Justina

As of the past year and a half, I have known this one very rude man. He is one of the leaders of an organization I am in. The organization is paramilitary, and it has a cadet program for teens, which I am a part of. The man in question (I'll call him "Joe." That's not his name, but I'll call him that for the purpose of anonymity) is one of the adults in charge. I am very polite and respectful to him, or at least I think I am, but he does not even try to respect me back. About two months ago, Joe yelled at me right in front of everyone else. That is against the organization's rules; the rules are that everyone must at least show respect to others, even if they don't feel respectful, and there is also a "Praise in public, correct in private" rule. we also have rules against verbal hazing, which is where someone is demeaned or humiliated. We may be paramilitary, but we're not boot camp. Seriously, there are 11-year-olds that can't handle that sort of thing in the organization.

So, as I said, he yelled at me in front of everyone else. I brought a concern to him very politely. Since I knew I couldn't catch him at a time when there weren't many people around, I was quiet as not to call attention to the situation. But he yelled at me loudly, even though the concern I brought to him was something he needed to know. I didn't interrupt anything. I was polite. I was respectful. But he was not.

I won't bore you with exactly how it went, but once he started talking, he wouldn't let me get a word in. (there goes effective communication) He was on a tirade about how I was disrespecting him (I promise, I was being very respectful, he just doesn't have the guts to handle respectful dissent. I didn't say that, of course) and how he had so many years in the Navy, so many years in the fire department, so many years in the police force, and so on and so on and so on, and then he continued on, "You are a cadet captain. You should know that you should be respecting me, not telling me how to do my job."

His accusations were all false. I was being super respectful, and I was just trying to clear up one teeny tiny issue, not trying to tell him how to do his job.

So at the end of that, Joe said "I don't want to hear anything more, dismissed." And he waved his hand rudely at me.

At that point, my eyes were filling up with tears and I couldn't have talked much even if he had let me. He had yelled at me before, but this time was the worst because it was in front of everyone else and he wouldn't let me respond. I wasn't really UPSET in the strictest sense of the word, but I was indignant and angry that he would dare to yell at someone in front of everyone else. After all, if he does it to me, he might also do it to someone younger and even less able to handle it.

I'll admit, I did something really stupid after that. Though my voice was wavering, I muttered "The matter is not dropped. this is not the last you will hear of this." that was dumb, I know, and I wish I hadn't said it. I could have brought it up again, but I didn't have to mutter like that, but I felt like bursting into tears and I did not wish to give others the appearance that he was right.

What I did next was walk away with as much dignity as I could muster, until I was away from the others so they wouldn't see me wiping away tears, then I put on as brave a face as I could and walked back in, but I'm afraid I still looked like I was ready to cry. I talked as little as possible for a few minutes, because my voice was still wavering.

So I guess what I'm asking is "How do I keep these things from making me get upset? How do I stand up to this?" I have been reading up on how to be more confident, and I have already improved my posture, which truly does go a long way, but how do I keep these things from getting to my emotions? How should I appear strong and determined, yet respectful? I am in command of other cadets, and I want to be a good example to them. Any tips on how to handle yourself in such situations?

BTW, the tips that say to keep telling yourself that you are right don't work for me. It just makes me one step closer to crying.

This is kind of long, sorry, but I really need help.

I'm in an organization, and this one person in charge really doesn't like me. Not one bit.

I won't tell much about the organization, in order to keep people's identities unknown, but it is a volunteer organization. It is quite a bit for adults, but it also has a program for teens, or as we are called in the organization, cadets. Of course the adults are in charge of the cadets.

One of those adults has something against me. He really gives me a hard time, but in a discreet way. I am really good at memorizing the rules and regulations, and I hate to say it, but I know them better than many, many of the adults. Including him.

My local unit (the organization is nationwide) has little things that we do wrong, and since that man is in charge of such things, I suggest changes to fix them. When there is no one paying attention who would do anything about it, he sort of gets all in my face and twists the regulations to fit what he wants them to. And then he sometimes pauses a long time so I think he has finished speaking, so I start to talk, but then he says "Please don't interrupt me when I'm speaking." I never mean to interrupt him, but it would be a good idea with the way he argues.

He starts a statement by talking about one thing, in the middle of the statement he talks about another, and at the end he talks about a third! I never get to speak on the middle statement, which is generally the worst, the most against the rules.

