Alistair W

I was in my maths lesson doing some coursework about investigating T numbers, one of things you have to find out was how to find out any T total by using something vectors. I forgot what it was, it was something like colon or column vectors

So does anyone know?

Thanks in advance

An elderly man is driving down the M1 (a motorway) when his mobile rings. Answering it, he hears his wife on the other end

“Albert,” she says, “Please be careful when you’re driving back. I have just heard on the radio that there’s a maniac on the M1. he’s driving the wrong way!”

“It’s not just one,” Albert replies, “There’s Fuc*ing hundreds of them!”

Bill is sitting in a pub and pulls out a tiny piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe, says, “That’s amazing. Where did you get him?”

Bill says, “Well, I got this magic lamp with a genie inside. He granted me one wish.”

“That’s great, could I use it?”

Bill agrees, and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs it and out pops the genie who offers him anything he wants. He says, “I want a million bucks.”

Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks. Joe exclaims, “Hey! I asked for a million BUCKS! Not DUCKS!”

Bill explains, “Yes, he’s a bit deaf, isn’t he? You don’t think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”

A magician gets a job on the titanic. During his first performance, the captain’s loud-mouthed parrot shouts out, “It’s up his sleeve! It’s up his sleeve!” and ruins his act. The next night, the parrot again jumps in yelling, “It’s in his pocket!” and “He’s swapped them over!”

Through out the whole voyage, no matter how good a trick the magician does, the parrot always spoils it.

Then the boat hits the fateful iceberg and sinks in the freezing depths. The magician manages to get into a lifeboat, and is joined by the parrot. At first the bird refuses to talk, but after two weeks adrift, it finally cracks.

“Okay,” it says, “you win. What have you done with the ship?”

Depressed, a boxer wanders into a doctor’s surgery.

“Doc, you’ve got to help me,” he moans. “My insomnia is terrible. I just can’t sleep at night.”

The doctor peers over his glasses. “Have you tried counting sheep?” he asks

The boxer sighs. “That’s no good at all,” he moans. “Every time I reach nine, I get up.”

A blonde always wanted to go ice fishing, she'd read about it, and finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. after postioning her footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped and looked skyward.

"Is that you, Lord?" she asked the heavens.

"No," the voice replied, "This is the Ice-Rink Manager"

Thee lads are enjoying a quiet night in a pub, when a fourth stumbles in and orders a beer. Spying the group, the drunk stumbles, points at one of the boys and shouts: “I had sex with your mum!”

The lads ignored him and returned to their pints. He shouts again: “Up the ars*!”

Although irritated, they ignore him again. The drunk stands up again points at the boy and yells: “Your Mum gave me a b/j!”

The looks up wearily. “You’re drunk, dad, Go home.”

A woman who’s pregnant with triplets is walking down the street, when out of the bank runs a robber. In the ensuing gunfight, he shoots the woman three times in the stomach.

At the hospital the woman is told her babies are unhurt, and she gives birth a month later to two girls and a boy. All goes well for 16 years, until one day the mother finds one daughter crying. “What’s wrong, dear?” she asks concerned.

“Well I was doing a wee and a bullet came out!”

“Oh…” says the woman relieved, and tells her daughter of what happened 16 years ago.

A month passes and the second daughter comes to her crying, with the same problem and the woman again explains what happened.

Another month passes and the boy comes in very concerned and close to tears. The kindly mother takes the boy in her arms and asks him, “Were you doing a wee and a bullet came out, my love? Because if you did, it’s okay.”

“No…,” replies the lad. “I was having a wan* and I shot the dog!”

A man walks into a bar and orders ten pints of lager, with a further 12 vodka chasers. The barman then watches, amazed, as the bloke downs them one after the other.

Recovering, the customer says, “I shouldn’t have done that with what I’ve got”

“What have you got?” says the barman.

The bloke looks at him guiltily. “Oh, about a quid.”

A wife wakes up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing.

Hearing sobbing from the living room, she goes down to find her husband crying his eyes out.

“What’s the matter?” the woman asks.

“You remember 20 years ago,” the man sobs, “when I got you pregnant and your father said I had to marry you or go to jail?”

“Sure, honey,” the kindly wife replies. “So what?”

“Well,” the man gasps through desperate sobs, “I would have been released tonight.”

Desperate for a Sunday afternoon quick sha*, Bill and Marla decide that the only way to distract their ten-year-old son long enough is send him out onto the balcony of their flat to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” says, after few minutes.

“And now an ambulance is driving past.”

