?

Whether it be rejection of society, love, etc.

About a year ago, I started feeling down because of personal reasons. I guess you could say I had minor depression. I finally told someone, and I felt a bit better, because life didn't seem so bad.

Now, I've been having these symptoms :

- I want to run away.

- I think about killing myself.

- I cut myself.

- I see images in my head of me killing everyone I love.

- I mumble when I speak.

- I'm out spoken when in public, but at home I keep to myself all the time, and whenever I speak to them, it's rude and selfish.

I feel so shitty about everything. My family has this idea of moving away from the one place I've always called home. My dad is going away soon, far away, for months. I get mad at my best friend for no reason, and I feel like she hates me now. My so-called friends ditched me on New Years Eve. The guy I think I might be in love with is leaving now, and it might be because of me. I yell at random people just because they make stupid remarks.

I'm sorry for ranting, but I feel so alone. I write in a journal, about my thoughts, and I talk to inanimate objects for help. I think I'm going insane, and every so often, I shake because I have thoughts of dead things. I know I have something wrong with me, my family is insane, so it could be genetics. But I really want to know what it is so I can help myself further. There's only one thing keeping me motivated in life : a Panda Bear with my wrist band around it's leg.

Please help me figure out what I have. I can't just go to a therapist or psychologist, no one knows about it. I don't plan on telling anyone anytime soon.