randyken

I don't know that I am, but I strongly suspect I am. I mean, she hates me because she loves me is what it's like. Anyone have insight?

My dad and his wife proposed a cruise for all the kids and spouses, including their first grandkid. Before they booked the trip (they did it in waves just to defer the cost over a little time) our friends (my fiance and mine) announced their wedding date, and it of course falls within the time of the proposed cruise. I am friends with them both, she is good friends with them both. Her take is, go to the wedding, no question, her friends' special day trumps all and that it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

I do acknowledge that, and realize how big a deal it is. But I also recognize that it calls to sacrifice a week with her soon-to-be family, with my family (for me, who she admittedly likes and hangs out with; we will be married by then ourselves) to spend 4 or 5 hours with our friends on their special day. While I acknowledge it's a one-time thing for them, I also see it as weighing sharing in them starting their future together against her and I actually working on our future together. If it was just my dad and his wife, or my sister and B.I.L., and us, it wouldn't matter as much to me. But it's my entire family, about to be her in-laws.

What's your take?

I think things just ended between my ex and I. She has issues that interfere with relationships and she recognizes that and I know she does. But she's unwilling to get help for them, though to her it is not an option. It's really complex.

All that being said, I truly love her but feel it's possible she may really hide from this forever and knows that she can't be with me if she continues doing so. I also think that, while I will miss her forever also, I have come to a place of acceptance with it, that the impossible just isn't possible and I have to let go.

This has been going on for several years so it's not like this is some overnight revelation or moment of clarity. I have met women in the meantime (the ex and I have been in this sordid limbo for over 6 months), one in particular which has really caught my attention and I believe I have hers, too. We have gone out very casually a handful of times because I was still trying to sort out what was to be with the ex and I. I have a mind to call her, tell her I have a clear mind and conscience, and am ready to ask her out for real. I think she knows a little about my situation but I would be willing to reveal it all if she asked. Would you be put off? Like I said, I think she's interested, too, and God knows I've been trying unsuccessfully for years to try and put my love in a safe place, with a woman who didn't know what to do with it. This girl has a definite vibrancy that I see and like. Is it too much to ask to ask her out the day (technically) I broke up? Like I said, this has been coming for years. I have already been coming to terms and acceptance the whole time, and I have mourned enough. I am done mourning.

I don't know if this is a repeat Q or not. It wasn't displayed on the main page for some reason.

I think things just ended between my ex and I. She has issues that interfere with relationships and she recognizes that and I know she does. But she's unwilling to get help for them, though to her it is not an option. It's really complex.

All that being said, I truly love her but feel it's possible she may really hide from this forever and knows that she can't be with me if she continues doing so. I also think that, while I will miss her forever also, I have come to a place of acceptance with it, that the impossible just isn't possible and I have to let go.

This has been going on for several years so it's not like this is some overnight revelation or moment of clarity. I have met women in the meantime (the ex and I have been in this sordid limbo for over 6 months), one in particular which has really caught my attention and I believe I have hers, too. We have gone out very casually a handful of times because I was still trying to sort out what was to be with the ex and I. I have a mind to call her, tell her I have a clear mind and conscience, and am ready to ask her out for real. I think she knows a little about my situation but I would be willing to reveal it all if she asked. Would you be put off? Like I said, I think she's interested, too, and God knows I've been trying unsuccessfully for years to try and put my love in a safe place, with a woman who didn't know what to do with it. This girl has a definite vibrancy that I see and like. Is it too much to ask to ask her out the day (technically) I broke up? Like I said, this has been coming for years. I have already been coming to terms and acceptance the whole time, and I have mourned enough. I am done mourning.

We were in this place 3+ years ago (feel free to read some of my Q's from back then). We were together, lived together over 2 years, engaged for much of that time, and she left because she wanted something to change. We were dating again, sleeping together again until one day, POOF! she ran away again. I saw her today under the premise that I was searching for some understanding of the situation, trying to understand where she's at. It was going pretty good until I asked her a simple Q. She has always been really guarded, but I threw it out there. I asked, "M, are you afraid you're going to hurt me or has there been a realization that you want something different?" All I got was a "NO! I'm going to leave now." And she walked to her car, got in and drove off without another word. What the hell? What didn't she want to say there, because apparently she had something to say that she wouldn't let come out?

For those of you into some 'different' stuff sexually, I'm just wondering a few things. First, is there a sense of fulfillment that comes from it for anyone out here or is it always purely physical? Secondly, how did you get you and your spouse/SO involved in it, how did you ask? Lastly, I assume 'rules' are necessary. What are some you practice?

