the jeremy vile show

Bless me father for i have sinned i have had rampant sex with fanny green every week for the last month!!

priest gives hin 5 hail marys for penance..

Murphy goes in next

ah bless me father for i have sinned i have been having lots of unlawful sex with fanny green twice a day for the past 2 month

priest gives him 20 hail marys for his penace...

on sunday morning mass the priest has been enquiring who is this woman paddy and murphy have been up to no good with and is told its a new woman in town all the blokes are watching her

next thing a beautiful tall elegant woman walks up the isle wearing a very short mini skirt and matching emerald shiny green shoes she sits down right on the front seat her long slender legs slightly apart -sharon stone style ..

The priest and the alter boy cannot take their eyes of her ..the priest composes himself and whispers to the alter boy ..is that fanny green by any chance

the alterboy bends down slightly looks at her and says no father its just the reflection of her shiny shoes

with his goldfish says to the vet "wud yuz tayk a luk at me goldfeesh der sir"

"what seems to be the trouble paddy" said the curious vet watching the goldfish swim in its bowl.

"I tink mee feesh has got dat der epeptic fit ting" ..."you mean Epileptic fit" says the vet"are you sure paddy hes swimming fine"

"ah bot ya seez tiz still in dat der bowl he duz it when i takes him owt tu wash it

Hi i am using vista and i need to delete a printer that keeps showing up it also has some documents that it was in the middle of printing showing i have bought a new printer but cant seem to get the new one up and running

The old one a hp desk jet just wont go i have tried delete on the documents but they just freeze i have restarted my laptop many times but its there all the time when i look in the printer section of the control panel

any advice please how i can permanently delete this printer and its documents so i can re install my new one

cheers

sledging in nw uk best hills

i need to take some advertising images and photos of the net inc my own stuff and reduce the size but not loose any of the quality of the original

anyone know of a good image re size program thats free ?

cheers

Hi my laptops 4 yrs old works fine but the lcd screen is going dark now its still usable but looking at photos etc and stuff on the net the quality is poor is there a way i can brighten up the screen or is it knackered as i suspect it is

the battery is fully charged and even plugged into mains its no different in the quality

any advice

outside my house there has been work done pipe work under the pavement and safety barriers have been put up on the pavement.

Just gone outside and two barriers are now resting on the side of my car with a torch in hand i can clearly see dents and scratching on the paintwork of the front wings and door and this has really ***0(';"%$^ me off

thing is if i have to claim of my insurance bang goes a no claims bonus i have took a photo before moving the barriers of my car

now my bmw is going to need paintwork ..

parking in the street is difficult as the only available spot is where i always park and thats outside my home.

has this ever happened to anyone else if so did you loose your no claims or did the company pay you out ?

house really low unbelievable sight its on its way to southport airshow

Just needs to be accomplished with a lightning fighter though the Vulcan made my day awesome bomber incredible noise hope to see it next year at the airshow

hi i keep getting this message on my laptop and cant get rid of it the message is

YSLOW.peeler.peel: error TypeError: obj is null

i have no idea what this is how can i stop it from coming up all the time ,when i click it to delete another box opens again

i think its a virus though i have the latest kaspersky

any advice is welcome

cheers

my laptop wont show /display the pound sign when pressed all it shows is this # instead of the UK Stirling pound sign how can i sort it out what do i do to fix it

cheers for any advice

my laptop its regarding the keyboard it was working fine this morning buthen i have gone to use the laptop later the letters are now no`s ie letter y is coming up as no 6 and p is 4 dont know whats going on but i am using a spare laptop to type this question but i need my other one up and running

any advice please

cheers

the guitarist should have got through ..to many singers an dancers AGAIN

Hi for some strange reason all my photos are opening up in microsoft office picture manager how do i put them in standard normal file

cheers

Hi how do i remove xp of my laptop and install vista home premium in its place

cheers

Honestly some people take offence very easily ..i met a bloke with no legs at the bus stop this morning and all i did was ask him how he was getting on ....

Paddy & Mary went to counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Mary had a laundry list of issues: neglect, loneliness,

feeling unloved. Finally after listening for ages, the therapist got up, walked around the desk,

asked Mary to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, caressed her breasts and kissed her passionately

while her husband watched. 'This is what your wife needs 3 times a week.

Can you do this', he asked Paddy . Paddy thought for a minute.

'Well, I can drop her off here Mondays & Wednesdays, but Fridays I play golf.’

Mathew Kelly is hosting STARS IN YOUR EYES

a young lad in his early twenties comes on stage in a wheel chair with both legs bandaged up in a big way

he rolls up to the microphone and introduces himself as SIMON

Good lord says Mathew Kelly are you alright what happened ..Simon replies he was in a bad motorbike crash and his uncle was on the back of the bike when they lost control his uncle died instantly from a blow to his head then simon stated he lost both his legs and after a huge operation the hospitals surgeons put my uncles legs on me hopefully i will walk again in 12 months

WOW that's fantastic isn't it audience a really incredible and touching story ...and who are you going to be for us tonight

well says simon ..tonight mathew im going to be .......

wait for it

.......

SIMON AND HALF UNCLE

dont know if you can help here but my mate has blocked facebook on netgear for a so called laugh etc but now no one can get it back on al i get when typing in face book is a black screen saying site blocked by netgear

how do i get in to open the site back up

cheers for any advice

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,

does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from

Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who

drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow

that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,

models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver' licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little

spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What

are we supposed to do, write to them?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the

postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those

little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards:

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing

section in a swimming pool?

22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that 1

enjoys it?

23. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when

you send it by sea it is called cargo?

24. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365

days a year, why are there locks on the door?

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy

to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day,about 9 months later, he came

home to his confused wife.

'Honey, she said, you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti Three with meatballs, two without - Send extra sauce