josey

anyone know if this would power a 12v car battery to run garden lights for a few hours per night? its a poly solar panel 10W 12V high efficiency- monocrystalline pv panel- solar module...i want to run some LED garden lights...nothing to fancy....just a few here and there...i heard that LED's dont use much power.....i was thinking of getting 2 of these panels to charge one battery.....i dont know much at all so any help as long as its not rocket science is very much appreciated

theres this guy and he has been doing circumcisions for the past 30 years. and he has kept the skins as a souviner, so he has a couple of thousand of them. he decides he will pack it in and retire, but he wonders what he will do with his souviners. he goes to a guy that makes leather hand bags, and tells him what he has been doing for the past 30 years, and that he wants him to make something out of them so that it will remind him of his important job and great skill. he is told to come back in 2 weeks. when he arives back at the shop the leather tanner hands him a wallet....the gut looks at it and says," i have collected skins for 30 years and all you made from the big pile i gave you is a small wallet ", and the leather tanner says, "eh, when you rub it, it turns into a suite case"

this little duck walks into a pub, and the barman looks down at him and asks, 'can i help you'. and the duck says 'do you have any bread'. the barman says 'no' so the duck walks outside. 5 mins later he walks in and asks the barman for some bread, the barman says 'we dont serve bread, you need the bread shop down the road'. so the duck walks back out. 5 mins later he comes back in and asks for some bread. the barman loses it and says "listen here buddy, we serve BEER here, not BREAD, we serve BEER, get it?.....now if you come back in here lookin for bread, im gonna get my hammer and nails and then im gonna nail your feet to the floor, no get out and dont ever come back". so the little duck bows his head and walks outside with tears streaming down his face....5 mins later he walks back in and the barman says "remember what i said", the duck says "do you have any nails"?, "no" says the barman, "do you have a hammer"? "eh, no" says the barman, ok then, says the duck do you have any bread

say this out loud when you have had a few beers!

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else...

I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

i was at the circus with my children last week and it was quite boring except for the magician. he came on when they where changing things around in the ring. we had front seats and the magician asked could he borrow a watch. he picked me as i was right in front of him. i was a bit enbarrassed standing up in front of all those people, but even more so when he asked for my watch, which i refused because it was my dad left it to me when he died. he wouldnt take no for an answer and said the watch would be perfectly safe, so i gave in. he put the watch in a brown paper bag and layed it on the table in front of him. he then took a mallet and raised it above his head. just then a girl came around with a tray hanging from her neck with bags of doughnuts on it. she stood right in front of me and i heard, bang, bang, and this girl would not go away until i bought some doughnuts. when she was gone he took the bag and shook it. then he emptyed it onto the table, but i didnt see anything fall out

A man rode out of town on sunday, he stayed a whole night at a hotel and rode back to town the next day on sunday, how is this possible??

the Army have decided to get rid of some Generals, cos there are far too many of them. how are we gona do this they ask. we will give them a million dollors for every inch of body length from any 2 points they desire, they said. the word went out and they got 3 replys. the doc called the first General in. where do you want me to measure sir, "from the top of my outstreched hand to the tips of my toes" he says. 96,000,000 for you says the dock. send the next man in. where do you want me to measure sir, "from the top of my outstreached hand to the tips of my toes son" said the General. 98,000,000 for you says the doc, please send in the last man. in walks the smallest general they had ever seen. "this should save us millions, just look at the size of him, he is tiny. "where will i measure from sir" says the doc. from the top of my head to the tip of my b*lls son". the doc took the tape and began to measure, sir i dont see your b*lls, where are your b*lls? "in Vietnam son, in vietnam"

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.

AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk

cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.

AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the

doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit

AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.

AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then

they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going to PRISON!!!

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts

the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and

place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for

one minute. "Then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit

unscathed. In return for witnessing this

spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.".

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his

Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator

closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man

grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its

head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals

unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100

who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in

the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up ...........

"I'll try It! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle.

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three gals in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles...

The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is mole-asses!"

2 brothers are fast asleep when the mom stomps into thier room and screams "BREAKFAST' this wakes the 2 boys up with a start. the mom says 'get up and be in the kitchen for breakfast in 5 mins, i dont have all day'. the 2 boys are understandably irratated by being woken up like that.the oldest brother says 'we need to stand up for ourselves'. 'what do you mean?' says the youngest.'i mean i think its time we started cursing like the grownups do, then they will know we mean business'. the little brother starts to giggle with his hand over his mouth. 'ok he says, but you go first'. they head down to breakfast, and the mom says 'what do you want to eat' the eldest says, 'gimme a bowl of fcukin cornflakes'. the mom loses it and hits him across the face with her hand and says, 'dont you ever talk to me like that again ya hear' then she grabs the little lad, pulls him close and says 'and what do you want', the little guy says, 'well i certainly dont want a bowl of fcukin cornflakes'

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"

"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.

The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."

The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.

"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."

The man is appalled. "Doc...Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"

"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!"

Football FINALLY makes sense....... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. they had great seats behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

superman is crazy about wonder woman, so when he is flying over the city one day he spots wonder woman lying naked on the roof of a sky scraper.

superman thinks to himself that with his amazing powers he could zoom down and shag her and be gone before she even reliases whats happening. he cant control himself as he watches her lying there so he zooms down and goes like a train and then woosh, he is gone.

wonder woman sits up and says 'what was that breeze i felt on my body'.

i dont know says the invisible man, but my *** is f*****g killing me!!

There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.

She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.

She asked Dr. Chang, "Doctor, please help me find out what's wrong with me!"

So Dr. Chang said, "Take off all yu cwothes." So she did. Then he said, "Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me." So the young lady did.

Dr. Chang looked at her said, "I know what wong with yu... Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!"

The lady asked, "What the heck is that?!"

Dr. Chang replied, "Dat's wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt"!

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to raise their hands if they knew the correct sounds.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Billy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose little Tyrone at the back of the class.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-f*cka!"