Ayla

My biological father, 20 (I'm 20 now) years ago, started raping my sister when she was 10. This all started happening when I was born. It went on for two years, under deep threats and horror for my sister. It finally stopped when my mother walked in on an incident, coming home from work. My father was unaware that she had returned. It was immediately reported and taken care of.

16 years later, their I am in my room enjoying some pot, but I had to eat the resin, I had no lighter. An hour later, I was experiencing this horrible image. I thought I was having a bad trip, so my sister came over and calmed my mother and I down. But when I drew the image, my mother said it looked like a close up of a male's groin. And I felt as if I was being raped in the mouth during the "trip". Since then, I assumed the chemical reaction in my brain unlocked my hidden memories. My father did something to me when I was a baby. Now I can't stop them when the flashbacks return. They are violent and horrifying

I have a National Guard boyfriend. I'm 17, he will be 22 soon. We have decided to get married.

So the engagement question is going to be popping up.

Now, his original plan was to be deployed to Guantanamo Bay Prison on Guard Duty. But when we talked to another soldier on active duty, we saw that his wife was with him.

Active duty soldiers get to take their spouses with them. So I was thinking maybe he could switch from National Guard to Active Duty, and I wouldn't have to wait a year for him to come home. I could just go with him until his service is done. (4 to 6 years) He's been in the service for 2 to 3 so far.

So does anyone know how to explain the possibilities for me? Like what would I be doing, what would he be doing, how long, how much... etc. I need to know because time is running a bit short. His deployment is said to be in June. But if we can prevent that, we would really like some help.

Ok. I'll cut right to the dreams:

The first one was a little while ago, but not too long... I dreamed that I was looking deep into my mother's boyfriend's eyes, I couldn't break the stare... The next minute it turned realistic and I thought I woke up from it. I rolled over and felt something very cold. I lifted up my sheets to find two feet, dark gray and long, like a grown man's dead feet, long dead legs, a cold mangled body (like it had decayed in water). It was a cold corpse laid (or laying!) next to me in my bed. I didn't see the face, because I woke up. But it scared the **** out of me.

The second one was just last night. I was sleeping, then I woke up to my red light being on (it makes everything in the room red) and I looked in the mirror across from my bed... There was a large white bed sheet that seemed to have been draped over someone (like a person in a home made ghost costume, eye holes and all) and I grabbed my blankets, staring in horror... I screamed at the TOP OF MY LUNGS... "Ahhhhhh!!!!" Then I looked again, trying to wake up(sometimes I can wake myself up from dreams, aware that they are dreams) and again, screamed. This is the first nightmare where I've had the ability to scream (I can't scream in my nightmares) in fear. It was terrifying. I finally woke up, terrified, and just went into my mom's room to talk about it.

But I don't know if this is a medical condition.

I also have some demonic activity in my house (which I am fighting off with the Lord).

I used to not worship God, but Satan (through Wicca, by accident) and now I think Satan's mad that I'm not worshipping him anymore, so he's sent demons to haunt me and scare me. They've induced extreme fear in me before... Now could the night terrors be from them? Or are they hallucinations given to me at night to scare me?

I don't know. I need someone who's good in the spiritual and dream interpretation area to help me with this.

So this is the situation:

My friend, her name is Sherri, she had this boyfriend, Joe, for a while.

He cheated on her with her cousin, Cassandra.

Cassandra is now dating Joe.

Sherri is PISSED, so are her friend, me and Harmony.

Eventually a fight broke out between Joe Harmony and Sherri. Joe hit Harmony in the face. Harmony's a girl... That isn't right.

Now that one thing led to another, I'm caught in the drama when Cassandra says she wants to beat the **** out of Sherri. I love Sherri with my life, I'll protect her, and also because she's smaller. She'll need some help in a fight. I threatened Cass through text saying, "If need be, I'll get physical.", "You gotta go through me to get to Sherri."

Cassandra agreed she would go through me just to get to Sherri. SO... Now Cass told the school everything. So... Am I in trouble?

The whole Blake thing didn't work out. **** him. He's a liar. I hate him so much for leading me on.

Anyway,

I'm now 17. I really am getting tired of settling for people that I hang out with, end up liking, and then people telling me I can do better than him. I am getting close to just running away to New York City to this 24... 25... I don't know how old he is, he's in his 20s. He's just like me and he's liked me for 2 years, actually loved me. Ha, how do I know, right? I don't think a pedophile or sick-o would try on one girl for 2 years straight. (Plus, I'm not gonna let him try anything funny id he's like that, I'm always welcome to come back to my hometown, my family said, so it's not like I'll be stuck there.) Anyway, I'm close to giving up and just going to him. I'm very angry. Getting your heart broken over 7 times really isn't funny. It begins to hurt physically, in your chest, and your stomach.

Love sucks. It really does. But it's one of things I live for. I give true love, real love when I get a boyfriend. At least they have some idea of what it is when they get with me.

What I'm trying to get at without ranting or rambling is this... I want a hot one!

I want a guy that is attractive, but isn't a douche. Charming, but not a player. Someone with a mind. Who talks to me when I talk to him, wonders what's wrong when I look down, has ideas for DATES, and likes to dance. I have a particular taste now. I like guys who play guitar well, have long hair because they want it long, and have amazing taste in music.

