Gina B

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little

Perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I

wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered

me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly

intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ..."

"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your

perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you

asked,I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't

see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't

you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with

reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,

physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really

ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford

that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody

wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20.

Just make the guy an offer!"

The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor,

he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he

sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes,

"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if

I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the man.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at

the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie

and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees

and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister collapsed.

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS'...

In order to continue getting by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS'. With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and a call for room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......

Room Service : 'Morrin. Roon sirbees.'

Guest : 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.'

Room Service: ' Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???'

Guest: 'Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.'

Room Service: 'Ow July den?'

Guest: '.....What??'

Room Service: 'Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?'

Guest: 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please.'

Room Service: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?'

Guest: 'Crisp will be fine.'

Room Service: 'Hokay. An Sahn toes?'

Guest: 'What?'

Room Service: 'An toes. July Sahn toes?'

Guest: 'I... don't think so.'

RoomService: 'No? Judo wan sahn toes???'

Guest: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.'

RoomService: 'Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?'

Guest: 'Oh, English muffin!!!; I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...

Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine.'

RoomService: 'We bodder?'

Guest: 'No, just put the bodder on the side.'

RoomService: 'Wad?!?'

Guest: 'I mean butter... just put the butter on the side.'

RoomService: 'Copy?'

Guest: 'Excuse me?'

RoomService: 'Copy...tea..meel?'

Guest: 'Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything.'

RoomService: 'One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??'

Guest: 'Whatever you say.'

RoomService: 'Tenjooberrymuds.'

Guest: 'You're welcome'

Told ya...

'By the time you read through this, YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS'

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little

Perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I

wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered

me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly

intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ..."

"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your

perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you

asked,I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't

see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't

you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with

reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,

physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really

ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford

that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody

wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20.

Just make the guy an offer!"

The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor,

he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he

sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes,

"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if

I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the man.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at

the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie

and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees

and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...GETTING OLDER > Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar > after another. After the sixth one, a man on the bench across from him > said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will > give you > acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." > Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." > "Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a > time?" > "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own f***ing business!"

THE GOOD NAPKINS...ahhhhh...the joys of having girls...

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake)....

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake)...

Now, fast forward a few months...It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter.

Next, in came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.

Next, in came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then in came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"

Isn't it easier to just tell the truth and be careful who you ask to set the table for you!

THE GOOD NAPKINS...ahhhhh...the joys of having girls...

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake)....

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake)...

Now, fast forward a few months...It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter.

Next, in came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.

Next, in came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then in came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"

Isn't it easier to just tell the truth and be careful who you ask to set the table for you!

1. "That's not right"............... Sum Ting Wong

2. "Are you harboring a fugitive?".. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3. "See me ASAP".................... Kum Hia Nao

4. "There goes Stupid Man".......... Dum Dum Wa King

5. "Small Horse".................... Tai Ni Po Ni

6. "Did you go to the beach?"....... Wai Yu So Tan

7. "I bumped into a coffee table"... Ai Bang Mai Ni

8. "I think you need a face lift"... Chin Tu Fat

9. "It's very dark in here"......... Wao So Dim

10. "I thought you were on a diet".. Wai Yu Mun Ching

11. "This is a tow away zone"....... No Pah King

12. "Our meeting is next week"...... Wai Yu Kum Nao

13. "Staying out of sight!"......... Lei Ying Lo

14. "He's cleaning his automobile".. Wa Shing Ka

15. "Your body odor is offensive"... Yu Stin Ki Pu

16. "Great"......................... Su Pah

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST:

When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN 'EM

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale:

(Former) PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

It can be rearranged (With no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to

distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All

follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should

be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu . Happy Holidays!

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...

How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",

"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,

Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,

Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;

He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,

Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

(c)Harvey Ehrlich, 1992

Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.

- You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.- You have a dream about prunes.

- You send money to PBS.

- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

- You take a metal detector to the beach.

- You wear black socks with sandals.

- You know what the word "equity" means.

- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

- Your ears are hairier than your head.

- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

- You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

- Your eyes won't get much worse.

- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

- Things you buy now won't wear out.

- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."

- You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

- Happy hour is a nap.

- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

- It takes twice as long to look half as good.

- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

- You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

- Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

- You and your teeth don't sleep together.

- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.

- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

does anyone know, if Matchbox20 has a new album out? i heard there new song on the radio today well on my way to wrok, and i work 11pm to 7am and i dont want to wait til the morning to find out. lol i just love mb20!!

ok i asked a question earlier, and got some really could advice ty to who answerd. was wondering if y i am also feeling like i have flu like symptoms is due to a cyst i have under my arm. it was draning for a few days and stoped now it is filling up again. do u think this is y i feel sick to my stomach, have the chills one day and the next day im so hot im sweating but yet the air is on?

thanks again in advance!

im a 31 yr female, and since sunday night i have felt sick to my stomach, had the cold sweats, and had a stuffy noes, tuesday i was fine, wed, night my head got all stuffy again, and today i am sweating but yet the air is on. what could be wrong with me and should i go to the er?

thanks in advance

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka."

Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

This goes on for the next few nights. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

it started out like this:

rear-ended a car this morning. I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad

day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well then, which one ARE you?'

That's how the fight started.

After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that enough

was enough (they couldn't afford a double wide). So, the husband went to

his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his

wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him

that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are

legal in Arkansas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up

to his ear and count to 10.

The Arkansas man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but

I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is

going to help me".

So, the couple drove to Mississippi to get a second opinion. The

Mississippi physician was just about to tell them about the procedure

for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Arkansas. This

doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it,

place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went

home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to

his ear and began to count.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5,..........," at which point he paused, placed the beer

can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.