ms01

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

i need a rhyme to put on a sign ASAP age is 30

i need a rhyme for turning 30 that i can put on a sign in public.

my daughter and her boyfriend have been datin for three days what should i do about them wanting to hold hands and kiss. shes only 14. whats to fast for kids to be moving. and should i here her tell him that she loves him already?

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband: "Nothing."

Wife: "Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for

an hour."

Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

Wife: "Do you want dinner?"

Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"

Wife: "Yes and no."

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"

Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at

your picture and the problem disappears."

Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"

Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can

there be greater than this one?"

Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your

worries, troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or

troubles."

Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my

father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!!"

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face

or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of

humor."

Clinton and the Beer Cans

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, "There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in it until I die."

Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.

When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, "Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you."

Hillary said, "Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all."

She was about to leave, but then she said, "Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?"

Bill replied, "That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in."

THE TRUTH.

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We all have been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here is a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

IF: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K calculates to: 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11= 98%

and,

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E calculates to: 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5= 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E calculates to: 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5= 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-*-*-* calculates to: 21+12+12+19+8+9+20= 103%

AND, look how far a** kissing will take you:

A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+14+7= 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, bulls*** and a** kissing will put you over the top!

This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death. However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground. Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real ------- when you're drunk!"

Funny Food

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu.

Broiled Missionary: $10.00

Fried Explorer: $15.00

Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,

"Why such a price difference for the politician?"

"Have you ever tried to clean one?"

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

1. write down the number of the month you were born

2. multiply it by 4

3. add 13

4. myltiply the result by 25

5. subtract 200

6. add the day of the month on which you were born

7. multiply by 2

8. subtract 40

9. multiply the result by 50

10. add the last two digits of the year of your birth.

11. Finally subtract 10,500

whats your answer.

There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking down the street.

A short man came up to them and said: in that castle there is a magic mirror, if u look into the mirror and tell the truth you will be granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be banished into the mirror forever

The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in first shhe said:

I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the brunette, she got a pot of silver.

Next the brunette went in she said:

I think I am the smartest out of the red-head and the blond, she got a new car.

The blond went in to try her luck she walked up to the mirror and said:

I think...

She was vanished into the mirror forever.

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down

and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch

private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around."

she told the doctor that everywhere she touched hurt her.

the doctor said show me.

so the brunette touched her arm and said ouch then her leg and the same ouch.

then the doctored asked her if she was a true brunette

and the girl said no. i am a real blonde i just dyed my hair recently.

and the doctor said thats what i thought .

the doctor said the only thing wrong is your finger is broken.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS....2007

It doesn't matter if your married, in a relationship,single! You opened it so you HAVE to repost it!

A test of your bravery.

Here's how it works:

Statistically speaking, unless you are a total hermit, social retard (what a horrible word) , or ugly as a bag of spoiled ***...

There's at least 1 person on your 360 that wants to date you or sleep with you. So..... lets play "friends w/ benefits"

The rules are simple...

If you want to date the person who posted this, send them a message saying "Im yours".

If you just want to sleep with them and stay friends, send them a message that says "I'd hit it".

If you have no interest in the person at all send them a message that states "no comment"....

SCARED? LOL

THE TWIST IS YOU HAVE TO REPOST THIS, EVEN IF YOU'RE TAKEN

& see who replies. There is at least 1 person on your 360 that wants to date you, and maybe more that want to sleep with you.

SO... re-post this as "friend

Subject: ASKING TOO MUCH

>

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > A biker was riding along the California coastline when suddenly the

> sky

> > clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

> "Because

> > you

> > have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

> >

> >

> >

> > The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so Ican

> ride

> > over

> > anytime I want."

> >

> >

> >

> > The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous

> > challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to

> reach

> > the

> > bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will

> > nearly

> > exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for

> me to

> > justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and

> think

> > of

> > something non-materialistic that would honor and glorify me. "

> >

> >

> >

> > The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,

> I wish

> > that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels

> inside, what

> > she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she

> cries, what

> > she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman

> truly

> > happy."

> >

> >

> >

> > The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

> >

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his

> head out the window to check.

> As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand.

> He looked up to see where it came from just in time to notice a young woman

> looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked.

> She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

> On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink.

> Because she was very attractive, he agreed.

> Shortly afterward she said, "I'm about to have dinner--there's plenty. Would you

> like to join me?"

> He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.

> As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous

> evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

> The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

> "No," she replied. "Only those who catch my eye

A married man was cheating on his wife with the secretary.

> One afternoon, the cheating couple snuck away from work and went to a local motel. They fell asleep and didn’t wake up until 8:00pm.

> Alarmed at the time, the two hurriedly got dressed and rushed to their respective homes. But before he went inside, the man stopped in his front yard and rubbed in shoes in the grass and mud.

> “Where have you been!” demanded his wife he entered the house.

> Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.

> Through tears, the wife looked down at his shoes and said, “you liar! You’re been playing golf.

Male stripper

The other day, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again. My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? Then the marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ***, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home. .