Bhaskar

A man went to see his doctor.

"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said.

The man asked, "Why?"

The doctor replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I have a shared printer connected to Xp machine. from every machine in the network it is accessible and print command comes from everywhere. I want to print the computer name in somewhere in the printout so that i can track from where the print command has come. i have a HP 1020 Lase printer..remember name should be printed on the paper ( may be somewhere in the upper right/left of the page ) along with the printout.

One of my colleague has a asthma problem.. he can not stay inside an a.c. room.. my job is related to maintanace of servers, routers etc. a.c is required 24*7.

now this guy always comes inside the server room, as he has to do some work inside, and switch off the a.c. although he can do his work outside but still after repeated requests, he would come inside and do his work

i don't have a problem allowing him inside server room, as company allows him, but it has become very irriatating for me as he switches off the a.c.

is it really that irritating or i m reacting a bit too much?

i am thinking of kicking his @ss very soon, is there any other alternative way..plz suggest.

Do you agree that "AFP - Australian Federal Police" should be renamed to "AFP - Australian Foolish Police"?

If no give me one good reason.

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...

1) would treat her nicely

2) wouldn't run away from her

3) would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116

(pronounced "Albin"), it was a name given to a child by the parents of a Swedish family in May 1996. The name was rejected by a Swedish court

don't believe me???check wikipedia

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you'velearned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

While going through his wife’s dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:

“Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you.”

“When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion,” she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.

“I’m curious though,” he said, “Where did the thirty dollars come from?”

“Oh that, ” his wife replied, “Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!”

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.

"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.

"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's v@gina and it makes it taste like a peach."

"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied.

So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.

The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."

"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."

"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"

"Give me a peach and I'll show you."

( no offence meant )

A couple is on a plane in the middle of the night, and it is dark and quiet.

The woman says to her husband, "Let's have sex right here".

The husband says, "Are you crazy? People will hear and see us".

"But everybody is asleep", claims the wife, "I will prove it to you. I will ask for water and you'll see that nobody answers me and nobody even hears what I'm saying".

So the woman says in a low voice, "Can I have some water please?"

But no one answers. So the husband starts having sex with her.

After the plane lands, a man run to the steward and says, "Quick, give me water. I have been so thirsty for the last 5 hours"

The steward gives him water and asks him, "Why didn't you ask for water during the flight?"

The guy says, "No way, a woman two rows in front of me asked for water and you won't believe what they did to her!"

A man moved to an Antarctica village because of his new job.

This village had many men, but no women.

After a few days, the man started getting h!orny.

He asked his boss, "What do you guys do when you`re horny here?"

The man told him, "We have a barrel with a hole in it. Here I`ll show it to you."

The boss then took him to the hole and told him to put his thing in the hole. The man did.

After a few minutes the man took his thing out and was very satisfied.

He told his boss, "Wow! That was really great, I`m going to put my thing in the hole every day of the week!"

"Not Thursdays!" said the boss.

Confused, the man asked, "Why, what`s wrong with Thursdays?"

The boss answered, "That`s your day to be in the barrel!"

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.

A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.

The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.

He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?"

She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

there was this boy name "jack" who just loved having s!ex..he thought that if he had more than one s!ex organ, he would be more happy

So he prayed to god... he prayed and prayed and prayed.

Oneday god became satisfied with his prayer and asked him what he wants.

"I want 1000 s!ex organs in each and every part of my body" said jack.

god blessed him accordingly.

BOOOOOOOOMMMMM

now, jack has 1000 in each and every corner of his body instead of just one..he became very happy.

he did not even thank god and just run away to fullfill the dream of his life (to have s!ex with more and more women)

suddenly he heard a very faint voice coming from behind...

WAAAAAAAAAAIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he turned arround and was surprised to see GOD running after him with a big bag full of something.

what the hell !!!! waitttttttt, u son of a *****, take away these 2000 balls too..a frieghtened God said

( no offence meant )

Ever wondered why women wear Panties with printed Flowers?????

It is a way of saying......

IN MEMORY OF THOSE WHO WERE BURIED HERE !

Q. What would the wife of Russian President say when she get excited????????

A. Putin....putin....put in.....putin....put in........put in......

( no offence meant, just a joke )

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, “Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot.”

The father explained, “No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman.”

So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

Furious, the mother shouted, “Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!”

If I give u enough money to stay in a place of ur choice anywhere on earth for ur life, where would it be???

I say money is not everything but it is most of the things. do you agree?????