There’s a moment’s quiet, before the amorous couple hear his narration again:

“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he calls out. “Matt from no.8 is riding a new bike … and the Coopers are having sex.”

Bill and Maria shoot up in bed. “How do you know that?” asks Bill, startled.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too,” his son replied

Three men reach the final round of tests to join the SAS, and are called together to speak with the interviewer.

“Do you love your wife?” says the officer.

“Sir, yes I do, sir,” say the recruits in unison.

“And do you love your country?”

“Sir, yes sir,” say the men

“But what do you love more, your wife or your country?”

The recruits immediately say: “Sir, my country sir.”

The interviewer stares at them: “We want you to prove this. Your wives are sitting in separate rooms nearby – take this gun and go kill your loved one.”

It’s FA Cup Final day at Wembley Stadium and a young man is very disappointed when he finds his cheap seat is at the very rear of the stand with a poor view of the pitch. A few seconds after kick-off, he notices there is an empty seat near the front, so he wanders up and casually sits down. After ten minutes, he turns to the old man next to him.

“What kind of idiot would book seats this good,” he says, “and not bother to turn up?”

“Actually,” the old man says, “the seat is mine. I reserved it for my wife, but now she’s deceased. We’re been to coming to Cup Finals since 1960 – in fact this is the first I’ve ever been without her.”

“Oh my goodness,” the young man says, “I’m very sorry. But tell me, isn’t there anyone else you could have given the seat to – a son or daughter, perhaps?”

“Oh, I couldn’t do that,” the old man says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

A guy receives a phone call from his local surgery telling him there’s been a terrible mix-up with his wife’s medical tests.

“We don’t know if she’s the one with herpes or a heart condition,” apologizes the doctor.

“Oh my god, what can I do?” asks the guy.

“Well,” suggests the doctor, “send her out jogging and if she comes back don’t f*** her!”

Feeling depressed, a man walks into a pub and orders a triple scotch.

"You know,” says the barman, pouring him the drink. “That’s quite a heavy poison. Is something wrong?”

“Well,” says the man, downing the shots in one. “I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend.”

“Wow!” exclaims the bartender. “No wonder you need a stiff drink – the next one’s on the house. So what did you do?”

“I walked over to my wife and told her we were through. I told her to get the hell out.”

“That’s makes sense” Says the bartender, nodding. “What happened to your best friend?”

“Well,” slurs the man, tears in his eyes. “I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye, and said “Bad dog!””

A man is sitting in the pub having a quiet pint when a gremlin comes in and asks for a half. He downs his quickly, then runs along the bar sticking his head in the man's pint and shakes it about. The man is bemused, but continues to drink as the gremlin returns to his seat. The little beastie orders a second and third half and after each one does exactly the same thing. The man finally loses his patience and grabs the gremlin by the neck.

"If you stick your head in my pint one more time, I'll rip your d*ck off!" shouts the angry drinker

"Ain't got one," says the gremlin

The man is confused. "Then how do you take a p***?" he asks the gremlin

"Like this," says the gremlin, and sticks his head in the man's pint, shaking it around.

A rich man is away on a business trip and phones home. The maid answers and he asks if he can speak to his wife.

"She's upstairs making lve with her lover," the maid replies

"Right," says the man "Go upstairs, get my shotgun, and shoot them both"

The maid leaves, and the man hears 2 loud shots, then the maid returns

"What shall i do with the bodies?" she asks

"Take them out the back and just dump them into the swimming pool" says the man

"What swimming pool?"

"This is 849 9698, isn't it?" asks the man

Two eldery couples are enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men turns to the other.

"Arthur, I've meaning to ask you," says the pensioner. £How's your course at the memory clinic going?"

"Outstanding," replies Arthur."They teach us all the latest psychological techniques: Visualisation, association and so on. It's made a huge different for me

"Thats great, what was the name of the clinic?"

Arthur goes blank, then closes his eyes, and his lips move as he thinks to himself.

"What do you call that flower thats red with thorns?" he says finally

"You mean a rose," comes the reply

"Yes, That's it!" says Arthur, and turns to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

What is the different between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law while a great lawyer knows the judge

A man goes into a bar all sad and emotional, and the bartender asks why he's so unhappy

The man goes :

"I found out my brother is gay"

The next day, the same man comes in all sad and emotional again so the bartender asks him again

The man goes:

"I found out my father is gay as well"

The next day, yet again the same man comes in looking sad and emotional and the bartender goes:

"Does anyone in your family love women?"

And the man replies:

"Yeah, my wife"