blushed and said, "Ok, there was this one time I gave in and made love to a woman."

The rabbi looked at the priest and said, "It sure beats the hell out of ham, don't it?"

Two guys were in a locker room taking a shower after a game of squash when one noticed that the other had a huge cork stuck up his backside!

"That looks really uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I can't. It's stuck there permanently."

"How in the hell did it happen?"

"Well, I was walking along the beach, and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and a genie appeared and said he could grant me a wish. Unfortunately my immediate reaction was 'No s*!t!'"

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their s_e_x_life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "Woman."

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."

"Crikey! That sounds fantastic!" Said Adam "What will this woman cost?"

"An arm and a leg." Replied God

Adam thought about this long & hard before replying "What can I get for just a rib?"