The short of it is this for me. My fiance and I broke up. After months of thinking on what happened (because I do truly love her and firmly believe she still does me) I think we both lost a sense of fulfillment in ourselves. Mine comes from the relationship. I think hers may come from sexual exploration, a topic we have discussed in the past but never really got into. I'm really not put off by the thought of it at all. Honestly, it's appealing but I'm just shy I think. I'm trying to put things right and I'm going to suggest the idea to her, that I want to try it out. If she is pushed to the limits sexually, she will be content. If she is content, the relationship will build off of what is truly love. If the relationship is there, I am content. If I am content, I am willing to go further down this road with her, and so on and so on. It would seem to perpetuate.

Thanks for the answers and Happy Friday.

Outside of abuse and cheating, is it always possible to forgive someone you really love? If you recognize they really understand their mistakes and are conscious of not repeating them?

I am really sorry this is so long, but it had to be spelled out. I understand if you don't want to read it but I could really use some real-world wisdom on how to navigate this situation. I really do believe she loves me completely. She is just scared to paralysis.

There's this really wonderful woman who I fell in love with but who broke it off a few months ago. She has really major trust issues, the kind that come from rape or abuse or something along those lines. We we together about 4 years and, while she would openly acknowledge she has trust issues, she never once indicated she wanted to face them, let alone share them with me. I understand and have never asked her to. But the scars are apparent and the effect on the relationship has been profound.

I have already asked a few Q's here recently about this, and I have heard first-hand that some people identify their pain as a part of them, hence they have no intention of 'facing' it as it's just a part of who they are. I believe what I heard about it.

I love this woman, immensely, as she is, but I can see the radiance behind the wall she has had up as long as I have known her. I know I can't break it down. She has to do so in her own time and way, if she even wants to. I really do feel like I accept her as she is now but I am really torn about how to read what she wants, and God knows she's not talking about it right now. Part of me says she doesn't want to change, she accepts it as part of who she is. But another part of me sees the other 'her' inside trying to get my attention, trying to get the courage to ask for help. And within the second scenario, I see she is reaching out to me, but she is silent, and the only way to give her a voice is to hurt her as badly as she was hurt before, namely me, a pretty good guy whom she loves very deeply and who loves her more than I can really even describe, must leave her for good so that she has pain to balance against the pain she feels now, pain enough to give her true self a voice and ask for help. Only from someone else. It's like the X-Men movie where, at the end, Wolverine has to kill (I don't remember the character) his comrade because she is destroying the world because she lost control of her own power and asked him to.

We went to a relationship counselor yesterday that can be summed up with she was asked if she's retreating again because she's scared of getting hurt or because she really doesn't want this relationship like she once thought. She had no answer (no surprise) so we left it at we would take a two week break from each other, no contact and return then to another session (already scheduled) and talk about things. That lasted less than 18 hours and she contacted me. I told her she could call me anytime as the break was not for my benefit. And she did. She wants to retrieve some resume documents from my computer. I told her she could come and email them to herself, I would leave a key for her when I was out and she agreed.

Now, finally to the crux of this question (I am sorry it's so long, but this is very messed up). I wrote a note I want her to read. I was hoping she would come over while I was here so I could tell her face to face but she's not up for seeing me right now. I understand that is her demons controlling her, not exactly her but it is futile to battle them if she won't let it happen. Regardless, the note reads that I love her and I think she realizes that I understand her better than she thought I could. As such, I say that I know someone hurt her very heinously and that I can see the scars and always have. I told her I know what they look like because I have some of my own but I see hers are much deeper. I go on that I'm not looking to help her but would if she asked. I just wanted her to know how much I loved her as she is and am here if she ever wanted to talk about it.

Now, finally, do I leave the note? Or do I hope she will keep her word (she almost always does UNLESS she gets really scared) and take it to our next counseling session and present my thoughts there? If I go that route I am running the risk that she will bail on the counseling and I will miss my opportunity altogether.

Again, sorry this is so long, but if you were patient enough to read it, you understand why. I really, really love this woman just as she is. I just see her hurting so badly, wanting to open up to me, but pulling back violently whenever she gets close. My ultimate options as I see them are leave her for my own benefit, leave her for the reasons I outlined above, for her benefit. The only way I see I can stay with her is to deal with her demons and enjoy 'her' when she is calm and feels safe.

