tjcmstables

Artist

Trish's code word

Nascar

Taylor Swift

Here is an old one I received at least three years ago.

Subject How do these people survive???

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the

menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I

asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets,"

said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have

six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen

nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered

six McNuggets.

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with

just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to

mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash

register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the

"divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not

finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to

her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said

"OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what

had just happened.

THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into

her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to

what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they

kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM

"thingy."

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping

beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I

knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I

can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant

convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno.

Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she

answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and

manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there

and check about the batteries? Her reply was, "It's a long

walk."

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none

too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm

almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine

paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last

remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and

proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a

large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in

dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an

extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that

the driver had set the "Cruise Control" and then went in the back to make

a tuna sandwich.

SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in

the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him

when they have problems with their computers.

One night he got a call from a woman in one of the

branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the

back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT

Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by

placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a

photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier,

and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect

wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working,

the suspect confessed.

NINE

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the

dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid

was eating ants, the dispatcher tells her to give the kid some

Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant

killer.....Dispatcher: Rush him in to Emergency!

"Life is Tough. It's Tougher if you're Stupid."

If you are kind, people may take advantage of you ? be kind anyway. If you are trusting, people may try to cheat you? be trusting anyway. If you are happy, people may become jealous? be happy anyway." Mother Theresa

Let's have some good jokes. This winter weather puts us in the mood for some good jokes like this one:

NBA OR NFL?

36

have been accused of spousal abuse

7

have been arrested for fraud

19

have been accused of writing bad checks

117

have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3

have done time for assault

71,

repeat

71 cannot

get a credit card due to bad credit

14

have been arrested on drug-related charges

8

have been arrested for shoplifting

21

currently

are defendants in lawsuits, and

84

have been arrested for drunk driving

in

the last year

Can

you guess which organization this is?

Give

up yet? . . . Scroll down,

Neither,

it's the 535 members of the United

States Congress.

The

same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year

designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Now let's see what you can do.

Let's keep them basically clean.

Try to keep them clean - some innuendos are fine.

Here is an example:

THE RABBI AND THE TAX AUDITOR

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d**k ".

Now it is your turn.

Please keep it clean.

Mea Culpa. I got busy doing something else last night and forgot to post? One of these weeks I will get it right again. (I hope)

Here is mine. Can you do beter?

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6 & 7-year-olds, because the last one is a classic:

1.

Don't change horses

until they stop running.

2.

Strike while the

bug is close.

3.

It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving Time

4.

Never underestimate the power of

termites.

5.

You can lead a horse to water but

How?

6.

Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.

7.

No news is

impossible

8.

A miss is as good as a

Mr.

9.

You can't teach an old dog new

Math

10.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.

11.

Love all, trust

Me.

12.

The pen is mightier than the

pigs.

13.

An idle mind is

the best way to relax.

14.

Where there's smoke there's

pollution.

15.

Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.

16.

A penny saved is

not much.

17.

Two's company, three's

the Musketeers.

18.

Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed.

19.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

You have to blow your nose.

20.

There are none so blind as

Stevie Wonder.

21.

Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.

22.

If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.

23.

You get out of something only what you

See in the picture on the box

24.

When the blind lead the blind

get out of the way.

25.

A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26.

Better late than

Pregnant

jcm (Janet)

One of the old sayings is "Laughter is the best medicine." The more you laugh the better you feel.

Subject: A keeper!

This is a keeper!!!!!!!

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school.

He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a

generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem The world will expect

you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You

won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had

a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about

your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to

leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Hope you enjoyed mine. Now give me your best.

Guess my old brain doesn't work too well at night. But better late than never? Keep it clean like this:

THE MOMMY TEST

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, " All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom.

jcm (Janet)

Keep them clean.