AdriAnn

He's kind of like the Beldam from Coraline (the movie) but able to love, in his own horrific way.

Here's a brief description

Tara goes to a small Caribbean island for her grandma's funeral. There she encounters (Prince) Dorsel. He whisks her away to the Kingdom of the Sea and she slowly grows to love her new home. The peace, however, is disrupted when Dorsel's father decides to take revenge on the scientists who held him captive for years (AKA Tara's family). Tara must decide where her loyalties lie, especially when Dorsel is taken captive

( please be SPECIFIC and COURTEOUS)

go to http://www.wattpad.com/story/692300-the-only-excep...

The main things I am looking for are plot and character inconsistencies, but if you have any other suggestions I'm all for them

(Please be SPECIFIC in what I need to fix and what I did well)

“Five ...four...three...two...one...Happy mating boys.” The wall separating the boys from the girls began to lower. Those boys were expected to catch and mate with one of the three girls from their village town or city. I was the youngest of the girls, only sixteen; the youngest of the boys from my extremely poor forest-side village was eighteen and a half. The girls, myself included, rushed to grab the backpacks with our names on them and rush into the forest. It was our job to keep from getting caught for as long as we could.

It's so hard to run in this stupid red dress that hardly left anything to the imagination I thought as I entered the thickest part of the trees. What I wouldn't give for a pair of jeans!

Three trumpet flares erupted from the clearing, telling me three boys have already claimed a girl. Their only job now is to make sure no one over stakes their claim for the rest of the three weeks that we were stuck in this forest. For the audience it's the best part. Oh, I guess I forgot to mention the whole thing is on national TV.

“Lea!!! Lea!!” a high counter tenor voice called to me, getting closer and closer each time. I ran faster to avoid the owner of that voice, I needed to hide, somewhere anywhere.

“What is humanity coming to?” I muttered to myself as I attempted to climb a tree, I made it with little time to spare, the boy, Kurt, the son of a china maker and shop owner ran past me.

With a sigh of relief I decide to look through the pack I had been given. It contained, bungee type ropes, a basic first aid kit, cheese, dried meat, light blue short shorts, a white tank top, an empty water bottle, and the most shocking of all, sheer red lingerie.

“Ugh!” I tossed it back into the bag with disgust, “The government is so one track minded. There's more to life than just growing a population!!” I wanted to scream, but decided against it; not wanting a boy, Kurt especially, to find me.

I stayed in the tree for a few hours before I couldn't deny my need for water any more. I headed for the small stream a few miles away, looking for any signs of the boys.

It was dusk before I made it there. Here the forest was truly beautiful, it where I felt most at home. My mother made jams, jellies, and preserves from the berries I pick from the forests at home to earn money, so I recognized most of the species around me. For good measure I picked a handful of wild raspberries and shoved them into my mouth, very unladylike but I couldn't bring myself to care.

Suddenly a pink parachute landed by me; a note was attached.

“Lea, use these in the hot spring near by and clean up

“Mrs. Sadler”

Kurt's mother? Why would she send me something? I thought going over to the basket. It held: Shampoo, conditioner, and honey scented soap. I knew of a hot spring that my older sister told me about when she was in the Hunt a few years ago. It was about a five minute walk from where I stood, so I began my journey. On my way the trumpet blared two more times.

I need help naming my high school it's set in a fictitious town in Massachusetts somewhere near Boston. I'm open to any ideas you can come up with

What in the treble Clef happened?

The incident I was mulling over had happened over four hours ago, and yet I was still shaking. Being a half rabbit half human definitely had it downsides.

The door clicked, alerting me at once. I had been extra jumpy ever since the orientation this morning, a creepy wolf grabbed my wrist and stared at me like he wanted to eat me.

I was off the bed and under it before it was open. All I could see was a pair of pink stiletto heels. A high female came to my ears.

“She's not here. Guess I have the room to myself for a while. Yes mama, I'll call you later buh-bye.”

Finally peeking from my hiding spot I saw that the newcomer was human, blonde and loved bright colors. I breathed a sigh of relief.

“What in the...” my roommate turned toward the sound and our eyes met.”have you been down there the whole time?”

I nodded slowly.

“Oh, you're a bunny, probably frightened then. I won't hurt you, I promise.” she knelt next to my bed, holding out her hand. “ My baby sister's a bunny too. The name's Helen, and you're Sierra?”

I nodded again, a bit calmer thanks to her gentle tone.

“Why don't you come on out? I see you still need to unpack a bit. C'mon sweetie.”

Timidly I took her hand and she pulled me out. “There you go sweetie, want some carrots, or banana peppers?”

“P..peppers please,” I squeaked moving to sit cross-legged next to the bed.

She handed me a plastic bag full of peppers before going to her bags to start unpacking. “Oh by the way my mate is coming over later. To see how I'm settling in. He's a cat. You like cats right?”

“Yes, but I don't like dogs or wolfs.”

“You and Brandan will get along so well, he hates them.”

I giggled reaching up to play with the tip of my ear. The deep brown tip was a lot more sensitive than the rest of the white fur, except the spot where the white fur met my brown human hair. The only place that was worse was my brown and white tail.