This is about a relationship, but if you have the patience to read it, you'll know why I put it here. I am really sorry this is so long, but it had to be spelled out. I understand if you don't want to read it but I could really use some real-world wisdom on how to navigate this situation. I really do believe she loves me completely. She is just scared to paralysis.

There's this really wonderful woman who I fell in love with but who broke it off a few months ago. She has really major trust issues, the kind that come from rape or abuse or something along those lines. We we together about 4 years and, while she would openly acknowledge she has trust issues, she never once indicated she wanted to face them, let alone share them with me. I understand and have never asked her to. But the scars are apparent and the effect on the relationship has been profound.

I have already asked a few Q's here recently about this, and I have heard first-hand that some people identify their pain as a part of them, hence they have no intention of 'facing' it as it's just a part of who they are. I believe what I heard about it.

I love this woman, immensely, as she is, but I can see the radiance behind the wall she has had up as long as I have known her. I know I can't break it down. She has to do so in her own time and way, if she even wants to. I really do feel like I accept her as she is now but I am really torn about how to read what she wants, and God knows she's not talking about it right now. Part of me says she doesn't want to change, she accepts it as part of who she is. But another part of me sees the other 'her' inside trying to get my attention, trying to get the courage to ask for help. And within the second scenario, I see she is reaching out to me, but she is silent, and the only way to give her a voice is to hurt her as badly as she was hurt before, namely me, a pretty good guy whom she loves very deeply and who loves her more than I can really even describe, must leave her for good so that she has pain to balance against the pain she feels now, pain enough to give her true self a voice and ask for help. Only from someone else. It's like the X-Men movie where, at the end, Wolverine has to kill (I don't remember the character) his comrade because she is destroying the world because she lost control of her own power and asked him to.

We went to a relationship counselor yesterday that can be summed up with she was asked if she's retreating again because she's scared of getting hurt or because she really doesn't want this relationship like she once thought. She had no answer (no surprise) so we left it at we would take a two week break from each other, no contact and return then to another session (already scheduled) and talk about things. That lasted less than 18 hours and she contacted me. I told her she could call me anytime as the break was not for my benefit. And she did. She wants to retrieve some resume documents from my computer. I told her she could come and email them to herself, I would leave a key for her when I was out and she agreed.

Now, finally to the crux of this question (I am sorry it's so long, but this is very messed up). I wrote a note I want her to read. I was hoping she would come over while I was here so I could tell her face to face but she's not up for seeing me right now. I understand that is her demons controlling her, not exactly her but it is futile to battle them if she won't let it happen. Regardless, the note reads that I love her and I think she realizes that I understand her better than she thought I could. As such, I say that I know someone hurt her very heinously and that I can see the scars and always have. I told her I know what they look like because I have some of my own but I see hers are much deeper. I go on that I'm not looking to help her but would if she asked. I just wanted her to know how much I loved her as she is and am here if she ever wanted to talk about it.

Now, finally, do I leave the note? Or do I hope she will keep her word (she almost always does UNLESS she gets really scared) and take it to our next counseling session and present my thoughts there? If I go that route I am running the risk that she will bail on the counseling and I will miss my opportunity altogether.

Again, sorry this is so long, but if you were patient enough to read it, you understand why. I really, really love this woman just as she is. I just see her hurting so badly, wanting to open up to me, but pulling back violently whenever she gets close. My ultimate options as I see them are leave her for my own benefit, leave her for the reasons I outlined above, for her benefit. The only way I see I can stay with her is to deal with her demons and enjoy 'her' when she is calm and feels safe.

The short of it is this. She broke it off. What I see is she did it not because she didn't love me, but because she loved me so much she was afraid she was hurting me. She has major trust issues, and I can see the pain clearly in her. After a counseling session together yesterday, she is torn right down the middle between facing her demons or facing me leaving her life for good. Both are terrible outcomes for her, and I understand the quandary. So, if you have been hurt really bad, someone violated your trust in a major way, what would you want to hear right now from me? I expect to see her tonight just for a few minutes and I am contemplating saying the following, "Look, you know how much I love you and how much I want us to be together. I also think you acknowledge that I understand you better than you thought I would or even could. That being said, I know someone violated your trust in a heinous way. I can see the scars. I don't want to help you. I just love you enough to want you to know I see it and am here if you ever want to talk about it. I think sharing burdens always helps, even just a little."

Would you be put off hearing this? This thing is at the center of our disintegration. I wish it would leave but I know she's the only one that can deal with it in her own time and in her own way. I just feel like if I say that, there's even less to hide, like peeling one layer off an onion.

