christopher h

I've been married for 11 years and we have three kids together. I'm in the military and I just received orders to move to a different state, somewhere I always wanted to go and its close to home/family. My wife has never liked my home state (Washington) and always complains when we would go visit. It actually makes me feel down because I have many good memories (fishing, camping, hiking, family holidays, etc.) that I wanted my kids to experience. For several years we have lived so far away (outside the country) that our kids don't even refer to my parents as "grandma/grandpa" but as "your parents" because they don't know them that well. Anyways, I got lucky with a choice assignment close to home and now my wife is unhappy.

She complains all the time, calls me names like white trash or red neck which I find is degrading and hurtful. I told her I thought about retiring there but that made her really upset. She has her heart set on San Diego or California. She likes that "Hills" show and wants to live out near LA. I don't have any problem going to visit California but to live my life there? No way! Its just not me and I could never see me being comfortable or happy there.

So, viewing the above situation; do you think it would be ok to divorce if you were unhappy?

Thank you for your time/comments!

I'm married for 11 years and we have three kids. Marriage has been up and down for many years now and I don't feel like I once did for her. I felt like I tried, going to marriage counseling and trying to spice up things but we seem to fall in a rut. For a while now, I've been thinking about moving back to my home state and reconnect with family ties. With my job taking me away my family hasn't been around my wife/kids. My wife is controlling and has OCD issues and makes it difficult for anyone to visit. Although I still have love for her I don't believe I'm in love anymore. Sometimes the horrible stuff you say to each other, sorry isn't enough anymore. Anyways, before you divorced, what was your relationship like? In my case its kind of numb, where we kind of ignore each other and don't talk or we don't discuss big issues. I feel like I'm already a single parent and she's just a roommate. Is this normal?

I've been married to my wife for 11 years, we've been together for nearly 12 years. We have three kids together and I have a steady job and she's a homemaker. We have no bills, own a car that's paid off and taken trips together, saved money etc. In short we have a provided life. Well speaking for myself, I'm not happy. We rarely have sex, intimacy, or passion. For a few years now, If I'm lucky sex is maybe once a month (a unique trick considering we have three kids). Over the years we have fought and fought, argued and disagreed. We both have our faults and have hurt each other over the years with terse words that at times still continue to hurt. I think my wife is very controlling, OCD type on how clean she wants the house, and an anger problem. This past weekend, she got upset with me because I spilled ketchup or something. As I went to clean it up an argument ensued and she began calling me names like stupid and a word that rhymes with witch. I had made peace with her that day to prevent our weekend from being ruined.

On Monday we resumed an argument about a car mechanic part problem that we continued to have. We both got upset with each other and instead of the issue being solved it just was exasperated as both tone and demeanor became more aggressive. I understand her anger because I had procrastinated on fixing our second car and I did say something hurtful about her being cheap and not wanting to get rid of the vehicle which is over 15 years past its prime and becoming a money pit. But she elevated the argument to the tenth degree but calling me names in a vulgar language and just screaming. I kept trying to remind her of our promise not to use bad language but it was no use. Her anger, tone of voice, and pitch had worn me down and I reverted back to my shell of just ignoring her (but having mental thoughts about how unhappy I was and I wanted to be alone again). At the end of the night our usual routine was to ignore each other and sleep alone (a usual trend in my marriage).

When I woke up the next morning, I had new resolve to end the marriage. I was done. I went to work a mess and after talking to some coworkers and my boss, they both recommended I split the finances from our joint savings to another account. We had agreed before that if we were to ever split, we would divide our assets 50/50 but I had wanted to protect myself unlike my friends, one of whom just recently had his ex wife take about $90K from their savings draining it. Was this wrong for me to take 50% of the money from our joint account and put it in a single account?

I had resolved to tell her about this and that I wanted a divorce. But when I came home she was crying and apologized to me. But something has changed in me where I feel love towards her but now I question if I'm in love with her? I want to tell her about the money I removed but it was hurtful. I brought up divorce (in a sincere tone) to try to discuss what would happen if we did it. She said she wanted the kids (which tears me up because they are the joy of my life). I told her that if we were to stay together in our marriage we have to go to counseling and make sure we actively participate. The last six months I went to marriage counseling alone, she went to one session, but I told her she and I needed to learn the tools to make our marriage work otherwise we would fail in our marriage.

Last night she tentatively agreed but she also wanted to fly back home for two weeks to think about things. Was this the right thing to do in my marriage? Am I being underhanded by removing 50% of our savings to a single account?