Helen was right I enjoyed Brandan's company very much. He was very nice, a bit vulgar when talking about Helen but, oh well.

I was sitting in a secluded spot on campus after my first day of classes enjoying my spinach ravioli and strawberries while thinking about the night before. I smiled as my eyes closed, dreaming.

Soft hands were running through my hair before moving to knead the base of my ears...

Wait I wasn't dreaming! Someone was actually touching me!!

I whirled around.

Holy Crap it was the wolf!!! I opened my mouth to scream, yell for help, anything; but unfortunately nothing came out.

“Shhhhh, babe,” the wolf said gently in a high tenor voice moving so I was seated in between his legs. “It'll be alright.” His hands found my ears again, “I won't ever hurt you.”

“Who...” I tried to speak but a lump formed in my throat.

“You are to lovely to hurt, my beautiful little prey.”

“What is you're name?” I was barely able to ask. Curse these sensitive sensitive ears!!

“My name is Blaine precious. What is yours? Please tell me. It'll be alright.”

The wolf,er, Blaine picked up my fork, speared a ravioli, and held it to my mouth, whispering words he thought would be comforting; they weren't. I took the food into my mouth, closing my eyes again, wanting to forget he was here. The process continued until my lunch was finished. The assault on my ears started again. The pads of his thumbs massaging the back of them. What was wrong with this guy?!

“G...get away from me. Please,” my voice shook as I tried to wriggle free, “You're scaring me.”

“I'm sorry baby,” he said standing up and pecking my forehead. “Be a good girl, I’ll see you soon.” Blaine disappeared into the sudden traffic of people.

I've been re-reading the first chapter of my novel and something seems a bit off to me about how I introduce my hero and his heroine.

go to http://www.wattpad.com/2547518-the-only-exception

tell me what you think

I'm writing a story but I can't think of any names for my hunky hero. he's a human drinker but he's learned to control his thirst. he's 412 but he looks 26.

HERO:

Andrew, or Drew to his friends, is our 18 year old hero. He came out to his parents and the small Mass. town when he was fourteen. He met Marcus in high school and they started dating soon after. He thought he loved him but lately he has been having weird feelings for his best friend Alexis. He gets overly jealous when a guy looks her way. His heart flutters when they touch. He wants to tell her how he feels but he can't or else both will be fresh meat for the town's gossip mill.

Drew lives with his father, Nathaniel, his mother, Samantha, and his 19 year old brother, Tim

He thinks very highly of himself, he's very passionate and caring, but he's a bit insecure when it comes to intimacy.

HEROINE:

Alexis is our heroine. She just barely turned 18 two month prior. She's known Andrew since kindergarten. They became friends in Junior Year and soon became best friends.

She is very insecure with her looks. She very rarely wears any type of make-up; she has the worst fashion sense. It's a good thing she has Andrew to look after that part of her life because her mother died giving birth to her. She lives with her father Miles and her 21 year old brother Brian

Alexis is a diva, self-absorbed and sometimes downright annoying. But Andrew seems to bring out the best in her. He has tamed her quite considerably; which is strange because he is quite the diva himself. She cares for him deeply, being selfless as much as she can to keep their friendship going. Alexis cannot see a life without him in it some way. Whether it be a friend, a fashion consultant or, dare she even think it...LOVER!!! Even though being raised mostly by Marcus has left her thinking love is an irrational made up emotion

go to http://www.wattpad.com/2547518-the-only-exception

I know my grammar is bad. I'm looking for details, plot and character developement. Any ideas?

She's the most famous fashion designer in the whole country. She's forty-something, even though she'll never admit her real age. She's a selfish diva, but she likes Rylan (the Hero in my story) and gives him a promotion, a house in the mountains, and servants so he can kidnap and woo his love. Oh, and I need help naming her son as well, who is a younger version of her.

PS yes I know my plot is confusing, it will make sense when I write it so please just stick to names please

thanks.

Haunted dolls have taken over the world. The Heroine ,Rachelle, is forced to be the mate of the prince. At first he is very protective, caring, but strict, and she hates him but she slowly falls for him.

Horror

I began to think as I sat on the dusty furniture of my father's stunning tudor home. I'd been sent here to live with my father after the death of my mother, which was truly devastating to me. My father had one prerequisite for my living with him and that was I was to take the place of their maid who had quit unexpectedly. It was difficult to balance my domestic duties and high school, but I did it.

Suddenly warm arms encircled my waist .

I turned to see Riff Raff dressed in a white collard shirt, black slacks, and thigh high boots.

Riff is a butler, alchemy assistant and handyman for the Duke of xxx also known as my father, thus being that if I were caught in a relationship with a commoner....I shuddered at the thought as Riff kissed my lips gently .

I exhaled deeply after the kiss I smiled from ear to ear

" Vhat are you doing ?" I asked worried that someone would surely see us together .

"I had to see you Rachel. I've been waiting over four hundred years for you!" his soft yet slightly creepy high tenor voice whispered into my ear.