I do love this woman and want to be with her, either learning what her boundaries are as they stand if nothing should change or walking with her if/when she decides she wants to face these demons.

Very long story short, she broke it off and I realized what I had lost. I have tried for months now, but made no appreciable progress. Just last night she and I saw a relationship counselor again. The session concentrated on whether she was scared to try again or whether she really just wasn't feeling it with me like she thought she was. The session ended with she and I deciding to have no contact with one another at all for two weeks. We left and immediately afterward I told her I was blocking her texts but would welcome her call anytime. Less than 18 hours later, she vtexts me (I guess that's NOT blocked) asking for some resume files of hers on my computer.

What should I do? I am leaning towards telling her I'm not at home, won't be until later this evening, and if she wants them she is welcome to come over and email them to herself. Any thoughts on that? Further thoughts?

I'm talking a fear of emotional intimacy. Are there people in the world who just will never open all the way up?

I'm in a situation now where a girl who I was together with for almost four years broke it off. She was never completely open with me. Should I interpret this as she was never comfortable with me enough, hence we aren't right for each other or are there people who just won't open up with anyone?

Also, anyone who has these fears who would care to answer, what does/did/would it take to open up to someone?

I am having a really hard time with all of this. If she really DID love me like she said, thought, claimed to, then she has emotional issues to deal with from her past. But the thought keeps popping in my head that maybe she just realized that the fact that she didn't open up was a sign for her that it just wasn't the right fit. What do you think?

Can relationships work if one person is afraid to open up?

I'll try to keep this short, but it's a really effed up situation.

We have an appointment with a psychologist this Thursday coming up. She works with couples but also with individuals. She has been seeing this woman off and on for a few years now. I truly believe she trusts her a lot, which is very helpful.

Anyways, my fiance and I broke up in January. We had been having a really rough time for several months. When she told me she was moving, I stepped aside and said I didn't want her to but I was not going to stop her if she felt she needed to. I was indifferent then, thinking I would let things fall where they would. Since then, I have realized I am definitely not indifferent now. I love her madly and always have.

She and I talked today. We have been talking this whole time, even basically dating again, but keep running into the same problems. I realized recently what I think it is. She will not let me get too close to her. She has always been like this, and I actually worked with it ok until I started to become withdrawn from the relationship and I got the finger pointed at me for it. That's what led to the inital break-up. We're at a point now where she's even more in her shell and, while talking with her just this morning, said it's part of who she is and she's not sure she's willing to give it up.

I acknowledge there are two (at least) ways to look at this. Either she doesn't love me as much as she claimed to hence the shell is more important than I am. Or she always runs inside when she gets scared and she was hurt by the break-up. Now she's even more reluctant to come back out.

Either way, I don't think I can live in limbo anymore. I want to lay it down, stand by 'the shell goes or I go'. Even to further confuse me, she said how hurt she was that "we decided she should move out" (when I see it as I let her do what she felt she needed to). This makes me wonder if it isn't the exact same circumstance and I can't let it go without fighting with everything I have for her.

So what are your thoughts? She is repulsed by attempts to really get close with her but always has been. I want to stay and fight forever but I want her to see that when someone loves her like I do (and I really, really do) she has to come outside or she will eventually lose them. Is this normal, "I realized I don't love you as much as I once thought I did" from her or is it something that I should demand we keep going to counseling for if she wants me in her life? Either way, I will not let myself be one of admittedly few people she has 'close' to her. I want to be the one who knows her better than everyone short of herself. That's what a husband and a wife are supposed to be to each other, right? And I do still want that in time. But for now I want a straight answer from her as to whether she wants to be single and open to new love interests or if she's just really, really scared to try again. Haven't gotten an answer to that one yet. Hopefully she can tell me Thursday.

Thanks for reading and for the thoughts.

I could use it.........

...to your spouse?

What I'm wondering is, my fiance views sex as purely physical, nothing emotional before, during, or after. I always assumed sex would be that "thing", the thing that only we do with each other that symbolizes our love. Which, whatever, but I realized I want a sense that there is something, a symbol, of our emotional bond to each other. If it's not sex, what can it be? What else do people share this way besides sex?

I appreciate a woman's perspective on this, but all responses are appreciated.

Ex and I split up in January. Said she felt lonely for some time while we were together. All that aside, I came to the realization that I needed to show her how important she is to me and have made a very concerted effort to behave differently, to show her how much I appreciate her. I also realized that I could only say I was sorry other stuff I felt was important unnecessarily divert attention from our relationship. I was out of balance but I have it back again and want to only show her I have things back in order. She has definitely taken some notice.

