gangrekalve k

here are some, can you all add a few more?

why is an Elephant Big ,Gray and Wrinkled?

because if it were Small,White & Smooth ,it would be an Aspirin!

what did the old man get for his birthday?

Cancer!

what did the homeless man get for Christmas?

Nothing!

In Soviet Russia people speak..

Russian!

Why didn't the plumber get the job done?

Because he wasn't a good plumber!

What do cannibal children like playing best?

Swallow my leader.

What has a horn and drives?

A car.

China had a look alike contest...

They all won!

I am planning to buy Nokia xpress music 5800,whereever i enquire they show the mobile MADE IN CHINA!!

dont we get ORIGINAL MADE IN FINLAND mobile in India?

An English teacher wrote this phrase on the board and asked her students to properly punctuate it:

"Woman without her man is nothing."

MEN WROTE: Woman, without her man, is nothing.

WOMEN WROTE: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.

In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it in front of the apples. The note read: "Take only one, God is watching."

Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies...

One of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he placed in front of the cookies read: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out,

"I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!"

Half of his congregation stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing and he-ing tostand up!"

A couple of men stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been she-ing and she-ing tostand up!"

Several women stood up.

The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnnie.

The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin?

"Little Johnny, stand up. I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins.

What do you have to say!"

Little Johnny replied,

"Reverend, you ain't said nothing about me-ing and me-ing!"

It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen. The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a total fool!" The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink, and water without getting wet!"

Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people point and laugh at me!" The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a fair distance."

Then the hen spoke up. "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger a$$ or smaller eggs."

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:

1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!

2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?

1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!

So the second old man rushed to the store.

Clerk: May I help you?

Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.

Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!

Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."

"Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

One woman told another: "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him ?"

A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying *******!

You've been playing golf!"

Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!” Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on. A moment later, the second man said, "Pass the sugar, sweetie!" This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, "Pass the milk, cow!!!"

santa and banta are talking and one says to the other; “I am so tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about.

Banta asks; “What do you mean?”

A neurotic is the person who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the person who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.!!!!

A woman goes to her doctor and says that she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret, as she is embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says. "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."

"Who is the third rose from?" asked the woman.

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

Two blond adventurers were on holiday, and went to see Niagara Falls.

After a few drinks one night, one bet the other $500 he couldn't carry him across the falls on a tightrope.

After a very scary trip, his friend managed to stagger safely across, and the wager was duly paid.

"That was close," said the loser. "When you wobbled, halfway across, I was sure I'd WON."

A girl is driving along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a song she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses."

When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly misdialed and got an auto repair shop instead.

"Hello," the mechanic answers.

"Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks.

The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches."

"Oh, is that a record?" she says.

"No," he says, "but it's better than average."

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their married life.

The first one gets married....

On the second day a letter arrives with a single message... simply; "Maxwell Coffeehouse"

Mother became confused and finally noticed in a Maxwell ad, and it read; "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married.

A week later there's a message (secret code again ) that read; "Rothmans"

So the Mother looks into the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE." So Mother gives a wide grin.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious.

4 weeks later came the message; "BRITISH AIRWAYS"

Mother looks into the BA ad, but this time she fainted. The ad read;

(scroll down please.)

"TWO TIMES A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

NunsSitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding

drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He

to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the

car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front

seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't

understand,

I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should

know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger

to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit

exactly... Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bit

proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her

that 22 was the highway number, Not the speed limit. A bit

embarrassed,

the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in

this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a

peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off

Highway 189

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

A guy goes to a costume shop and says, "I'm going to a costume party as Adam and I need a fig leaf."

The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."

She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough."

She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."

She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants.

He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients.

Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.''

She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine.

So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''.

The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?''

''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?''

He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything , including their hot-blooded secretary.

One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.

The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"

The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.

"What happened ?" asked the waiting car occupant.

The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.

The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking."

M asks her if Bond has reached there yet.

She replies that he hasn't.

M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again.

"Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M.

Again the answer is no.

M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.

"Hello, Mary speaking…"