I do plan on talking about it today, last night she was to emotional, but I also wanted to share my thought on us remaining in a marriage. I know I have feelings for her, and I appreciate her, but I don't have that "love" connection because I've been hurt so much by the name calling. It has eroded my self esteem and I don't want to fight like that in front of the kids anymore. To me, the name calling and verbal abuse is just plain disrespectful and I don't know how any marriage (or relationship) can survive without respect.

Is this the right thing to do in my marriage?

Thank you for reading this entry.

I've been married for over 10 years now and at times its good other times, the marriage is like blah or worse. I know this isn't normal but we get into some pretty bad arguments at least 3-4x a week. Usually she ends up calling me names and I "apologize" just to get the argument over with, even though I feel like it left things unresolved and our problems only resurface later. We rarely have sex or intimacy (maybe 1x a month) and usually its just uncomfortable for me because she acts like she's doing me a big favor. I feel like when I come home from work, she dumps the kids on me and acts like she doesn't have to help parent, or do homework; etc. I know she takes care of the baby and puts the kids to school and cleans/cooks; but she doesn't appreciate that I do help her clean and take care of the kids. Instead she acts controlling (I get yelled at for moving or touching something in the house) or playing with the kids because she said she just cleaned. I'm just tired of it because I think that at least alone I wouldn't feel this bad and lonely. After dinner she just sits on the internet and does her own thing in the other room while I watch TV with the kids. I know she needs her space but it feels like we just cut each other out of the conversation.

I talked to one of my coworkers about this, she's been married unhappily for 20 years and she says she would have left her husband if it wasn't for her religion (Catholic). I don't want to end up like her, just married because of kids but not being emotionally involved in a loving relationship. I don't like she calling me "stupid" and a lot of other bad words. I think not only is it disrespectful to me, but my kids always see and hear it. Now they're at an age (9,8) they know mom and dad fight, and I wonder what kind of men they would grow up to be and how they view the father I am? Its not always her fault because I also share the blame and I also cuss at her. But 75% of the time I think she instigates the arguments and makes it worse from a simple disagreement to a verbal lashing. Would you ask for a divorce in this situation? I think when people get to a certain age they don't change, why should I try anymore?

BTW I did try marriage and individual counseling, she went once but hasn't gone since. I go for stress management but it hasn't helped out yet....

My wife and I have been married for 11 years. We have three kids, I have a steady job and she's a good house wife, meaning she takes care of the house. I also help her clean nightly when I get off work, help watch the kids, do homework with them, change diapers, etc (support her). Anyways, at times I feel really unhappy. We have some bad arguments sometimes like last night we argued about something about money. This time it was my fault because I had procrastinated but I don't like her dropping the F bombs on me. I also think when she calls me "stupid, idiot, disgusting" is also uncalled for because it has nothing to do with conversation.

Every time we fight it causes me to pause and think about separating. It isn't that I don't love her but her lack of respect towards me tears me down. I don't know how any relationship could grow when two individuals use profanity towards each other. I've gone to marriage counseling (she refused to go) and we talk about this a lot but it never seems to get better. She explains that in principle she agrees but if she gets mad then she has no control of it, and she never apologies for it.

What do you think? Would you stay married if you fought weekly with your spouse who called you names or tore you down (mentally), and didn't trust you, or berated you over little things?

Ok I'm biased being a Seahawks fan. I also know the knock on SA was being a "soft" runner and running behind Walter Jones/Steve Hutcherson. However with all the attention to the injuries that football players take and the permanent abuse it does them again and again does Shaun Alexander deserve attention as a HOF candidate?

If you look at his stats they are impressive!

He had over 9,000 rushing yards, 100 TDs, NFL MVP in 2005 (and rushing champion for that year), 2nd leading rusher in 2004 (behind Curtis Martin who is also a HOF candidate), set the then TD rushing record for the season (28 broken by Tomlinson also a future HOF candidate); led the Seahawks to the 2005 Superbowl, five straight playoff appearances, and four straight division titles! The guy in his prime was just a graceful fast runner!