Father, the country's alchemist, forced Riff to be his Guinea pig, resulting in Riff drinking a potion of immortality, therefore being cursed with eternal life.

I'm in so deep, I thought to myself, if anyone found out about our relationship we would both suffer the consequences.

I sat down on the dusty furniture; ignoring my domestic duties I began to think. I hated my life! After my mother died I was sent to live with my father. He lived on the other side of the city of Hollowsburg. He sent me to school as any father would, but he also hired me as a maid in my own home.

Too make it even worse I was in love, with a man neither Father nor the law would ever allow. His name was Riff Raff and he was a butler and handyman. In the country of xxx people with noble blood can never marry a common blooded person.

Luckily Riff and I were able to hide our true relationship, for now anyway. Because if we were ever caught and Father doesn't talk the council into letting us marry we would spend an eternity locked apart.

Suddenly warm arms encircled my waist.

this is my first try for this novel so be nice please and the chapter is not done yet. so yes I know it's kinda bad so help please. and be specific please!

It looks like a mix of Transylvania, Halloween Town from Nightmare Before Christmas and the setting from the movie Igor.

Any ideas

Rachel is the narrator of our tale. She is a seventeen year old 1/8th vampire. her great grandfather has raised her since her parents perished "Accidentally". She has grown up learning the two sides of the supernatural balance, but to the rivalry she is dangerously naive.Andrew marked her as his and now they must fool her great grandfather into thinking he is a vampire. Not the easiest task. She loves showing Andrew the fast life she constantly lives. She watches with fascination as Andrew learns to love her world, and as he chooses to leave his old life behind. But that choice has put her whole family into terrible jeopardy , as the wolfs seek revenge.

I have a sore throat and my dad told me not to sing for a few days. Then my singing book told me not to talk. Is there anything else I can do?

I opened my eyes slowly to a unfamiliar room. It was painted in brown red and burgundy, the bed I was now on was an old red covered four poster.

What the heck was I doing here? All I remember was falling asleep on the living room couch after my weekly training.

“Ah I see you've finally awoken” a soft high-tenor voice broke the stillness

“Who are you?” I asked as the man came into the light.

“Chris DeVein. The Prince of Vampires.”

'Vampire?' I thought ' oh great, OK Rachel relax, what did Uncle Tom say? If you are ever captured by a vampire, look him in the eye bravely.'

I stared at his beautiful pale features, his high cheekbones, side parted brown hair, full lips, fangs. And those eyes, those beautiful blue eyes...

'OK bad idea..um let's see um... demand what he wants in a firm tone.'

“Why am I here?”

“You Rachel Alicia White are my mate. We will be together for eternity, tonight I must mark you.” his long cold fingers touched my thigh.

“Whoa, whoa whoa.,” I cried my mental list going out the window “I don't even know you!”

He climbed on top of me pinning me down as I began to struggle. I glared at him, silently cursing him to the depths. He was strong! Stronger than any other vampire I had trained with.

He smiled, or smirked it was hard to tell which as he watched me“We have all Eternity for that mate.”

Before I knew what was happening he had ripped my skirt down the middle exposing my thighs .

“Hey! That was my favorite skirt!” I screeched glaring at him even more. I notced that I became more sarcastic as I got angrier.

He chuckled darkly “ Mate that looked atrocious on you” he ripped it more to make it totally unfixable.

“Now will you behave while I mark you or do I have to make you?”

I sighed in defeat, all my energy gone . “ I'll behave.” my mind skipped to the end of the list ' If you backed into a corner do what he tells you so you do not get killed.'

There was no point in hurting myself or getting killed by a cute but selfish vampire. Being raised as a Vampire Hunter taught me that vampires never give up when they see something they want, especially royalty. And besides it would hurt a lot more if he bit me without my consent.

“Gooood Girrrl” he purred into my ear before kissing me.

Of all the fairy tale kisses I had read about nothing prepared me for this. Chris' lips moved against mine gently, savoring our first kiss. Despite my better judgment I began to kiss him back. It's not like I could help it, my body knew who I was meant for. It's a mate thing, as soon as a Syre kisses them the mate's body will instantly respond to his touch.

He abruptly ended the kiss and attached his lips to my thigh.

Sharp fangs entered my skin as easily as a warm knife to butter. The Marking Venom stung as it entered my bloodstream, making me hiss harshly and tug at Chris' hair.

Chris chuckled as he drank deeply. After a minute he pulled away.

“You taste delicious Darling.” he stated.

“Gee thanks,” the sarcasm in my voice was softened by fatigue.

He chucked again picking me up and pulling down the red sheets.

“Time to sleep Rachel.” he whispered placing me gently back on the bed.

“Good night Mate. I'll come for you soon.”

My eyes fluttered closed as in said “Good night my Syre.”

i like honesty but be nice. and if you don't like something be specific and give me ideas on how to fix it.

go to http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2957913/1/Syre

i really want to know how I'm doing with the characters, especially the hero and heroine. if I can improve on them tell me how. and also help with the secondary characters I have used so far (Matt, and Marcel).

if there any other things i can do tell me