MICKY

A guy goes to pick up his date She is not ready so he sits in the living room with her parents He has a bad case of wind and needs to relieve some pressure The family dog jumps up on the couch next to him He decides that he can let out a little fart and if anyone notices they'll think it was the dog

He farts and the mother yells " Spot get down from there "

The guy thinks " Great they think the dog did it " He releases another fart and the mother again yells for the dog to get down

This goes on for a couple more farts Finally the mother yells " Dammit Spot get down before that bar--steward craps on you ""

Little Johnnie is being tested on the kings and Queens of England

" And who followed Edward the sixth ? "asks the teacher

" Mary " replied Johnnie

" And who followed her ? " asked the teacher

Little Johnnie replies " Her little lamb "

The police are collecting statements on a street where a crime has been committed and knocked on a couples door

" Excuse me sir but can you tell me where you were at around 8:05 last night ? " the officer enquires

" Funny you should ask " the man smirks " I took the wife upstairs at 8 pm to make love "

" That's true " his wife shouts over his shoulder " But I couldn't tell you where he was at five past "

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman " I want you to give me 12 year old scotch and don't try to fool me I can tell the difference "

The barman is sceptical and decides to try and trick the man with a 5 year old scotch

The man takes as sip scowls and says " Barman this crap is 5 year old scotch I told you I want 12 year old scotch "

The barman tries once more with 8 year old scotch

The takes a sip grimaces and says " Barman I don't want 8 year old scotch Give me 12 year old scotch "

Impressed the barman gets the 12 year old scotch

The man takes a sip and sighs " Ah now that's the real thing "

A drunk has been watching this wit great interest He stumbles over sets a glass down in front of the man and says " Try this "

The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out again " Yechhh this stuff taste like piss"

The drunk says " Yeah Now how old am I ? "

A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a whisky When the drink arrives the string gulps it down in one then runs out without paying

Outside the string ruffles itself and ties itself up then goes back into the bar and orders another whisky

" Here " says the barman " Aren't you that piece of string that just ran out without paying ? "

The string replies " No I'm a frayed knot "

Its late in the evening and Dave's wife catches him pouring six cans of lager down the toilet " What on earth are you doing ? "she says

Dave replies " Well it seems a waste but I thought it would save me getting up during the night "

The Australian rugby team is been driven through Dublin The driver shouts " And if you look to you left you'll see we're going past the biggest pub in the city "

A voice from the back of the coach shouts " Why are we going past ? "

A little old lady walked up to a police officer and said " Officer I was sexually assaulted it happened in the park "

" When did this happen " asks the officer

" Twenty-four years ago "

" What are you telling me now for "

She smiled " I just like to talk about it once in a while "

A man walks into a bar and finds a drunk playing with a small ball of gloop

The drunk mutters to himself " It looks like plastic but feels like rubber "

Interested the man looks over the drunks shoulder and takes a peek at the strange substance " Its weird stuff " says the drunk " It looks like plastic but feels like rubber"

" That's unusual " says the man " I'm a chemist perhaps I can tell you what it is "

The drunk hands the man the gloop and he rolls it between his fingers

" Your right " he says " It does look like plastic but feels like rubber Do you know where it came from ? "

" Sure " replies the drunk " It just fell out of my nose "

A man goes into a bar and says " I'd like something tall icy and full of gin "

The barman turns and shouts into the kitchen " Oh Monica Someone to see you "

As a survival test a German an Austrian and a Chinese man are to be abandoned on a desert island for a year The German was put in charge of building the groups shelter The Austrian was put in charge the groups power requirements and the Chinese man is made responsible for the groups supplies The men are unloaded on the desert island and their equipment checked The German has bought lots of tools nails and screws and the Austrian has bought a wind turbine and a solar generator but the Chinese man can't be found anywhere Everyone spends the rest of the day looking for the Chinese man At dusk they give up and head back to their boat the Monica

The get to the beach when the Chinese man jumps out from behind a tree and shouts " Supplize "

The body snatchers Burke and Hare go to the mortuary to try and claim one of the bodies

" Did your deceased relative have any distinguished features ?" asks the suspicious undertaker

" Well " says Burke " He was a bit deaf in one ear "

Is our Don dead ?

No he's not dead he's just --electroencephalographically--- challenged

Carol to Red " Who was that girl I saw you with last night ? "

Red " It was someone from school "

Carol " Teacher ? "

Red " No I didn't have to "

I once met a girl called Ana who said I could fill a void in her life

It was only later I realised she'd been referring to her wardrobe

My girlfriend goes to confession " Bless me Father for I have sinned " she said

" Last night my boyfriend made love to me seven times "

"My child " replied the priest " You must go home and suck the juice of seven lemons "

" And will that absolve me ? "asked my girlfriend

"No " said the priest " but it will take that smug look of your face "

Our daughter brought her boyfriend a theology student home to meet her parents

" Do you own a house ?" I asked him

" Not yet but God will provide " says the student

" And how do you intend to earn a living ?" I asked

" I don't know but God will provide " the student replies

" Have you any long term plans ?" was my next question

" No " he said " but I trust God will provide "

Later the wife asked what I thought of our prospective son-in-law

" Well he's broke and seems stupid but on the other hand he thinks I'm God "

As Red was fiddling under the bonnet of his car A tramp walks by stops and looks at him

" Piston broke " explains Red

" Aye yes " says the tramp " So am I "

What is the difference between Ignorance and apathy ?

I don't know and I don't care

Which is it when something is " New and Improved "

" If its new then there has never been anything before it "

If its improved then there must have been something before it