Phat MD

So one day, King Arthur and Merlin decide to go on a hunting trip. Arthur tells his knights to watch after the queen while they were gone.

Of course, Arthur doesn't trust any of them, so he asks Merlin to perform a magic spell and put a guillotine in the queen's vagina. Merlin does as Arthur wishes.

When they come back from the hunting trip, Arthur lines up all the knights and one by one, he asks them to take their pants off.

One by one, there's a knight with a chopped off penis. And one by one Arthur orders them to the gallows.

Finally, they've all been sentenced to die except for Sir Gallahad. At this point, Gallahad is all trembling.

"Okay, Gallahad, drop those knickers." Gallahad does, and behold, he has an intact penis.

"Well, well, it appears that chivalry is alive and well. Indeed, for thine honor, I shall appoint you a Lord of my great kingdom. Bow before me and express thy gratitude."

Nervously, Gallahad bows and mumbles "Fffnk oo urr huhnush"

He felt that Goldfish weren't the best little crackers he's ever had.

One was a Greek trying to get into Troy, the other is a freak trying to get into little boys.

So these three girls -- two brunettes and a blonde-- are on a road trip out to Vegas and the car breaks down. One of the girls calls AAA on the cell phone and they tell her that they have a lot of incidents to take care of and that they would be out in a few hours. They also informed her that the next city was an hour's walk away if they didn't want to wait.

The three decided to walk to the next town and find a place to stay for the day and send a mechanic out for the car.

The first girl takes the two bottles of spring water from the car. "Better have these in case it gets too hot."

The second girl grabs an umbrella. "It's so hot we could use this for a shade if the sun gets too hot."

Finally, the blonde girl is kicking away and pulling at the car door. The first girl asks her "what's the matter?"

The blonde girl replies, "Stupid door won't come loose. I figured we could take it along and if got too hot we could roll down the window."

This guy is on vacation and in a new and decides he wants a drink. He slips into a bar, but unbeknownst to him, it's a gay bar.

He sits down and says to the bartender, one Bud Lite please.

Of course, the denizens of this establishment realize right away that this visitor was playing for a different team. So the bartender says, "alright...you can have yer drink....just have to let us know that nickname of your penis.

A guy in the bar chimes in, "yeah, like mine is called Nike, just do it."

Another patron goes, "Mine is Ford, have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him says, "Burger King, have it your way."

And this continues this way, until every guy in the bar has named their member. At this point, everyone is staring at our friend.

At first, the thirsty traveller is taken aback, but then he collects himself, clears his throat and says, "Mine is called Secret, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

This you guy goes to a strip club the first time and his sitting behind this burly older guy.

Stripper comes out starts dancing around the pole, the young guy is jumping up and down cheering and whooping.

The older guy turns around, "son, sit down enjoy the show and you can cheer when its over."

The show continues, when the stripper takes her top off, the kid is doing the same thing as before.

Older guy turns around, "son I told you, relax and enjoy the show, you've got plenty of time to cheer."

Show goes on, finally, the stripper takes the last of her clothes off. She has an awesome body and crowd, including the older guy is cheering like crazy.

He turns around to check up on the young guy, who's just sitting there calmly. "Son, show's over, cheer, jump, scream all you want. C'mon, where's your enthusiasm."

The kid replies, "uh, on your back."

Today, 37 year old Mike Jones was found dead in front of his computer. Apparently there there was a coffee spill at the computer, which allowed for anyone using the computer to be electrocuted.

When the police arrived at the scene of the incident, they found a hard drive with various e-mail templates asking individuals to log in to various fake websites in attempts to gain invidual information.

The police also found several lists of identification including social security numbers of his vicitms, as well as forged credit cards and passports.

Also found was a list of fellow perpetrators, which have resulted in the arrest of 32 other invidiuals, including two Nigerian nationals and one North Korean.

An autopsy is scheduled to be performed this week. While the death appears suspicious, the police do not feel at this time that foul play was involved. Furthermore, no additional arrests have been made. His death is being labeled as a phishing accident.

Alarm will go off any time between now and Sunday 8 AM EST

Two elderly gentleman were at the park talking about their sex life. First guy tells the second "can't even get it up." Second guy says "Eat bread, I do and I can go on for hours."

So the first guy goes to the supermarket and puts twelve loaves in his cart.

When he gets the the checkout, the cashier, a cute young lady, says "wow that's a lot of bread, is it all for you?"

Old man replies "yep"

The cashier then says, "it's probably going to be hard before you're even half way through...."