We still talk almost every day and do stuff together, even stay over at each other's place a couple/few times a week. Up until recently, we weren't having sex but that changed a couple of weeks ago, too. My confusion comes from her apparent confusion (she acts confused) and is highlighted by this past week. We went to my brother's wedding this past weekend, she stayed over afterwards and took me to get my car the next day. I told her I had a few things to do later but I would like to just spend some time with her later that day. She called me and invited me over. We went to some little greasy spoon for dinner, got back to her place, watched a movie and fell asleep. The next morning we had coffee, she got ready for work, and things got physical which was great (I think). I left, she went to work, we didn't really talk much, a few texts. Tuesday came around and nothing at all until I texted her that night, said she had a friend over (who I know and trust, fyi). I was a little upset because that was our last chance to get together until Saturday. She was going to help her brother and SIL move the next day, wasn't coming until today at which point I have yet another wedding rehearsal tonight. Fortunately she is going to the wedding tomorrow but not the rehearsal.

Any rate, what do I make of all of this? We're together, everything is fantastic. When we're not, it's like I'm not on her mind at all until we get together again and it's like nothing was ever wrong. I do think she's stressed out because of two weddings I'm in in 7 days, her brother moving cross-country, and her job basically debilitates her yet she won't do anything beyond talk about quitting. Is there anything more I can do? Or is it just steady as she goes? I just want to know that she finds comfort in me and that she can come for that comfort whenever. I'd prefer to always be there for her once again (and I have told her that, have been showing her that, too, though I get little efedback on how I'm doing in that pursuit). Thoughts?

Sorry so long. Just tried to paint a clear picture.

Unique circumstances. My ex-fiance and I were together about 4 years when, in Jan, things got a little too rocky and she moved out. Fast forward to now, we have talked a couple times to a relationship counselor and things are back on track, mind you a new and better one. I would say we're 'dating' again.

Her ex is still in the picture, a point of contention I have had for some time and she has heard it. That being said, my girl was in a lesbian relationship, and this is the ex I am referring to. Just tonight, she got in touch with my girl about having drinks after work, got some guy they all know (my girl only through the 2 other girls she was supposed to meet) to go, and then the two of them bailed, went somewhere else leaving my girl and this random guy she has met but never hung out with one on one ever. If this isn't a blatant attempt to try and set up a blind date, I don't know what is.

I know it's wrong to hit girls, but if she wants to blur the lines of gender anyways, wants to tell my girl what a dog I am (which I am most certainly not; sour grapes I'd say), and wants to underhandedly set up blind dates, I want a go with her. Is that ethically acceptable? She plays a boy. I think she should be prepared to rumble if she's going to infringe on my turf. Law of the jungle, know what I mean?

Mother's Day is coming up Sunday.

My ex-fiancee (had been together about 4 years) broke up in January, trying to get things back on track and finally feel like we're there, back together (at least dating again, if that makes sense). Reasons for the break-up are all that relevant, just know that there was no abuse, no infidelity at all. I was neglectful admittedly (and I have learned a hard lesson from all of this) but, as is the case with any relationship, she had a role in this, too. She is the passive-aggresive type, so no one or few things, just l;ots of little things that contributed. Like I said, we're working together to do this doifferently, and I have a lot of confidence we will.

That being said, I think her mom really, basically, blames me for us breaking up. I know my girl (obviously) and I don't think she necessarily painted a rosy picture for her mom, but she's really reluctant to share what she's thinking with anyone. I think her mom only got part of the story, which, whatever, I'm not out to woo her mom. Obviously don't want to get on her bad side if I can avoid it, either, I know. Do I send her a card for Mother's Day? She lives in several states away. Just want to maintain civility if we can.

She left a few months ago. Had to figure out some stuff she had been talking about, but had to 'get it' for myself. Which I've done. I realize now that those feelings for her are there still and stronger than ever. She says I broke her heart, which I can never forgive myself for but I will not let it happen ever again.

She checked out from us 3+ years ago, just hid from her feelings, lived in her doubts, for a few months until I finally told her I had had enough ambiguity, I was going to try dating again. 3 weeks later she called and said what a mistake she had made and wanted to go at it again. I took her back. She had broken my heart too.

Am I wrong to tell her this today (going to see her in a few minutes)? I want her to see we both went through the same thing essentially.