The worst part is that he is very subtle about it. He has a way of speaking so most people respect him; he has charisma, so people think he is really good, and only a few people see through him. Mostly, it is just me that sees trough him. Some of the other adults in charge see through him, too, but he does not delight in tearing them apart like he seems to do to me.

If he were not so subtle, I wouldn't mind so much. If he told me that I was terrible, I would just look him in the eye, smile politely, and say "We'll just have to agree to disagree on that," and I would be undaunted, whereas he would be beaten if anyone else noticed it. But he is so subtle except for two times.

That time I was just 13, and he and I were alone practically. There were others in the room, but at a far corner. He came up to me and started chewing me out for nothing at all. He said it was a horrible safety hazard for me to do something that everyone else was doing, but I was the only one he yelled at.

So, my question is, how do I be polite and graceful in those situations? Whether he is just lying or actually yelling at me, how do I act in a way that makes me look kind and not like a brat? Because I tend not to handle these things very well.

I want to act in way that brings credit upon me, the organization, and my Christian faith, which says that I must love even my enemies. I don't want to be mean to him, but I don't want to be tread upon once again (he and I tend to clash at least once a month). And even more importantly, I don't want him to be mean to anyone else. (He has been a little mean to others, but it is mostly just me)

So how do I handle those situations so that he has nothing to say against me, and so that I am kind to him? (Whether or not you are a Christian, you will admit that the Bible was right when it says that if you love your enemies, it will make them feel totally guilty, perhaps to the point of them doing what's right)

So how do I handle him in a polite, kind, and graceful way that he nor any bystanders will be able to find fault with, a way to keep myself from being treated like a doormat yet still not giving the appearance of rebellion? (If I appear rebellious, he will try to use that to get me in trouble)

Whatever they are, the are not very well enforced. I have read the First Amendment, and all it says is that the government cannot abridge the freedom of speech. You can express anything you want and not use swear words, you just either say it discreetly or you use other expressions to communicate your feelings. In all my life I have not had any trouble with that, so it is possible.

There are also local laws that have not been found to be unconstitutional [to my knowledge]. Many court cases have said that swear words can be prosecuted, but not unless they are accompanied by other crimes. Isn't that sort of a double standard, to say that because the people committed another crime makes swearing wrong, but if they don't, swearing is alright?

There are a few towns that will fine people for swearing. I like that, and I believe they are in the bounds of the law. They are, aren't they? [Most places have those laws, actually, but everyone forgot about them or at least didn't bother enforcing them.]

So what does the law say? And in your opinion, what constitutes a swear word? Please explain simply; I don't speak the fancy law language.

I am going through puberty and I am, right now, in training bras. I need them to have coverage, because I just have not 'blossomed' enough for a real one. The problem is that I am now needing several training bras for proper coverage, and that gives blisters on my sides where there is so much elastic layered on top of each other. I tried a few real ones on and they just are too roomy and have extra space between me and the material of the bra cups. What should I do?

One other question. With all this research about how is is better for the back not to wear a bra, what do they expect women to do???

By the way, I have this in women's health so I would get people who would know what to do and not creeps.

I like hip-hop, but I think it is just too immodest. And I tried, I can't do it without doing immodest move; it doesn't look right.

So my standard of modest is no swinging hips, no flaunting bust, and no other sexy things. I hold modesty close, so I won't do those things. I will sting my arms and all, and move and all, just nothing sexy looking. I do like ballet and all, but you just can't do that to most of the music I listen to. Any modern dances without immodesty, or variations of modern dances?

I am nearsighted. My vision is 20/40, so I can get around well without the glasses, but I can't read road signs well, and I can't read a chalk board or white board unless I'm really close to it. So I sometimes have to wear glasses. But the problem is that my eyes sort tickle and feel weird with them. The same goes for sunglasses. Is this normal? Whenever my eyes are behind a lens like that it does it. I can't stand binoculars, either, for that reason. What might the matter be?

Do you think these are important parts of etiquette? What is your opinion?

I like it when guys do it, but I don't expect it. I am glad that they are polite enough to think of it, but I don't care if they don't.

Once, I was at a week long school where we were in uniforms most of the time. The guys in my group (there were eight of them) always let the girls (me and one other) go first in the lines for food, but they only did that when we were in uniforms. Do you agree with that? Why or why not?

