Marcus M

Paddy dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates, where he is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter welcomes him and begins to show him around.

Paddy sees many people who he recognises from when they were alive - his parents, family, old friends, Elvis Presley, John Lennon, to name but a few. Next he sees this guy coming towards him with black hair and dark glasses.

"Hey," says Paddy, "I didn't know Bono was dead!"

"That's not Bono." says St. Peter, "that's God - he just thinks he's Bono!"

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious

and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to

change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only

polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the

parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened

the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out

onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I

may have offended you with my rude language and

actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my

inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do

everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such adramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

It is seven years since the last volume, Queen Video Hits 2 was released.

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm and asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he

knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he gave me $100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me and said he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about £50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house? That's a bit dishonest, isn't it?'

The man replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes', the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten-pound tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus'.

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but all true!!!!

=================================

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

================

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk.... sorry...

================

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

================

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

================

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

=============== =

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

================

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

================

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plu gg ed into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: ! OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plu gg ed in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

================

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

================

Customer: can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

================

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

================

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

================

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

================

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

================

And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the

bag on the counter.

The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one

foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it

on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,

which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful

piece by Mozart!

'Where on earth did you get that?' says the barman.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls

out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the barman and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the barman rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and

a beautiful genie is

standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish ~

each person is only allowed one wish !'

The barman gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a

million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by

another duck, then another....Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled

with ducks . and they keep coming!

The barman turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a

little deaf.

I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a

12 inch pianist?

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on

Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those

> > circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father, that's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

Three Good Arguments...

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was

God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a

Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an

American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all:

3 proofs that Jesus was a woman

1. He fed a crowd at a moments notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just

didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was

still work to do.

A lion in Chester Zoo was lazing in the sun and licking its **** when a visitor turned to the keeper and said,"that's a docile thing isn't it?"

"No way," said the keeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo, why just an hour ago it dragged a Manchester tourist into the cage and completely devoured him."

"Hardly seems possible," said the astonished visitor, "but why is he lying there licking his ****?"

"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of his mouth," said the keeper.

A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, 'business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States'.

He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded.. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, ' one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said.... 'Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy.'

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but finally even she had had enough.

She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.'

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.'

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something.

Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.

He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, 'What's the matter, Doc?

Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'

After a pause, the doctor confesses, 'Not with a carnation.'

A man was leaving a coffee shop with his morning coffee in hand, when he noticed

a most unusual funeral procession advancing along the street.

First came a coffin inside a long black hearse. Then, from about 10 meters behind,

it was followed by a second long black hearse carrying another coffin.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking with a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 100 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said,

'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you,

but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But, who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line.’

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in quick workout at the spa before meeting dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way", the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

DID YOU KNOW.....

&Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

&Law of Gravity

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

&Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

&Law of Random Numbers

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

&Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

&Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

&Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

&Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

&Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

&Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

&Law of the Theater

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

&The Starbucks Law

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

&Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

&Law of Physical Surfaces

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

&Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

&Brown's Law of Physical Appearance

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

&Oliver's Law of Public Speaking

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

&Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

&Doctor' Law

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"

"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my bo11ox!"

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, sh1t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your feckin' **** it won't be Coco Pops."

A Mormon was seated next to an Corkman on a flight from London . After the

plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Corkman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed

before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than

let liquor touch my lips.

The Corkman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice.

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

! Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?"

Granny replies, stuff the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

--------------------------------------------

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,"Dad, what's love juice?"

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says: "So what were you watchin'?"

Billy says, "Wimbledon."

---------------------------------------------------------

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband,

"I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."

He replies: "Your eyesight is perfect."

---------------------------

Wife gets naked & asks hubby,

"What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

Hubby looks her up & down and replies: "Your sense of humour!"

-------------------------

An elderly couple was attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,

'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients..'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough str ength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your

friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep

your mouth shut!

> An old, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one

Friday

> evening

> with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was

> looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

>

> The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a R5,000 ring

> and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand,

> I want something very special."

>

> At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought

> another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only R40,000,"

the

> jeweller said.

>

> The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled

with

> excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

>

> The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by

> cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so

I'll

> write

> it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds

and

> I'll

> pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

>

> Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

> "There's No

> money in that account."

>

> "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

> Thanks!! !

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess

happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

~~~~~~~~

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry

and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,

and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "

~~~~~~~~

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs

seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

~~~~~~~~

I don't fcukin think so.