Ruthie1959

Chuck Norris or Steven Seagal?

My money's on Steven Seagal.

How can you tell the difference between Silver plated flatware and sterling silver flatware?

What is the name of the old movie where James Cagney rubbed a grapefruit in the lady's face?

Whi is the actor who's pretending to be Tads uncle. At least I think he's pretending. I know I've seen him on something, but I can't place him.

Thanks.

Does anyone have the lyrics for the old 80's son "Beer Drinkin' Song"?

I know some but not all of the lyrics. Starts with " Oh why don't all just get stoned".

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks

Is anyone gonna give up Yahoo answers for lent??

Just wondering.

What does it mean when somrone answers a question with the word "edit"?

Does anyone have a recipie for crockpot sp;it pea with ham soup. Using dried peas?

Thank you!

Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang- up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there"?

"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor."

The librarian replies, "This is a library."

So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."

Counterfeiter

A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until he found a tiny town with a single general merchandise store.

He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Could you change this for me, please?"

The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man. "Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, where as women use 20,000 words per day.

His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"

Vacation !

Darla had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

"Pretty good, I think," replied Darla, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."

Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?"

"No", replied Darla, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"

A friend of the great comedian Phil Silvers, endeavoring to find a special gift for the proverbial man who had everything, was delighted when Silvers arrived for a weekend visit driving a Rolls-Royce Silver Cloud. "You won't need that bus this weekend," his host declared. "Let me take it in for a checkup." Silvers obliged and his friend hastily arranged for the installation of a built-in bar, a high-fidelity stereo, a color television set, and a VCR.

The Rolls arrived just in time for Silvers' Monday morning departure. "You'd better check before you start out, Phil," the friend casually remarked, "just to be sure everything is in shape." "Oh, that doesn't matter," Silvers replied. "It's a rented car."

You Told Her What?

A woman went to doctors office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down in another room and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor calmly continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion."

The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone").

The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, "Meow" (meaning "he's gone").

After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. "$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!"

The vet explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan...."

There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.

They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.

1. Use as a doorstop

2. Use as a paperweight

3. Use to clean your pots and pans

4. Use as boat anchor

5. Use as bricks in fireplace

6. Build a house with them

7. Use it to hold up your Christmas tree

8. Use as a pencil holder

9. Give it to the cat for a scratching post

10. Put it in the back yard to feed the birds and squirrels

11. Hold up your car when changing tires

12. Slice and use for poker chips

13. Use it to carve your turkey on

14. Use as replacement for Duraflame log

15. Take it camping with you...use it to weigh down the tent

16. Use it as a seat at a stadium event

17. Stand on it when you change a lightbulb

18. Put it in the back of your car/truck for snow/ice driving

19. Replaces free weights when you work out

20. Use as book ends at the school library

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It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"

The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."