sammi

I know people call that a full house but is that the correct term, or is there a more 'official' term so to speak?

Guy says to his wife " Put your coat on, I'm going down to the pub"

Wife says, "Are you taking me out"

Guy says " No, I'm, turning the heating off."

Two blonde girls from Essex walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,

"That’s quite nice, don’tcha fink, Susan."

"Yeah. Wot’s it called Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? Wot’s that mean?"

At this stage the store clerk offers some help.

"Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ’come to me.’"

Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Susan again

saying,

"That don’t smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to

you?"

Little boy crying out in Tescos.

The securuty guard says "Are you lost?"

The little sobbing boy replies that he is.

"What’s your mummy like?"

The little boy looks up and says "Big knobs and Bacardi Breezers

Zeus the greek god was flying over ancient Greece when he spotted a georgeous woman naked washing herself.

He made love to her then stroked her face and told her "In nine months you will have a child and you will call him Hercules!"

She dressed herself smiled and replied "In nine days you will have a rash and you will call it Herpes now f*** off!!"

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

The cowboy replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am." After a short while he asked her what she was.

She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, work, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.

His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'

A blonde goes into a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,"I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed her several patterns,but the blonde seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.

The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches??", asked the salesman, "that sounds very small. What room are they for?"

The blonde says, "Oh, they are not for any room - they are for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains."

The blonde says, " Hellooooooooo - I've got Windows."

> A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with,

''Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?''

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks,

''Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?''

He answers,

''Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price.''

...

> A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.

'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night,

whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my ****?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'

> I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'

> Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves!

> Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your stupid mates with you!'

> I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me. I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.

> A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted, 'He's behind you!'

I used to be in a band.. we were called Duvet...it was a cover band