Gringo

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating great pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, He pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Men Never Listen.

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $50,000.

And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment: RENT FOR APARTMENT.

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for 25,000 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check in the amount of $25,000 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

(1) it had never been occupied;

(2) that there was plenty of heat;

(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $25,000 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord!

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!.

Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!

Girls Night Out

Two wives go out for girls night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.

They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.

One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.

The next morning one husband called the other and said, ,,,,,no more girls night out,,,, my wife came back with no panties.

The other husband said, you think that's bad..... mine came back with a card in her crack that read from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you.

The Request

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Obama .

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Obama thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

I think you bring me bad luck

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?”

“Oh no,” I replied, “I’ve never done either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks, greasy food and barbecued ribs?

I said, “No, I’ve heard that grease and “red meat” are very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun?” he asked.

“No, I don’t,” I said.

He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around?”

“No,” I said, “I’ve never done any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why in the hell do you want to live to be 80?”

Cowboy and the Yuppie Joke

A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when

suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban

sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If

I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will

you give me a calf?”

The cowboy looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his

peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, “Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parked his car, whiped out his Dell notebook computer,

connected it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfed to a NASA

page on the Internet, where he called up a GPS satellite navigation

system to get an exact fix on his location which he then fed to another

NASA satellite that scanned the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opened the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and

exported it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within

seconds, he received an email on his Palm Pilot that the image had been

processed and the data stored.>

He then accessed a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel

spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,

received a response.

Finally, he printed out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,

miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turned to the cowboy and

said, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” said the

cowboy. He watched the young man select one of the animals and looked on

amused as the young man stuffed it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy said to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly

what your business is, will you give me back my calf?” The young man

thought about it for a second and then said, “Okay, why not?”

You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government, said the cowboy.

“Wow! That’s correct,” said the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?” “No

guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here, even

though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already

knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter

than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about

cows……..

Now give me back my dog.

huh

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!

Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare

condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper"

BADA BING

A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.

He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States."

The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she responded, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are those most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man said, "Tonto Papadopoulos; but all my friends call me Paddy."

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5..0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Reply From Tech Support:

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"

A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He's riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.

It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.

They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed - and there his wife lays in bed with another man!

Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man's head. Just then, his wife yells "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!..."

HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.

HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.

HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.

HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks "What should I do?"

The taxi driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

A duck hunter was out in the marsh, enjoying the beautiful hunting weather when he felt the urge to relieve himself. So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals.

Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. "Sir," the doc begins "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there's no internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"Wow, that's great!" replied the hunter. "So what's the bad news?"

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Oh, well that's not so bad I guess," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the local symphony, and she's gonna to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."

A pirate is starting his first day aboard his new ship and the captain is giving him the tour. ''There's the plank for trouble makers, there's the deck that needs swabbing everyday and there's the barrel for all you sexual needs.''

''Whatcha mean? my sexual needs?''

''Well, you stick your willy in the hole and you'll be serviced, anytime you want, except for Wednesdays.''

''What happens on Wednesdays?''

''It's your turn in the barrel...''

Misaligned misanthrope wants to know........

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to

the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like

to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I

can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of

bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her

husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife...................

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's

different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."