Mind-waster

There was this little kid in grade 2 whose name was Johnny.

He went to school with grade 2's. (!) Anyway, every Monday,

after school the teacher would ask the student's in Johnny's

class some trivia questions; if they answered the questions

correctly, the teacher promised them that they wouldn't have

to go to school for the rest of the week.

One Monday, the teacher asked the students:"What is the chemical symbol for Potassium". Since the kids were only in gr. 2, they didn't even know what potassium was. The next Monday, the teacher asked: "In what year did Mt. St. Helen's first explode?" Of course, the students didn't answer. Johnny was getting kind of peeved with these kind of questions. The

next Monday, Johnny brought a pair black squash balls

to school with him. Just as the teacher was about to ask

the weekly question, Johnny rolled the balls toward the

front of the room. The teacher, not seeing him, got agitated

and said "Alright, whose the comedian with the 2 black balls?"

Disgruntled fans of Sheffield Wednesday who vented their dissatisfaction with the football club's bigwigs in anonymous internet postings may face expensive libel claims after the chairman, chief executive and five directors won a high-court ruling last week forcing the owner of a website to reveal their identity. The case, featuring the website owlstalk.co.uk, is the second within days to highlight the danger of assuming that the apparent cloak of anonymity gives users of internet forums and chatrooms carte blanche to say whatever they like'

Sounds both good and bad to me. What do you people think about the statement above?

C'est l'histoire de Mouloud qui tombe fou amoureux de sa prof d'anglais. Le cours fini, il s'approche du bureau et lui déclare :

"I sink aille am foling in love ouizyou. Douillou sink it is envisageable crack crack wiziou this ivening ?"

Elle (les yeux dans les yeux) :

"With you, never !"

Lui (fou de joie) :

"Never ? Trop génial ! A ce soir vers never, never et demie.

A bloke working for the local council is having his fifth tea break for the day. He is talking with his colleagues with a pie in one hand and a mug of tea in the other. All of a sudden he moves fast to crush a snail beneath his boots.

"Why did you do that?" asks one of the blokes. "He wasn't hurting you." "No, but he's been following me around all day."

A man joins the foreign legion, and after a couple of weeks he goes to the master at arms

and asks "What do we do for women around here?

To which he replied " There are no women around here, so there's a camel available behind the barracks. Just use it at night when no one's looking!"

The man decided to try his luck this same night. Deep at night, he went behind the barracks and proceeded to do it to the camel. After a few minutes, a loud scream and camel sounds were heard throughout the base.

The Master at arms ran to see what happened and saw our man stuck in the camel.

He asked: "What do you think you are doing?"

The man said he was only following the advice given in the day.

The master at arms replied:"You stupid fool, you are screwing our means of transport! You should have used this camel to transport you to the brothel in town!!"

1997 Darwin Award Winner!

You all know about the Darwin Award - It is an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing himself in the most extraordinarily stupid way. The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine that toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the roadbed.

And now, a contender for a future Darwin Award winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles -- a should-be Darwin Award winner. Larry\'s boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.

One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across. Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground.

Satisfied that it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-- figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend-- and went back to the floating lawn chair. He tied himself in, along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry\'s plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after cutting the anchor line and then come back down a few hours later.

Things didn\'t quite work out that way. When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn\'t float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead, he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon. He didn\'t level off at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that height, he couldn\'t risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold, and frightened, for more than 14 hours.

Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea, with the helicopter in hot pursuit.

Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they came near. Finally, the helicopter climbed to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew.

As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As Larry was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."

Let's hear it for Larry Waters, a future Darwin Award Winner!

A young guy in an F-14 fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"Well, I just engaged auto pilot, went for a pee and a coffee . So, could you do that?"

Three guys, a white guy, a black guy, and a mexican guy were walking down the street, when they decided they wanted to go get themselves a hooker.

They went to an old 4 story building where the hookers were and went inside and asked for a hooker. The lady behind the counter said that they only had one hooker left, so they would have to share, but there was a catch.

She told the guys that if they pleasured her too much, she would turn into a devil and kill them.

The guys didn't care and paid for her anyway and went up to her room on the 4th floor.

They white guy went first and they were going at it, when the hookers eyes turned red and she started growing horns. The white guy yelled and jumped out of the window and fell 4 stories and died.

The black guy then went in and they were going at it, when the hooker changed again. The black guy yelled and jumped after his friend and died also.

The mexican guy went last and as they were going at it, the hookers eyes turned red, and she started growing horns. The mexican's eyes got large and he grabbed onto her horns and yelled.

"Sante Mierde, Handlebars!!!"

One afternoon a wife asks her husband Jim to nip out and get some snails for lunch. she says to him "and while your out dont even think about going in to that pub!"

So he gets the bag of snails and is on his way home when he see's a few mate standing out side the pub. "hiya Jim, you coming in for one?" "No i cant mate, the misses wants these snails back for lunch" "Oh come on mate it's only for one!" So Jim goes in for just one pint before heading back home.

But 12 pints later he stumbles out the pub at closing time and staggers all the way home. As he gets to the gate he drops the bag of snails on the floor just as his wife opens the door and says "Where the bleeding hell have you been?" Jim's replys "Come on lads were nearly there, come on you can do it"

St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the

Pearly Gates: “For Service Ring Bell.” Away he goes; he

barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes

back to the gates, but no one’s there.

St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell

rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one’s

there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.

Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back;

again, no one’s there. “Okay, that’s it,” St. Peter says.

“I’m going to hide and watch to see what’s going on.” So St.

Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up

and rings the bell.

St. Peter jumps out and yells, “Aha! Are you the guy who

keeps ringing the bell?”

“Yes, that’s me,” the little old man says.

“Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?” St.

Peter asks.

“They keep resuscitating me,” he replies.

George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "No". Then they said that all patrols were busy, he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Ok," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at his house and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said"I thought you said nobody was available!"

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.

The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line coded message - 370HSSV-0773H

Unsurprisingly, Bush was baffled, so he E-mailed it to Condi Rice.

Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could decipher it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down!!"

Myklia was at a party once where she got introduced to Smila, an army officer, a veteran of the Afghanistan war.

After a few drinks, and the narration of war stories by Smila, Myklia got real kinky and asked:

"Smila dear, you've been through hell there. It must have been very very lonely. I bet it's been a long time since you last had some real hot steamy s*x?"

To which Smila replied that he'd actually not had any since 2002.

Hearing this, Myklia didn't give time, dragged Smila to the nearest empty room and had her wicked way with him.

And they both really enjoyed it.

Afterwards, Myklia said:" I am really happy to have shared this precious moment with you. We're now in 2007, you must have endured so much all those years!"

Smila replied: "That is incorrect Ma'am, we're now 2215. I said that i had s*x at 2002, and it was earlier tonight, just before i arrived here!"