Do you think guys should open doors for girls all the time, or just when the girl is a few steps away or when her hands are full?

What do you think of other such forms of etiquette where guys do things for girls? I would greatly appreciate well thought responses. Thank you!

Don't give me the "germs," and "oh, it shows that people don't care for their appearance" responses. It does NOT spread germs, because the dirt stays under the nails, and often, people with dirty nails don't want to have dirty nails. I, for one, try to keep them clean, but I have oily skin, so they will only stay clean for an hour or so. It's like that for most people who have bad nails.

Does the amount of dirt matter to you? Even I agree that it is bad when people's nails are caked with dirt. Mine just have a thin line of dirt. Do you consider that to be as bad as the really, really dirty nails?

Please list any reasons for what you answer.

I am in an organization that has a cadet program for teens. Each state has a basic encampment, in order to teach the cadets about good followership and good leadership. Well, my state's encampment is NOT the best. I only went because it is a requirement to become a cadet officer. Encampment has a reputation of being really nasty. It was, and worse than the other cadets had said. What they do is chew people out, insult them, and try to break their spirits. They yell at cadets much, much than the anti-hazing rules allow. (Hazing is defined as anything that is demeaning. It is not just limited to physical punishments.) I am telling the cadets who will be going to encampment this year how to deal with it, in the format of a short speech.

I made it as positive as I could. I mentioned that many people are not offended by the yelling. I mentioned that there are many, many, many benefits to encampment. (I actually was greatly exaggerating there. There are not that many benefits, but I had to keep it positive in some way.) I emphasized that even though I hated it pretty much more than anyone else, it couldn't be that bad, because I still recommend going. (I really did hate it, but yes, I truly recommend going. I made that clear. I figured that if I hated it and still said that people should go, people would be encouraged, especially because other people enjoyed it in some ways, and they DEFINITELY recommend going.)

In hindsight, I guess I should not have used the word "hate." But in most of it, I was more positive. I really, really tried to make it seem better than it really is.

However, when I submitted it to be reviewed (all classes and speeches must be reviewed before teaching), I was told that it was WAY too negative. It is a little negative, but I can't make it seem better without lying. It was really bad, and SO many rules were broken there! How do I phrase sentences to make it sound less negative without changing the content much? Thanks!

I am blonde, and I am just as smart as the next person. Perhaps smarter. I'm not trying to brag or anything; I just got a better education than most people. So why call blondes dumb? Where did all the dumb blonde jokes come from? And do you think it's insensitive of people to say "I'm feeling so blonde today" in front of me, or do you think they are joking, perhaps forgetting that I am blonde? (They generally say "No offense" afterwards.) Also, how do I respond when people DON'T say "No offense?"

I don't normally care that much about appearances, but I really really want to keep my nails clean. When I was young, I had the habit of biting them, so even though I stopped at age eight, the nails are still attached to the nail bed fairly low, so dirt gets in them really easily. I have read on http://ask.metafilter.com/144174/Will-my-fingernai... that it generally doesn't heal. So how do I keep my nails clean? I have tried millions of techniques, but none seem to work on a long-term basis.

Also, what do you generally think of someone with dirty nail? Do you not care, do you think it puts a bad mark on the person, or does it depend on the rest of the outfit? Thanks!

I got invited to a friend's 14th birthday party this Sunday, (the 9th) and I need to R.S.V.P. by the 7th. I will have to respond by mail because she did not leave an email address or a phone number, so I am wondering what to say in my response. I would know what to do with a phone call, or email, because I would ask things like "Should I bring anything," or something like that, but there is not enough time for her to respond to my letter. Should I just say, "I would be glad to come to your party," or something like that? How should I word it and sign it? Can anyone type a sample down that I can copy? Also, would it be better if I typed or hand wrote it? (My handwriting isn't the worst, but it's far from the best.)

I answered the question "Should the Republican party stop making enemies out of everyone so they won't lose so many voters?" with "The Republican Party should tell the truth, regardless of how it appears. In fact, wouldn't it be nice if EVERYONE told the bare, raw truth? No one should pander around, bending their standards to gain support. Everyone should just tell the truth." It was reported. Why?

It doesn't violate the terms of use, does it? Does it look like I am ranting? Why might someone report it?