I've been married for ten years and we have three kids. I have a decent "office" job where I usually come home at a set time and help clean up the house, get the kids homework done, help with dinner/dishes, and finally get the kids ready for bed. In short, I like being married and having a family. However, the marriage has had a lot of rocky moments because my wife and I disagree and argue on a daily basis. She really nags about trivial matters, I really think she is controlling and OCD because everything at our home needs to be set or done her way. There is no compromise and when I disagree with her and point out there's more than one way to accomplish the task, she just gets more upset and yells at me. I'm not sure if that is a byproduct of us coming from mixed races, cultures, and nationalities but some how in our arguments we eventually move on in the fights as we've always persevered. But I'm unhappy. The word "divorce" has always hung in our conversations even since we first married, which is unfortunate because now there is a decade of malaise. I'm not sure if its routine anymore but my marriage borders from being ok to down right miserable. My wife and I always argue and usually (I hate to admit this) but I capitulate for marital bliss. Usually our arguments involve a trivial matter but the venom that my wife spits at me (using hurtful words to describe me like "I'm stupid" or "disgusting") like if I forgot to pick up something at the grocery store, or maybe I bought the wrong kind of cereal for the kids (other than what she had wanted me to buy) is really hurtful. I have a masters degree and she calls me stupid! Almost daily, we get into fights about trivial matters and even when I take vacation time, I don't feel like I really want to because it means being at home with her. At times I resent her because she brings me down. Most nights we just "ignore" each other, she goes online on the computer and I watch TV with the kids. I've gone to marriage counseling and stress management courses (alone) because she didn't want to come. I've even read books on the subject on how to improve bad marriages. Even when we do talk about it (how to try to be nice and act) it seems every time she loses her temper she reverts back to her old self. I don't see how it'll ever get better. If you were in a marriage where there was little sex, no communication, your routines became a rut, and your partner wasn't trying to change, would you get out?

My wife and I have been married for ten years and we have a financially stable life with three kids. But for sometime now we have had some problems that marriage counseling isn't helping us resolved. In a way I feel depressed because we argue and we both have said hurtful words to each other. About two weeks ago she told me that she wants a divorce and 50% on my retirement and our savings. I went to a legal office for assistance and because where we live they say she is entitled to 50%. I want to be fair and if we divorce I want to do what is honorable for the both of us. Last night when I came home from work she said she wanted a divorce and we talked about splitting the finances and she agreed to give me custody of the kids. But then at the end she said "just kidding" and its been messing with me. I feel like she wants a divorce but may be afraid to be alone. I've been thinking about a divorce a lot too because I'm miserable when we fight and I feel like there is no respect between us. I want to be a good father and husband, and try to put others needs above my own but I feel horrible to go through this. I realize now how different my wife is from me and even though we have shared history, at times I think about my life without her in it. I want her to be married to me because she loves me (and think she does have some love for me because we've been companions and the father of our children) but there is no intimacy or passionate love. I want that and she is unwilling to try to give it to me. If you were presented with a situation that you're not happy and you know in a divorce that financially you'll lose half of your equity but retain the kids, would you take the divorce? I feel torn because I have love for her but I don't know if I can go through these arguments and feelings anymore. I feel foolish and I feel like I'm only putting off the inevitable...what would you do?

Sometimes I feel lost in my marriage. I know there is love and we have a financially stable life with our kids however most of the times when I'm not happy. We argue everyday over little things. I find her controlling (not only me but the kids) and it seems like her bitterness gets worse everyday. I find the name calling and the lack of attraction she has for me the worst because I want to have romance and intimacy but instead we argue. We have talks but it seems we fall into the same habits or arguments over and over again. Marriage counseling doesn't work. After ten years I know she won't change (nor I) but I get tired of the bickering. In fact our romantic life is near non existence (she doesn't have the interest anymore) and it drives me insane. I'm in my mid-thirties (she's a little older than me) but she wants no intimacy; kissing, petting, sex etc. Does this marriage seem dead?

Does anyone else feel like their marriage is in a big negative rut? I've been married ten years and we're going through counseling but I feel like every step forward our relationship (usually the next day) takes two steps back? Can anyone offer any advice on how to spice up a marriage? What if you don't "feel" it anymore? Is this mid-life crisis?

Thanks

I've been married ten years and have had a rollercoaster relationship with my wife. I feel love for her but at times I'm not happy. We have three kids and I have a stable job, recently I finished my graduate degree and I'm thinking of working on a doctoral degree. It may seem like I'm self-absorbed but I'm not. I try to spend as much time with the wife and kids as possible in addition to per-suing promotional opportunities. The problem is we (wife and I) constantly argue and it's so exhausting. I had suggested counseling but she doesn't want to go. We hardly ever have sex and when we do it, it becomes lifeless with no feelings attached. I've tried the "date" thing where I tried to be romantic but she nags about the gifts I buy and it really makes me want to put little effort into the relationship. I feel like as long as I'm with her things will never improve and it will be like "Groundhog Day" where we have the same fights over and over again. This past Halloween we had a huge argument but I caved it instead of calling it quits. I'm having regrets. Is it wrong for me to end it if I'm not happy and the marriage has little potential for growth? Could you accept having a marriage where financially you're stable but there is no romance to the person you are married too and it dissolves into a marriage of convenience?

I would like to retire from the Air Force in a few years and resume a second career teaching social studies, geography, or history at the junior high/high schol level. I have a bachelors degree in history and I'm completing my master's degree for Liberal Arts. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can earn a teaching certificate?