I can't seem to find anyone like that. I either end up getting with one of my best friends or flirting with someone until we decide to get together. I really don't want to keep doing that.

I don't really know how to 'meet' people though. Like, meet someone new, someone very nice, someone I've had my eye on for a while.

How do I meet him? Then after that, how do I ease into a friendship? Then after that, how do I ask him out?

Ok, this is a long story, but somebody please help me. Please.

My boyfriend, 18, and I got together December 20th, 2009. We had loads of fun. We went to our friend's parties, we would just get completely phased out and just be with each other. We just had incredible amounts of good times. I could talk to him about anything, literally anything. If I cried, he wiped the tears away, if I wanted to goof around, he would play with me. He's a good guy, all-around.

He's what I want. I love him very much, and I'm certain he loves me just as much.

I've dated many many many guys, and I went through everything. All the good things, all the bad things, and all the things I should have never done. And this guy is what I want. He treats me EXACTLY the way I wanna be treated. I was so happy.

Until something disturbing was told to me. He stole 60 dollars from a family that trusted him, his good friends' family. And the two people that I gave my deep trust to, they were telling me this, told me that he smokes more weed than I think he does. I agreed with them.

I confronted him about all of this. He didn't lie, which I'm proud of him for. He's always been straightforward with me, looked me in the eyes and told me flat-out what he was going to say. Anyway, he said to give him some time to think. He felt bad about his deed. So I left him alone to think. A few days later, he needed more time. So then another 3 days passed, and March 2nd, 2010, he told me he needed to break up with me. Of course I was devastated.

But here's what's weird about it:

A few things he said were,

"It's not forever."

"You're so pretty, even when you're crying. :)"

And when I said I love you, he said I love you too. And

"I know it hurts..."

Guys don't usually do that when they break up with you.

He did say it wasn't forever. He held me and kissed me while I was just distraught. No guy has ever done that. He walked me to the counselor's office, and I told him that I'm still going to say 'I love you'. He said he had no problem with that, and smiled at me like he always does.

But in the process of the breakup, I told him,

"I wasn't gonna tell you 'til later, but I wanna spend the rest of my life with you." And I'm serious. I want him. Period. And of course, he said,

"You're 16.." And I was almost 17 at the time. I don't know about that situation, but I guess that will come later.

The biggest thing that got me was he didn't say "Don't worry." Usually guys will say that when they just don't want you anymore.

It's been, I believe, 2 weeks since the breakup. We still talk, and even make eye contact.

I'm happy about that. =]

But for some reason, something fears that he won't come back. He doesn't want a girlfriend right now, because he wants to sort out his problems. I'll give him all the time in the world.

Has anyone else gone through this?

I'm mature enough to handle a serious relationship, and I want him in my life for a very long time. Honestly, I want this guy to marry me. I have NEVER loved someone so much in my 17 years.

It blows me away.

So I'm left not knowing exactly what to think...

Can someone talk to me?

If anyone knows what I'm talking about.... why?

Just... you know... why? Why live? What is the point if you're suffering day in and day out, insomnia for your nights, dreading the next day, then going into the next day, thinking everyone hates you... You feel you should be hated... The endless cycles. Why go on living when all these horrible things are happening to you?

WHY?

Why? Yes... Why. You get what I'm saying?

She's crazy. Crazy, I swear... Ok, just today, she wants help with her new phone. She got one exactly like mine -_- Oi... So anyway, I'm trying to help her with what she wants help with, her voice-mail greeting. We did it wrong twice. I don't change mine a lot, so I don't know it by heart. But I start to get annoyed, and she SCREAMS...

"AYLA, YOU'RE TREATING ME LIKE ****, AND I WON'T HAVE IT!" Dare I talk back, defend myself and my dignity? Nope! So we try once more, and we press the wrong thing, and I get that "attitude" where I sigh heavily (LIKE ALL TEENAGERS DO) in annoyance. Then she's all pissed off 'cause she can't figure out how to do it. She does this to everyone. She can't figure out a damn thing for herself, she has to have someone else teach her. She's either stupid or just plain lazy. Then again, she did have a minor head injury in the past, and my family who knows a lot about it said that she was never the same afterward... -_- I just don't know how to cope with this... 15 years of being screamed at at the most random times, then "bought" back, it's so confusing! And my friends call me spoiled 'cause I have a lot of nice things from her, yet I hate her... Sometimes... AARGH! See?! I dont know wether I love her or hate her. Well, I love her 'cause she's my mom...... O.O My god, SOMEONE HELP ME!!!

I am 15. And I'm 5' 2". I'm a tad overweight, I have a chubby belly, love handles and cellulite on my butt. It's very embarrassing to have to suck it in when you're wearing the greatest bikini ever on the beach. You walk by some guys who are looking at you, and you gotta tuck it in! It's retarded... And I have a treadmill that I've been running on for about a month now. NOTHINGS HAPPENING... SOMEBODY HELP! I love my macaroni and cheese, and I've cut my portions of it down over time, I walk 2 miles uphill from school everyday, I almost power walk in the hallways, and I'm fed right. I don't understand why I haven't lost anything! It's really starting to piss me off. I'm pretty, but my body doesn't match with my face. I want to have a strong, slightly muscly body that looks great. I dont want to lose my butt or my breasts though... Because, you know, I do look good... Just my STUPID CHUBBY BODY... >.<